Page 36 of Something Good
“Your mom told you I was at the food pantry today, didn’t she?”
I frantically searched for something to say, something that wouldn’t piss him off, but I was pretty sure I had guilt written all over my face.
“Dammit, Will. I don’t want your pity tacos.” He stood and started walking down the gravel road that led to the highway.
“Sammy, come back,” I called after him. “It’s seven miles back to town. Are you going to walk all the way back?” When he didn’t respond, I scrambled to follow. “Sammy, wait.” I lunged for him, grabbing his arm in an attempt to stop him. “Sammy. Just stop for a damn minute!”
He turned on me, and I could just make out the gleam in his eye, could feel the tension in his arm as I held him in place. Thunder boomed in the distance, and the air crackled with the impending threat of a storm.
“I was just trying to help. I was trying to…I don’t know…make it easier for you. It’s just a couple of tacos.”
“Goddammit, Will! You have no idea what this is like!” he shouted, frustration rolling off him.
“Then fucking tell me!” I shouted right back. “You’ve barely spoken to me since last week. You didn’t tell me things were so bad. I had to find out from my mom!”
“Jesus, Will. What was I supposed to do? Who wants to tell their boyfriend they can’t make rent and don’t have any food to eat? What did you want me to say?” We were standing toe to toe, chests heaving as we flung words at each other. I didn’t miss the fact that he’d referred to me as his boyfriend, but this wasn’t the time to point that out. A couple of fat raindrops hit my cheek, but neither of us moved.
“I want you to trust me with all the shit. The good and the bad.”
“It’sall bad!” he yelled. “You have a mom and a stepdad who care about you, who feed you, who have jobs and can pay rent and college fees. Your job is a way to pass the time, to save a little money so you can order pizza on a Friday in the fall rather than eating at the dining hall.” The rain was falling in earnest now, a steady drumbeat that matched the pounding of my heart as the drops fell hard and fast all around us.
“My job is forsurvival, and it’s not enough. No one else will hire me, and I don’t have a car to look outside of Astaire. I can’t make rent. I have to choose between electricity and food, and it’s been in the nineties for a solid week. And it’s not just me. I have Jimmy too.” He was shaking with fury. With rage and fear and despair. “I have nothing.Nothing!” He yelled. A sharp crack of thunder echoed his words.
“Nothing,” he whispered. I saw it in him, that moment that happens right before a person breaks, before they shatter into a million pieces. Pieces that can never be put back in quite the same way ever again. I grabbed him and pulled him into me, squeezing him as tight as I could, holding him together so he wouldn’t fall apart.
We were soon soaked to the bone, but we didn’t move. I held him, whispering nonsense in his ear. He didn’t cry, but he trembled in my arms, clinging to me just as hard as I clung to him.
A shiver wracked his body, and I released him, grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the Jeep. I opened the passenger door, and he climbed in without comment. I ran around to the other side, picking up the ruined tacos and the sleeping bag that was now three times heavier with all the water it had absorbed. The irony wasn’t lost on me that the tacos we’d argued over were now inedible.
I wrangled everything into the back of the Jeep and climbed into the driver’s seat. Lightning flashed across the night sky and rain pounded the roof, but Sammy’s eyes were flat, staring straight ahead. He was shivering but didn’t seem to notice. I’d never seen him look so…lost.
It was alarming, that deadness in his eyes. Sammy’d always known what to do, what steps to take, how to solve a problem. He’d spent his whole life managing his mother and his brother. It didn’t matter his age. He’d been an adult for years. To see him like this was devastating.
“Sammy?” He didn’t move. I tried again, a little louder, making sure my voice could be heard over the rain pounding the roof. “Sammy? Are you with me?” I reached over, placed my hand under his chin, and turned his face toward mine. I stroked my thumb across the cluster of freckles on the top of his left cheekbone. Even in this state, with his soggy hair and sad eyes, he was beautiful. I leaned across the console and placed a kiss on his forehead, on his nose, and on his lips. I lingered on that last for a moment before pulling back. His eyes were closed as I pulled away. They flickered open, and he leaned forward, pressing another quick kiss to my lips before turning away again.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
When he continued to stare out the window without saying anything, I turned on the Jeep and began to drive.
18
SAMMY
My mind was racingand my thoughts wouldn’t settle. It was as if my brain was flipping through a list of words, going so fast that I barely registered one before I was on to the next.
Tacos
Will
Jimmy
Charlotte
Rent
Food
Walmart
