Page 75 of When He Saved Me
He shrugged. “Like I said, I was captivated from the moment I saw you. But this…this called to me on a deeper level. I wanted to know the person who wrote those words. I wanted to knowyou.” He paused for a moment as if contemplating his next words before continuing, “You came into my life at the worst possible time. I was in the middle of the semester at a new school trying to finish my credits so I could student teach while juggling taking care of Mom. With all the madness going on in my life, I had absolutely no business pursuing a relationship with anyone. But almost from that first day, it was like I didn’t have a choice. Something compelled me to stop in that particular coffee shop on that particular day. And even after you shut me down and called me a rich pretty boy a few days later”—I grimaced at that memory—“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I happened upon you stranded with a flat tire.”
He grabbed my hand, rubbing his thumb in circles against my skin. “I think you were always meant to be mine. And I don’t know, looking back, maybe the timing was exactly right. I’m glad Mom got to meet you and love on you.” My eyes pricked with tears. Some days I felt angry that my time with her had been so brief, and other times, I felt blessed to have known her at all, to know what it was like to feel a mother’s love. “I think in the end, it helped her to know that even after she was gone, someone would be here to love me. Someone who’d make sure I didn’t have to go through this alone.” He laid his head on my shoulder and sighed.
“I’m glad for that too,” I said as I pressed my lips to the top of his head before resting my head on top of his. We sat like that for a long time, staring at Annie’s grave as the sun rose higher in the sky, burning off the dew on the grass.
I thought about everything that had happened in the last six months. All the steps we’d taken. Forward. Backward. Sometimes sideways.
The path we’d traveled had been anything but straight, and there’d been moments one of us had supported the other when our steps had faltered, but it had been the path meant for both of us to take together. And it dawned on me finally that this was what love was really about. All that time, I’d been so concerned I didn’t know how to do this, that I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, that I didn’t know what love looked like…it looked just like this. It was picking up the pieces when the one you loved fell apart. It was comfort and laughter and patience and lust. It didn’t mean there weren’t hard times. It didn’t mean there weren’t fights and angry words and sadness. Love didn’t make you immune to any of that. But it made all of that shit worth it. It made the joy that much sweeter. The make-up sex that much hotter. The hugs that much warmer. It was tiny moments and big life-changing events.
It was him saving me and me saving him right back.
It was ours.
Only ours. Not anyone else’s. I didn’t need to have a good example of what love looked like becauseourlove, mine and Jamie’s, was as unique and extraordinary as a single snowflake falling in the midst of a blizzard. No one could define what that looked like but us.
It turned out all I had needed all along washim. We could figure the rest of it out together.
EPILOGUE
JAMIE
September
The late summer sun beat down on us as we loaded up the U-Haul we’d rented over the Labor Day weekend. In early June, I realized I couldn’t stay in my childhood home any longer. Everywhere I turned were reminders of the parents I’d lost and the family I’d once had. I couldn’t move forward, always stuck in memories of the past and wishing for things that would never be. It’d been an absolutely heart-wrenching decision, one made after spending the first week of summer vacation sliding deeper and deeper into a depression I couldn’t shake myself out of.
After that day at the cemetery, Finn and I became closer than ever, and while things had gotten marginally better, I’d still struggled in my day-to-day life. I’d finished my student teaching, and though I was sure I hadn’t given it my best effort, I’d managed to do well enough to be offered a permanent position this fall. I had to credit Finn and Mitchell for getting me through it. Without Mitchell guiding and supporting me at school and Finn holding me together at home, I wasn’t sure I would have made it.
Still, I’d crossed the stage in early May and received my diploma. It had been a proud moment after everything I’d been through, but there’d still been a shadow hanging over the day because my parents hadn’t been there to witness it. Aunt Cathy and her family had done their best to fill that void, but after all the friends and family had left my small celebration, I’d laid my head in Finn’s lap and cried myself to sleep.
Once school released for the summer, I found myself adrift once again. This time without the distraction of teaching to keep my mind off all I’d lost. Finn came home from a shift at The Daily Grind one day to find me sitting in Mom’s chair in her bedroom. Not the room she’d used before she passed, but the one she’d shared with my father as I was growing up. She had often used that chair to read or have a quiet moment when life was moving too fast. And sometimes, when I was little, I’d find her there and climb up on her lap to cuddle or have her read me a story.
When Finn had found me, I’d been sitting in the chair, staring into space. It had taken him three attempts to get my attention. He’d finally had to shake me to get me to look at him, and when my eyes had landed on his, he’d looked terrified. At that moment, I’d known I couldn’t stay in that house anymore. I would never be able to move on.
Shortly thereafter, Finn urged me to start seeing a therapist. It didn’t take much convincing, as I’d been contemplating seeing one on my own anyway, but I talked Finn into seeing one too. We both had plenty of issues we needed to work through, and it was past time we got started.
I also took a job as a lifeguard at a nearby pool for the summer. It proved to be a nice distraction during all those empty summer days, and I took to arriving early so I could swim laps before starting my shift. I’d forgotten how good it felt to work my body this way. I could lose myself in the rhythm of each breath and stroke and feel the power in my body’s ability to move through the water. It had been almost as good for my mental health as the therapy.
Finn continued to work at The Daily Grind and Ivory, though he’d cut back his hours to focus more on writing. He’d balked at that at first, worried about how it would affect his bank account, and though he wouldn’t take any help from me financially, he did agree to move in with me while Carmen took over the lease on his apartment.
The changes in him over the last couple of months had been a bright spot in my world where I’d lost so much. He had become more and more open with me, allowing me to see all the beautiful sides of him. My favorite was how often he smiled now. He’d always been beautiful, but when he smiled, it positively lit my soul on fire. It made me want to earn those smiles as often as I could, just so I could bask in his glow.
“You ready to roll?” Finn asked as he loaded the last box into the backseat of his Jeep. He whipped off his T-shirt, using it to mop sweat off his face before tucking it into the waistband in the back of his shorts. I watched as a single bead of sweat made its way down the center of his abs before being absorbed by the elastic waistband of his athletic shorts.
I blinked, shaking myself out of the lust-filled haze that image had evoked, and adjusted myself, trying to remember what he had asked me. The smirk on his face told me he’d totally caught me staring, but I just shrugged. My boyfriend was hot.
Remembering he was waiting for an answer to his questions, I sobered. “Yeah, give me just a minute.” I pressed a kiss to his temple, then turned to head back into the house.
“You want me to come with you?” he called out as I walked away from him.
I paused, knowing even before I turned to look at him that I’d see worry etched into his features. “Nah, I just need a moment to myself.” I offered him a small smile. “I’m okay. I promise.” The worry on his face eased some, but not completely. Still, he simply nodded, then turned back toward the U-Haul, ostensibly to make sure everything was secure, though I knew he was likely just giving me the space I’d asked for.
I made my way into the living room and stood a moment, my head on a swivel as I surveyed the empty space. Memories swept over me of a lifetime spent in this room. Despite having vacuumed, you could still see the indentations in the carpet from the furniture that hadn’t been moved in years. We’d sold or donated most of it. Our new two-bedroom apartment in the Crossroads District was much smaller and wouldn’t hold it all. Much of it was dated and didn’t really fit our needs anyway. Still, as I played through the highlight reel of my childhood, I imagined all of it as it used to be. The recliner where my dad had watched the evening news almost nightly. The area rug that was placed strategically to cover the Kool-Aid stain I’d left when I’d accidentally spilled my cup when I was seven. The coffee table where I’d raced my Hot Wheels, and then later, when I was older, where I’d sometimes done my homework while sitting on the floor. Where Finn, Mom, and I had shared a pizza the first time he’d come over to hang out with her.
My eyes traveled over the shelves of the built-ins. Once filled with pictures, they were now empty. They looked a little sad without all those memories filling them.
Then there was the corner where we’d always placed the Christmas tree. I had years and years of happy memories decorating a tree with Mom and Dad, then later, just Mom and me. This year, it would be Finn and me. And while I knew I would be sad that it was the first year I would do so without Mom, it would also be Finn’s first year decorating a tree at all. It would be nice to start a new tradition with him in a new home. One that I hoped we’d be able to repeat for years to come.
I continued my good-bye tour of the house, going room by room, allowing memories to wash over me as I stopped in each one. My heart hurt, but it was a sweet kind of ache. Since school had started a couple of weeks ago, I’d realized that it was getting easier to find the happy moments even in the midst of my sadness. Between the therapy, my relationship with Finn, and the space to truly process the loss of my mom over the summer months, I’d finally started to heal. It had taken the start of the school year and establishing a routine in my new role in the classroom for me to finally be able to look back and see the progress I’d made over the last couple of months. I was no longer simply surviving but was actually starting to thrive once again.
