Page 117 of Cain
The explosion was too kind.
Suddenly, her arms wrap gently around me from behind, washing away my hatred and fear.
I brought her to sleep in my room tonight, where she’ll be safe. That way, I can watch over her. That way, nothing can take her away from me.
I lean in to her touch, feeling my muscles relaxing. Ever since she came, I have felt different. I was brokenbeyond repair. But her presence around me makes it all stop. It makes everything more manageable.
“Is everything okay?” she asks quietly, planting soft kisses on my bare shoulder.
“It was just a nightmare.” I drag the smoke.
“You had a horrible night. It’s normal.”
“You think?” I mock, putting out the smoke in the ashtray on the nightstand.
My fingers wrap around the cube, and I start twisting it again. She positions herself on her knees and holds my face, turning my head to look at her.
“What he said wasn’t real,” she says softly.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t pity you. I never did and never will.” I huff out a chuckle, lowering my head. “If things were different, I would fall for you in a heartbeat. If you weren’t a killer.”
“I’m not just that. I’m a monster.”
She hums quietly, stroking the hair on the back of my head. “And I guess I’m a weirdo. And if things were different, I wouldn’t be yours already.” My eyes dart right back to hers. Did she really say that? “I am yours, Cain. You didn’t want me to change to love me. You just did.”
“I just did,” I repeat, my heart pounding in my chest. She nods with a smile. That smile makes me incapable of tearing my eyes away. That smile can dissolve every unhinged thought in my mind.
And she’s here, despite everything I’ve done to her. She knows what I am. She can see the sickness under my skin, the things I can’t scrub clean, and still, she’s here. Actually here.
I know what I did can never be forgiven. Dragging her into my madness, chaining her to a life she never asked for, staining her soul just by getting a glimpse of mine.
But lately, she doesn’t fight like she used to. She’s changing.
I don’t see hatred burning in her eyes anymore. At least not fully.
Maybe she’s just learning to live with the darkness.
Perhaps she’s learning to live with me.
And fuck, she doesn’t even realize what she’s doing to me.
She’s making me feel again. Making me weak in ways I never thought I’d allow.
And the worst part is that I don’t even care anymore.
I crave it. I crave her.
She’s the only one who silences the demons in my head. The only thing I can touch and know it’s not a lie.
I was drowning before her. I’m still drowning, but now I can see the surface; I can see the light.
Her eyes drop to the cube in my hands.
“You never told me her name.”
An unintended smile appears on my lips. This is the first time someone has asked about her. Besides, I have forbidden everyone to speak her name.
