Page 89 of The Art of Being Merry
Not once in all the years of our relationship did Keith ever say he’d do better for me, for the kids, for himself. He was unabashedly himself, one reason I thought I was in love with him. He was who he was. Until that wasn’t enough.
Could Dax really change? Is he a man capable of that? Do I dare take a chance he’d be different? Do the things he says he’ll do? All I have to go on is what he’s shown me. And the Dax I’ve gotten to know over the past few weeks is in contrast to what others say. Could that be who he truly is? Can I put myself outthere again, put my kids on the line for them to be let down again? My heart warns me to be wary.
But maybe it also doesn’t all have to be decided in one day. I don’t have to put full trust in him in this moment. He can earn it as we go, continue to show me the man he can be rather than telling me. I can let him in piece by piece, without going balls to the wall from the get-go, the lesson I need to learn.
What that means for our relationship, I’m unsure. But do people have all the answers from the start? I’d guess not. Like being a parent, you learn as you go. Sometimes you mess up, make mistakes, cry yourself to sleep, dust yourself off, and try a little harder the next day.
The same can be said for relationships. He’s not asking me to make a lifetime commitment today. He’s asking for a chance to see what could develop. I can give him a chance without being fully invested. He’s not asking me to prove my love and devotion to him.
“What if we explored whatever this is between us more? On the condition that we take it slow, see how it goes, not getting completely invested from the start, but see how it develops?” Would he want that? Will he agree to exploring more, taking the chance he could change?
“What are you saying?”
I shift toward him. His face is a mask of curiosity layered with disbelief. “I’m saying,” I pause, tamping down the warnings from my head, “that living in limbo with you sucks, but going back to being friends without the benefits would also blow. Maybe we can try something different. I’m not sure what to call it. I’d have to look it up in my trusty dictionary, but I’m sure I can find what I’m looking for. And if not, we forge a path of our own. It’s kinda my way anyway.”
“And if I mess up?”
“Maybe we don’t go into it thinking you will. Or maybe we go into thinking we’ll both make mistakes, but somehow we’ll work through them. Maybe don’t take another wife or anything.” Shit. I didn’t mean to bring up my ex or imply I’d be his wife. I’m not sure which of those reasons causes his eyes to widen, his face to redden, and his fingers to curl into fists.
“You speaking from experience?”
“Um, yep,” I say, embarrassed.
The only person who knows about Keith is Willa. I didn’t even tell Mom and Dad. Now I’ve just blabbed it to Dax. Great.
“The dude had another wife?” he spits out, clearing up the confusion of what made him angrier.
I put my hand on his arm, not prepared for this conversation now or ever. “Apparently, one wasn’t enough.Iwasn’t enough.”
That’s the wrong thing to say.
If steam could billow from Dax’s head, the car would be full of it. “Fuck that, Clementine. That’s not about you. That’s about him. Don’t you dare think it’s your fault. Not even a little.”
“But—”
“But nothing. A guy who can do that to a woman is trash, plain and simple. But a guy who does that to you? To your boys?” He pounds the console, making me jump. “Scum. The lowest of the low. Whatever the hell is worse than that. That’s on him. Him, you hear me?”
I didn’t expect him to be so defensive. It’s certainly not why I told him. That slipped out. But now that he knows, I’ve never seen him so angry. Especially on my behalf. What’s that about?
“Thank goodness we’re separated by hundreds of miles, otherwise I’d punch him for treating you so poorly. What the hell?”
I’m sure I’m not supposed to be turned on by how angry he is, but I can’t help it. The man is fired up, and it’s downright sexy. If we weren’t in the parking lot of his business, I’d be on his lap, begging him for an orgasm.
Probably two.
“Yeah, he’s an asshole, hence why I left him last year.”
His head cranes my way. “When you first showed up.”
“Didn’t quite make the best first impression, but it had been a drive after finding out.”
“And yet, I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
It’s my turn to be surprised. “Right, sure. Your brother made you come to the cabin to take care of his unhinged soon-to-be sister-in-law. I can only imagine the thoughts going through your mind when you showed up.”
“I wondered what made you do it. What could have been sobad you packed up your kids and drove over a dozen hours on freaking Christmas to get here? Finding out your husband has another wife would do it. I’m surprised you made it in one piece.”
I chuckle. “I often wonder the same. I’ve never been so angry and gutted in my life. It’s not like he was the best husband and father, but I never assumed he’d be so crazy to stoop to this level. I didn’t even know this level was possible in real life. TV and movies, sure. But real life? And yet, it is. Because here I am.”
