Page 74 of When He Saved Me
I cut him off with a kiss. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d kissed, the last time he’d even let me touch him, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to feel his lips pressed to mine, and I needed him to feel me too.
It was like coming home.
We melted into each other, our bodies touching from our lips down to our toes. I wrapped my arms around him, trying to hold all his pieces together in much the same way he’d done for me all those months ago. The feel of him pressed up against me waseverything. I never wanted it to end.
Eventually, he pulled back, again settling his forehead against mine as we both struggled to catch our breath. “I love you, Finn. I know I haven’t shown it this last month, but—”
I pulled away to look at him. “Stop, Jamie. It’s really okay.”
“Just let me say this. Let me get it out.”
The intensity in his eyes prevented me from saying anything more, so I nodded.
“You said in your letter that I saved you the day we met, but in the last month, I think it wasyouwho savedme. I’ve felt so fucking lost, Finn, but like you said, you gave me an anchor. Something to tether me to my life.”
“I didn’t think I was helping at all. You barely even looked at me, Jamie.”
He bowed his head. “I know, and I’m sorry. But you were there for me in all the ways I needed, even when I was pushing you away.” He brought his eyes back up to meet mine, earnest and searching, like he was begging for my forgiveness. He didn’t know that he already had it. Yet, after thinking I might have lost him, there was a part of me scared to trust this, and I needed to hear him out.
“You didn’t ask anything of me,” he continued. “You didn’t serve up empty platitudes or tell me to get my shit together or push me when I wasn’t ready. Even yesterday, when I was completely irrational, you took it in stride and tried to support me. I fucking kicked you out of my house, and you still sent Asher to me. You’ve been everything I needed you to be, and I don’t deserve you, but I do love you so damn much.”
“I love you too, Jamie. I don’t think there’s anything that could ever stop me from loving you.” I pulled him into a tight hug, holding him to me in a fierce embrace.
“I feel so broken, Finn, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the man you deserve, but I’m too selfish to let you go.”
I’d said something similar to him back in December, and I remembered all too well that feeling of thinking something was wrong with me and that I’d never be good enough for him. I shook my head in denial. “You never lost me in the first place. I’ll always be here as long as you want me.”
“I’ll never stop wanting you. Never.” He pulled away from my embrace, taking my hand in his, his eyes boring into mine. “Will you come home with me?”
“Are you sure? You said you wanted space…” My heart yearned for that, to go home with him, to spend the night—maybe all our nights—holding him, but I didn’t want to push him. If he needed space and time, I’d give him that. I’d give him anything he wanted.
“I was so fucking stupid. I thought if I had space, I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of losing her. If I shut down my feelings for you, I could shut down my feelings for everything else. But when Asher came over last night, he helped me see that all sending you away had done was make me feel double the loss.” He squeezed my hands and pulled me closer so we were nearly nose to nose. “I don’t have a choice in living without Mom, but it kills me knowing I might have ruined my chance to have you. Please tell me I haven’t ruined it…”
“You haven’t ruined anything. I love you, baby. I’d be happy to go home with you.”
“Thank God,” he said as he pulled me into his arms, crushing me in his embrace.
We stood just like that, locked in each others’ arms for a long while, and I didn’t know what was going through his head, but I knew I was savoring the feel of him, his scent, his warmth, his heartbeat pounding against my chest…had it been just an hour ago that I thought I might never have the privilege of holding him ever again? I never wanted to let go.
Eventually, we turned to face Annie’s grave as if we’d only just remembered where we were. I watched as Jamie took a couple of steps forward and fell to his knees in front of her headstone. I expected tears, and when none came, when he remained still and solemn, I feared he’d retreated into himself again. But when he turned and gestured for me to join him on the ground beside him, it wasn’t with a blank, empty stare but rather one of immense sadness. And as weird as it sounded, I was relieved because he was allowing himself to feel it.
I sank to the ground next to him, pulling my knees up in front of me and wrapping my arms around them. He resituated himself so he was sitting by my side in the same position, hips and shoulders touching, sharing our warmth in the crisp April-morning air.
“You know, the day I met you was the first day I’d ever gone into that coffee shop. I typically made coffee at home, but we’d run out, so despite the fact I was running late, I decided to pull into The Daily Grind on my way to campus. I’d driven by it almost every day since the start of the semester, but for whatever reason, I hadn’t come in.”
I could feel his eyes on me, so I turned to look at him. He reached up, brushing a hand gently down my cheek. “From the moment I laid eyes on you, I was captivated. I had to rush out of there to get to class, but I came back later that day because I couldn’t get you out of my head, and I just knew that I had to see you again.”
“I remember.” My lips turned up in a small smile. “You were kind of a creeper that day.”
“And you shut me down cold.” He returned my smile and then reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He slipped his fingers inside and came out with a scrap of paper, which he handed me. I unfolded it, immediately recognizing my slanted scrawl on the page. My eyes darted to his in confusion before returning to the words I’d written there.
Darkness falls on my descent into madness
The flavor of him lingers on my lips
I remembered writing this, playing with the words, trying to get them just right. I’d finally been frustrated and torn the paper out of my notebook and given up. I hadn’t written it for anyone in particular. I’d just been toying with different thoughts and ideas and playing around with words. I was surprised he’d kept it all this time.
“I can’t believe you saved this,” I said, dumbfounded.
