Page 18 of When He Saved Me
Eventually, he dropped his forehead to mine, our panting breaths mingling as we tried to return our heart rates back to normal.
“I think I can safely say,” I said between stuttering breaths, “that I’m gay.”
Asher smiled, his eyes locking on mine. “Yep.” He leaned in and brushed his lips across mine before sitting up. Suddenly aware of the mess I’d made in my pants, I looked down at the stain spreading across the front of my joggers. Glancing over at Asher’s lap, I noted he had a similar situation. My eyes darted to his and held for a moment before we burst into laughter.
CHAPTER9
JAMIE
The dayafter I gave Finn a ride home, I walked into The Daily Grind and he wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or disappointed. The conversation we’d had the night before had left me with more questions than answers. Who had hurt him? What had happened that made it so difficult for him to let anyone in?
He’d tried to play it off like I hadn’t figured it out, but I suspected his front was because I’d gotten a little too close to the truth for comfort. He’d panicked and fled. The self-preservation instincts were strong with that one.
I didn’t begrudge him that. I’d never truly had my heart broken, but I’d experienced grief, and I understood what it was like to want to wrap yourself in protective layers so you never experienced those awful, ugly feelings again.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, I wasn’t wired that way. I wore my heart on my sleeve, and even when I tried to hold back, tried to protect myself from hurt or disappointment, my big feelings always rose to the surface, bursting forth for better or worse. I’d learned that, for me, it was better to be upfront with those feelings, good or bad, and deal with the consequences head-on.
But just as I understood that about myself, I understood that it didn’t work for everyone. With Finn, I would have to be patient. It was going to take time to peel back all those layers until I found the very center of who he truly was.
I also understood that the biggest rewards came from the things you had to work for. Something told me Finn was going to be worth it.
I didn’t make it back into the shop again until Tuesday. Classes were out for the Thanksgiving holiday, so I didn’t even have a reason to be in the neighborhood. But despite my best efforts to give him space, I found myself in my car and on my way almost before I realized what I was doing.
I stood out of the way just inside the door, leaning casually against the wall, and simply watched him work. The shop was fairly busy, so he hadn’t noticed my presence, allowing me the freedom to observe him in motion. There was a grace to the way he moved from counter to machine to customer and back again as if he was performing the steps to some intricate choreography created specifically for him. The barista next to him moved frantically amid the morning rush, clearly overwhelmed with the number of orders coming in, but Finn was the picture of calm. His movements were quick and efficient, competent, as he moved from one task to the next without skipping a beat.
I stepped into the line, continuing to observe him, patiently waiting my turn. At the counter, I ordered my usual and then, on impulse, added two pastries for Mom and Aunt Cathy.
As he called my name for my order, I noticed the barest of a hitch in his flow. Had I not been watching his movements, I wouldn’t have noticed it.
I stepped up to the counter and caught a flash of…something…in his eyes. It was gone before I could identify it.
“Haven’t seen you in here for a while,” he said as he handed me my coffee.
“You watching for me?” I hadn’t meant to be flirty, but Finn brought it out in me. He shrugged but didn’t answer the question, instead asking one of his own. “You having a better week?”
I was so used to Finn brushing me off that his question took me aback. “What?”
“You said last week was shitty. Is this one better?”
A broad smile stretched my face. Our interactions usually involved a little flirtiness from me and a sarcastic smirk from him. Never had they involved anything personal. Was it possible I was wearing him down? Peeling back that first layer? “Yeah. Much better. My mom came home from the hospital yesterday.”
His face grew serious. “Oh shit. Is she okay?”
I waved him off. “She has cancer, so no, she’s not really okay. But sheisbetter, and that’s all I can ask for. I’m excited to spend Thanksgiving with her.”
He looked down as one of the other baristas placed a couple of pastries in brown paper sleeves on the counter next to where Finn’s hand rested. He picked them up and handed them over to me, his fingers brushing mine in the exchange. “Wow, um, that sounds really tough.” His voice was quiet, hesitant like he wasn’t sure how to respond. Most people didn’t. Cancer made people uncomfortable. It didn’t discriminate—everyone was susceptible—and mention of it was a reminder that it could hit them or someone they knew next. In my experience, it was absolutely heartbreaking to watch someone who meant the very world to you suffer so dramatically, but it also made me laser-focused on the things that truly mattered. I didn’t have time or patience for the bullshit that most people seemed to get worked up about. I savored every moment I got to have with Mom and tried to find as much joy in my own life as I could.
Perhaps that was why I continued to pursue Finn. One might have argued that life was too short to waste chasing someone who didn’t want you. But I would argue that this wasn’t about the chase, not really. This was about seeking a connection with someone who you knew absolutely deep in your core would fundamentally change you for the better.
Logically, I didn’t know Finn well enough to truly know this type of connection could be made, but I’d stopped questioning the logic of anything having to do with Finn almost from the moment I’d walked into The Daily Grind that first time. I’d simply accepted that the path to him was a path I was destined to take. There was only one direction: forward.
“Yeah, it’s been a rough couple of months, but she’s an absolute badass warrior, so we’ll be extra grateful on Thanksgiving to still have her with us.” I smiled, thinking about how a week ago, we weren’t sure she’d be out of the hospital in time. It was a relief to have her home.
“How do you do it?” he asked.
“How do I do what?”
“How are you so goddamned cheerful about everything?”
