Page 73 of When He Saved Me
I won’t apologize for it though. For the need to hover and maybe to smother you a little bit. I did it because I was worried about you. You were so damn lost, Jamie. I thought maybe I could be your anchor. That maybe I could be your North Star when you were ready to find your way home. I can still be that for you if you’ll let me.
I love you, Jamie. Wholly. Deeply. Eternally.
The day you walked into the coffee shop was the day you saved me. You saved me from a lifetime of loneliness. Of never letting anyone in and never taking a risk. You challenged me to dig deeper and be braver and to go after what I want. To figure out what the fuck I wanted in the first place.
And you know what I want most in the world? You. Just you. In your pain and your sorrow and your grief. I hope someday to have your smiles too, but for now, I want whatever pieces you’re able to give me.
You loved me whole, Jamie, and I’m here, waiting, whenever you’re ready to let me do the same for you.
Love always,
Finn
CHAPTER36
FINN
Sunday morning,I pulled into the cemetery, making my way slowly down the gravel path until I found the spot I was looking for. I pulled over to the side and turned the car off but remained sitting for a moment, contemplating what had possessed me to decide to come here today.
After unloading all my drama on Carmen and Isa, I’d contacted Asher. As upset as I was over everything that had taken place, I hadn’t wanted Jamie to be alone. Feeling like I had to saysomething, I’d scratched out a letter to Jamie and asked Asher if he could deliver it. All I could do after that was wait.
I’d taken a nap after that, drained from the emotions of the day, and when I’d woken, Carmen had insisted on feeding me tacos, and then all three of us had crammed onto my tiny couch and watched horror movies until three in the morning.
I hadn’t woken up with the idea of visiting Annie’s gravesite. In fact, I hadn’t visited this spot since the day we’d buried her, but after a sleepless night spent tossing and turning on the couch, worried about my uncertain future with Jamie, I’d risen early and had spent some time attempting to write. It had been a frustrating endeavor. Much of the time had been spent glaring at the page, trying to find the words that stubbornly refused to reveal themselves to me. When I finally did set the pen to paper, I ended up crossing most of it out, unsatisfied with the turn of phrase or word choice. I just couldn’t quite get it right.
Perhaps attempting to write a love story while in the midst of a potential breakup with the love of my life hadn’t been the best choice.
I got out of the car, glad I’d worn a hoodie to ward off the early springtime chill, and crossed to the gravesite.
Annie had been buried next to her husband, Howard, and though his headstone had borne the effects of weather over the years, the marble of Annie’s still gleamed white in the morning sun. I knelt in the grass in front of her marker, ignoring the dampness that soaked through the knees of my jeans.
I wasn’t sure what to say or what to do or even why I was here, really. I’d never visited anyone’s gravesite before. I was pretty sure you were supposed to bring flowers, and I hadn’t even thought to pick some up.
Feeling foolish, I contemplated getting up and returning to my car, but the sound of footsteps on the gravel behind me held me in place. A shadow fell over me from behind, and I knew without looking that it was Jamie.
We stayed like that for some time, with him standing and me kneeling in the wet grass, a tense silence looming between us. At length, he cleared his throat before speaking. “She loved you, you know,” he said, his voice full of gravel. My eyes pricked with tears at his words. How desperately I hoped that was true. I wasn’t sure how to respond, though, so I stayed quiet.
“She’d be so disappointed in the way I’ve been behaving,” he started, “at the way I’ve treated you.”
“I think she’d be willing to cut you some slack under the circumstances,” I responded without turning around.
“Maybe.” He fell silent. My heart raced as I sat there, quietly waiting. I wanted to fill the silence. Even with the way he’d hurt me yesterday, I wanted to tell him it was okay. To touch him. To hold him.
But I didn’t know where things stood between us, so I did none of those things.
“Everything feels upside-down right now. My whole life, I’ve been an optimist. The one who could always find the silver lining. The person in the group who had a ready smile and a joke to cheer someone up. The one who never let anything ruffle his feathers. And it wasn’t that I never had bad days or that bad things never happened to me. I mean, I lost my father when I was ten, for fuck’s sake, but it’s just that I’ve always bounced back. I’ve always been able to shake it off.” He paused for a moment, and when he continued, I heard a quaver in his voice. “I don’t know how to shake this off. I don’t know how to bounce back. How do I recover from losing the person who’s been everything to me?”
I stood and faced him, unable to stand the distance between us any longer. “I don’t think this is something you ever recover from. Not really. I think you have to learn to livewithit rather than try to pretend it doesn’t exist.”
“What if I can’t?” he asked, his voice small. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine, closing his eyes against the tears threatening to fall. “What if I spend the rest of my life feeling like this? Like I’m drowning, and no matter how hard I try to kick myself to the surface, the weight of it all keeps bringing me down?”
I placed my hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently, trying to give him whatever comfort I could. “Then I’ll keep doing my best to pull you toward the surface.”
He let out a stuttering breath. “God, Finn. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“Shh. Baby, it’s okay.” I moved my hands from the back of his neck to the sides of his face, pulling back slightly so I could look at him.
“It’s not okay,” he said. I started to speak again, to reassure him, but he interrupted before I could get the words out. “It’s not,” he insisted. “You’ve done so much for me this past month, and I can’t believe I lashed out at you like that. You didn’t deserve it. I can’t believe you’re even speaking to me today. I just—”
