Page 40 of Something Good
“What? What is it?”
“You matter, Will. In ways that are different than they were a month ago. I don’t want to ruin you.”
He let out an incredulous chuckle. “Jesus, Sammy. I’m not some 1950s wallflower you’re about to deflower.”
I crossed my arms, unamused at his insinuation. “Who was your first kiss?”
His cheeks flushed. “You.”
I’d suspected he was inexperienced, but I hadn’t realized I was his first…anything. I thought back to the first time I’d kissed him at our spot at the beginning of summer. I’d been such a dick to him that day, wanting to make him suffer for leaving me for all these years. It had been stupid, harboring a grudge over something he had no control over, then using a kiss as some sort of weapon of retribution.
But that was why I was no good for him. Will was the type of guy who kissed with intention. With him, a kiss would never be anything as simple as a press of the lips or a prelude to sex. It would always impart some feeling or emotion. He’d never be able to disconnect the two. And that was just a kiss. Sex for him would be a declaration. He’d see it as a deeper bond between us that would be that much harder to sever when he left at the end of summer.
There was a part of me that wanted that. I wanted to feel that kind of connection with someone. Withhim. But I wasn’t sure I’d survive it.
“That’s the thing, Will. I’m a slut. I’ve slept with more guys than you want to know about. There were even a couple of girls in there because why not give pussy a try?” He paled at my words. I was hurting him, but I needed him to understand, and I thought he’d keep pressing if I wasn’t blunt. “You’re not like that. For you, sex willmeansomething. And this thing, whatever this is between us, it’s got an end date. You’re going to go to school and be off on your next grand adventure, and I’ll still be here trying to get through this existence of mine. Save it for the next guy. The one who takes you on dates and holds your hand and has an actual future.”
“Who are you trying to save here? Are you really afraid I’ll regret it? Or are you scared that maybe it’ll matter just as much to you, and you don’t know what to do with that?”
“That’s not?—”
“Quit trying to decidefor me. Quit trying to doom us to fail. Yeah, I’m going to college, but who says we have to stop dating?”
“You can’t be serious?”
“Why not?” His voice was laced with frustrated exasperation.
“Dammit, Will. You’re going to get to college, and guys will be all over you. And Purdue is how far away? Hours? It’s not like you can just pop home anytime you want. I’m not your future. I’m just…”
“What, Sammy? What are you? Please tell me. Put words in my mouth. Tell me what I want and what I’m feeling.” His jaw was clenched. Hands on his hips. Tension in the way he held his body. Eyes blazing with fury. “Go ahead. Tell me.”
A knock interrupted our standoff, and Olivia entered. “Hey, boys.” Her eyes flicked between us with a mixture of worry and curiosity. Nothing got past her, and I was sure she’d heard our raised voices, but she didn’t press. “Jimmy’s all settled in the guest room downstairs. You guys need anything?”
“No, I was just going to go sleep on thecouch.” He glared at me as he said the word ‘couch,’ then grabbed a pillow and a blanket off the foot of the bed before crossing to the door. “We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
Olivia watched him walk out, eyes pinched with worry, before catching herself and turning to me with a smile. “I’ll let you get some sleep. Let me know if you need anything.” I nodded, and she stepped into the hallway but turned back one more time. “I’m glad you’re here. Both of you.”
Before I could respond, she was gone, and I was left alone, standing in the middle of my boyfriend’s room.
20
WILL
I was losing him.We’d only barely begun, and he was slipping through my grasp. It felt like trying to hold water in my hands. I could keep him for a little while, but eventually, he’d slip right through.
Sammy was so hung up on the idea that he wasn’t good enough for me or that I was going to go away to college and lose interest in him. I wished he could see himself through my eyes. How strong he was. How brave. How fiercely loyal.
His prickly exterior was borne of years of abuse and neglect, but deep down, he was just a scared boy who needed someone to love him.
I stretched out on the couch, the backs of my eyes prickling with sadness, frustration, and fear. I had wanted him in my bed tonight, not because I’d wanted sex, but because I’d wanted to hold him. To smother him in love and affection. I’d wanted to be a safe place for him to land. But I’d been hurt by his rejection. By his constant need to hold me at arm’s length. And I’d been so focused on that that I hadn’t even had a chance to tell him how I’d really felt, that all I’d wanted was to wrap my arms around him and never let go.
I knew he was scared, but did he think I wasn’t? College was scary. Leaving him here alone to deal with all the shit that had happened in his life was scary. But contemplating the alternative, walking away from him for good, was worse. Surely, we could figure this out together. We had phones and social media. I would come home as often as I could. There had to be a way forward.
Giving him up wasn’t an option.
21
SAMMY
