Page 62 of When He Saved Me
“Okay…” It wasn’t a question, but her tone said she was waiting for more.
“It’s just…I’m uh…I’m-writing-a-romance,” I mumbled out in a rush of words.
“Romance?” she asked, her tone laced with surprise.
“Yeah. I’ve never been in a relationship before, um, before Jamie.” I could feel myself flushing again, but I pushed through. “So I thought if I wrote a romance, it might help me process all these things I’m feeling.”
“Oh, sweet boy. That’s lovely.” Her face softened into an emotion I wasn’t sure I could identify.
“You don’t think it’s weird?” I asked.
“Why would I think that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with this whole relationship thing. And I guess, well, I’ve never even read a romance. How the hell should I know how to write one?”
“Oh, honey. None of us knows what we’re doing when it comes to love. You make Jamie happy, so you must be doing something right.” She winked at me, and I chuckled. “You just keep writing from the heart, and I’ve no doubt it will be beautiful.”
I wasn’t even remotely convinced, but she seemed so sure, so confident in my abilities, that I didn’t want to ruin that notion for her.
Her eyes began to droop, so I suggested she get some rest while I pulled my notebook out and began to write.
* * *
Jamie arrivedat the hospital in the afternoon after school, his eyes looking just as exhausted as they had this morning but also alight with something else. Excitement, maybe.
Annie was sleeping, as she had done off and on throughout the day between visits from Aunt Cathy and the various doctors who came in to run their tests and update her chart. At the sight of him coming through the door, I immediately hopped out of my seat on the small loveseat to give him my spot next to her while I took the spot on his other side. He sank into it gratefully, his eyes never leaving her face as he whispered, “How is she?”
“Tired, mostly. She has coughing spells from time to time, but the nurse says that’s good because it helps her get all that junk out of her lungs.” I placed my hand on his thigh, trying somehow to offer my support. “The coughing spells wear her out, though, so she’s slept quite a bit in between.”
He sat for a bit, her small hand clasped in his much larger one, watching her breathe in and out, the faint wheeze of her breathing mixed with the beeping of the machines and the soft whir of the filtered air pumping in and out of the room. At length, I broke the silence, quietly asking him how his day was.
“The morning was awful. I couldn’t stop thinking about Mom and feeling guilty that I wasn’t here, but Mitchell forced me to teach the afternoon lessons, which was a good distraction.” He finally turned to look at me, and I could see the enthusiasm in his eyes. “I actually had a pretty good lesson with that last class. We had a great discussion aboutThe Outsiders, and it was so awesome to see the kids making connections about social status and preconceived bias from a book written over sixty years ago to society today. Like they were asking questions and challenging each other’s ideas in such a thoughtful way. It was amazing!”
I smiled at him. I couldn’t help it. He was so earnest in his excitement. Jamie was already beautiful, but when he lit up like that, it was impossible not to fall in love with him just a little more. Those kids were so damn lucky to have him.
“That’s amazing, baby.” I leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. “I love that for you.”
“Thanks.” The light in his eyes dimmed just a little, and he turned back to Annie. “I just wish I could do something for her, you know? I feel so damn helpless.”
“I know. But I think the best thing you can do for her is to just keep your teaching commitment. I think she worries less when you’re off doing your thing.”
“But what if…?” His voice shook, and he struggled to speak. “What if I’m at school, and she…what if I’m spending her last moments at school when I could be spending them here with her?”
God, how did I answer that? I knew how much it meant to her that he was following his dream, following in her footsteps, but could I blame him for wanting to be here? I didn’t think anything could keep me from his side if it was him lying in that bed.
Unable to come up with a suitable answer, I watched as a tear fell down his cheek, then another and another, each landing on the front of his sweater. He didn’t bother to wipe them away, just let them fall quietly, a manifestation of the pain he couldn’t hold inside.
I let my own tears fall along with him.
CHAPTER29
JAMIE
I spentevery moment of visiting hours with Mom over the weekend. Aunt Cathy and her family stopped by again, this time with flowers and balloons, trying to add cheer to the dreary, impersonal space. Finn popped in for a brief visit on Saturday and again on Sunday, but he spent most of the weekend working at The Daily Grind and Ivory, trying to make up for the hours he’d missed during the week. He had a hard time walking out of the room each time, as he’d really grown quite attached to Mom, but he’d felt like he needed to work. I also suspected he wanted to give us some time alone. I was grateful for that, and as much as I missed him, there wasn’t anything that could have taken me from her side.
When Mom was awake, we spent our time talking about how things were going at school and catching up on all the staff gossip. We talked about all the bizarre things middle school kids do and the things I never thought I’d say. I had actually told a kid not to lick the floor in the cafeteria last week. I shared the news of Julie’s engagement to her longtime boyfriend. They were planning a destination wedding next winter in Jamaica. We talked about the girl who had come to school in the same outfit three days in a row and how Mitchell and I had worked with the counselors to get her some new clothes. Turns out her dad had lost his job, and they were bouncing between family members until they could get back on their feet. Things like that didn’t often happen at a school in an affluent area like Swope, but it showed that homelessness could happen to anyone, anywhere.
And I told her about the little rubber duckies the students had randomly started bringing in to school and stashing all over the classroom. One had just appeared one day right next to the pencil sharpener, and since we found it amusing, we left it. The next day, we found another on a shelf between some extra textbooks we kept on hand when students forgot theirs. By the end of the week, we’d counted twenty-four ducks in various sizes and colors, all stashed about the room. We had no idea who was doing it, I suspected it was a group effort, but it was just the kind of silliness I needed right now in the midst of watching Mom’s health decline.
