Page 27 of When He Saved Me
Before Jamie.
Carmen didn’t take my bait. “It’s okay to be scared. But don’t run away. Don’t cheat yourself of the possibility.”
“I have to go to work,” I said, deliberately choosing not to respond, instead making my way around the bed toward the closet.
“Finn…” she called out.
I came back out of the closet with a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt. “Leave it, Carmen. I know you mean well, but not everyone is built like you. You dream of love and marriage and family, and I…I just can’t see that for myself. Just let me be.”
I was almost to the bathroom door when she wrapped her arms around me from behind, stopping me in my tracks. I sighed. “Come on. I need to shower so I can get to work.”
“I know. But you know you deserve those things, right? You deserve love and happiness.”
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” We both knew I didn’t mean any of that, but what was I supposed to say?
She came around to stand in front of me, grasping both of my hands, her big brown eyes earnest as she said, “I mean it. You’re an amazing person, Finn. And I know I already said it before, but I want you to be happy. I want us both to be happy.”
“I’m not amazing. I’m a grumpy asshole barista who plays piano on the side. I’m just an average guy trying to get by like everyone else.”
“That’s the thing though. Life shouldn’t be about ‘getting by.’ There is joy and happiness andloveout there, Finn, and I want you to know that you deserve those things. I want you to let yourself have them.”
Her words were like tiny paper cuts on my heart. So small you could barely see them, but they hurt like a bitch. She was trying to make me feel better or inspire me or some shit, but they only made me feel worse. She was wrong. Those things weren’t for me.
I squeezed her hands before releasing them and stepping back. “I know you believe those things, CiCi.”
“Don’t push me away, Finn,” she said, sadness weighing down her words.
“I’m not pushing you away. I just have to go.” I leaned down and kissed her forehead, and then I fled.
* * *
The Daily Grindhad been slammed with customers most of the afternoon, with students studying for finals and folks trying to get ahead on their Christmas shopping. I’d been grateful for the distraction as it hadn’t given me time to contemplate the events of last night and my conversation with Carmen before I’d left.
But now, as I headed home, exhausted from the day, my thoughts couldn’t help but wander over the last twenty-four hours and everything that had been said. I wasn’t sure what I thought about whether I deserved love and happiness, but Carmen had definitely been right about one thing.
I was scared.
And goddammit, I was tired of feeling that way. Tired of living in fear. Tired of not really living at all.
I turned into the parking lot of my apartment and pulled into a slot in front of my building but didn’t turn off the ignition. Instead, I sat with my Jeep idling, staring at the darkened window of my third-floor apartment. Carmen had texted earlier, letting me know she was going over to her parents’ for dinner, and I suddenly found myself, maybe for the first time ever, not wanting to be alone.
Was this what the rest of my life would look like? Whether it was Isa or someone else, Carmen was going to find love. She would move in with someone else someday, maybe get married, maybe have that family of her dreams, and where would I be? Still a grumpy barista coming home to a shitty apartment alone.
Fuck it.
I pulled out of the spot and headed toward Jamie.
CHAPTER14
JAMIE
I was watchingan episode ofTed Lassowith Mom when the doorbell rang. “Were you expecting someone?” I asked.
“Nope,” she said with a tiny shrug.
I paused the show and got up to answer the door. I was floored to find Finn standing on my doorstep. His hair was disheveled like he’d been running his hands through it, and he wasn’t wearing a jacket, despite the chilly temperature.
He looked fine as fuck in his skinny jeans and hoodie, but I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorway, preventing his entry. It took a lot to push me over the line, but I was frustrated. And exhausted. Tired of studying and worrying about Mom and playing what felt like an endless game with him. I’d told him I would be patient, and I wanted to be, but his silence today hadhurt. How could I understand anything if he refused to talk to me?
