Page 66 of When He Saved Me
Another sob ripped from my chest. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I just found them, and I’ve lost her, and now it feels like I’m losing Jamie too. I was perfectly fine living my life the way I was before.”
She moved over to the bed, pulling my head into her lap, stroking my hair as I cried. “But you weren’t living, Finn. You were existing. That’s no way to go through life.”
“Why not? It sure as shit didn’t hurt as much.”
“I know, honey, but we have to have the bad to appreciate the good. Would you have rather not known them at all? Never felt Jamie’s or Annie’s love? Never known your own worth?”
I snorted. “All that shit you went through with Amy…the lying, the cheating, the manipulation…you’re telling me you’d go through all that again?”
“If it brought me to Isa? Yeah, absolutely. She’s worth every moment of that shit I went through. But that’s not really the point I’m making. The point is that life is aboutallof it, Finn. The good and the bad, the painandthe joy. When you let Jamie and his family in, you let in all that stuff. And it sucks so much right now, but the good will still be there on the other side. Just don’t shut it out again.”
Before I could respond, a knock sounded on the door, and I heard Aunt Cathy’s voice from the other side. “Finn, honey, we need to be at the church in about an hour. Can you help Jamie get dressed?”
“Yeah,” I called out.
“Thanks, sweetpea. I’m going to run home to change, and I’ll meet you there, okay?”
“Yeah, see you in a bit,” I responded, sitting up and wiping my face. I turned to Carmen. “Will you stay? Will you go with us?”
“Of course.” My shoulders sagged in immediate relief. I hadn’t realized how much of the burden I’d been carrying alone.
“Thanks, CiCi. Thanks for coming over today, for always being there for me, even when I didn’t know I needed you.”
She shrugged. “You don’t need to thank me, sweets. I’ll always be here when you need me.”
* * *
We arrived to a packed church.It wasn’t a surprise, really, considering the kind of person Annie had been and all the lives she’d touched. There was a viewing prior to the service. The line of people who came to pay their respects—made up of friends, extended family, and former students—wound down the aisle and all the way into the social hall. The service started fifteen minutes late to ensure everyone got to say their goodbyes.
Through all of it, Jamie stood stoic in the receiving line, though he did find enough of his voice to politely respond to each guest’s words of condolence and any anecdotes they wanted to share. Though the light was still missing from his eyes, it was the most animated I’d seen him in nearly a week.
Once the service started, we took our seats beside Aunt Cathy’s family, with Carmen sitting behind me. I wasn’t particularly religious, so I paid little mind to the pastor’s words, instead letting the few memories I had with Annie wash over me. The conversations we’d had. The way she’d accepted and encouraged me, never once making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for her son.
Midway through the service, I rose and made my way over to the piano. Earlier in the week, Aunt Cathy had shared with me that Annie had recently amended her funeral requests asking that I playClaire de Lune. I’d balked, feeling awkward about fulfilling such a request, despite how close I’d felt to her in the last month. Ultimately, I’d acquiesced after Aunt Cathy had assured me that Annie had specifically wantedthissong performed byme. I played most of the song looking only at the piano, but as I played the hopeful strains of the final arpeggio, I chanced a look at Jamie. His eyes were locked on me, and I caught a single tear making its way down his cheek.
I returned to my seat beside him and felt his hand reach for mine and hold on in a fierce grip. I looked at him in surprise, but his eyes were resolutely locked on the pastor, who had moved on to the next part of the ceremony. Carmen handed me a tissue from behind, and only then did I realize I’d been crying as I played.
Later that evening, after the burial at the gravesite and after the last of the guests had left following the reception, I was in Jamie’s room, changing out of my dress clothes into sweats and a T-shirt. Aunt Cathy had packed up the mountains of leftover food before heading home, and Carmen had placed a kiss on my cheek and admonished me to text her the following day. I was startled when I heard a soft knock at the door that could only be Jamie.
I opened it, thinking it odd that he had knocked on his own door, but I was relieved to know he was seeking me out.
“Um, can I sleep in here?” he asked, looking like a lost little boy rather than a twenty-two-year-old man.
“Of course,” I responded, stepping aside so he could make his way past me. “Let me just go brush my teeth,” I said before making my way across the hall to the bathroom.
Nighttime routine completed, I returned to the room to find Jamie sitting on the edge of the bed and staring at the floor, exactly as I’d left him. I crossed over and pulled him up to stand so I could pull back the covers. He slid in without a word, and I slid in behind him, wanting so desperately to touch him, hold him, and offer him comfort, but I didn’t know what he needed.
“Will you hold me?” he asked, answering my unspoken question. I held my breath for a moment, suddenly nervous, but then cautiously moved closer, wrapping my arm around his chest and carefully pulling him to me.
A moment passed, and then two, and I finally released the breath I’d been holding, closing my eyes and savoring the feel of his body pressed to mine. There wasn’t anything sexual about this moment, simply the rightness of one soul recognizing its mate in the other.
All the tension left my body as I struggled to grasp my emotions. His scent, the essence of him, wrapped around me, nearly making it impossible to breathe. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes in gratitude for this chance to hold him once more. I didn’t know when I’d have the opportunity to hold him again, or if maybe this was the last time, so I tried to live in that moment. That singular moment when the world felt a little broken around us, yet there wasn’t anything so perfect as the feel of him in my arms.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore,” Jamie whispered, his breath a puff against my skin where he’d tucked his chin into my arm.
“I’m here, baby. I’m always here.”
“I could feel her in that room. That’s why I slept in there. I could feel her, but now I can’t. She’s gone, Finn.” His voice broke. “I can’t feel her anymore, and I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone.”
