Page 74 of Something Good
“Oh, um, yeah,” he said, straightening. “Did you have something in mind?”
“Is there a park nearby? I thought maybe we could grab a cup of coffee and take Goldie to the park to run off some of her energy.”
“Yeah, there’s a coffee shop on the other side of the square, and the park’s just a couple of blocks past that. We could walk if you want.”
I finished getting everything set up with Julio, then grabbed Goldie’s leash from the car and clipped it on. We headed down the sidewalk with the sun shining and the trees leafing out in shades of green varying from near yellow to a deep emerald. After grabbing coffees and pastries, we headed toward the park, where there was a walking path that wound its way around the perimeter.
We sipped our coffees as Goldie crisscrossed her way back and forth across the path, trying to sniff every leaf and twig she came across, nearly tripping me a half-dozen times in the first ten minutes. With my heart pounding and my chest constricted, I mulled over my words, trying to decide exactly how I wanted to start this conversation.
This morning, I’d forced thoughts of the past out of my mind, wanting to savor the pleasure of our orgasms, but as had happened every time we’d seen each other since I’d been back, something always managed to remind me of our history. The universe kept throwing us into each other’s paths, and I didn’tthink I would be able to move forward with whatever this was between us without resolving the past.
Or maybe there wasn’t anything between us other than lingering unresolved lust. Maybe we’d burn through it fast and bright, only to crash back down again. And then where would that leave me? I was tired of getting burned.
“You gonna spit it out, golden boy? I can practically hear you overthinking.”
I filtered through the things I’d learned from Jason and the things Sammy had said since I’d been back, snapshots of the way our breakup had affected him. Things I hadn’t considered when I’d been so absorbed in my own grief over losing him.
He was a mess, Will. He answered the door in the same clothes he’d had on the night before. His hair was a disaster and he had circles under his eyes.He looked…broken.
I just wanted you to have the life you deserved. I didn’t want to be the reason you stayed. I didn’t want to hold you back.
I wasn’t trying to throw you away. I was setting you free.
…you were my something good. The light in the darkness.
Letting you go was unbearable.
I let out a breath, deciding it was time to rip off the Band-Aid. “I need you to tell me why you broke up with me. I need to know all of it. It’s been eating at me for ten years. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but this one has only festered. I can’t seem to let it go.”
He put his hand on my arm, stopping me. “Hey. Take a breath.” He watched me carefully while I took a couple of steadying breaths. I hadn’t even realized I was getting so amped up. He nodded to the fence outlining what looked to be a dog park just a short distance away. We could see dogs running and playing while their owners stood talking in small clusters of twos and threes.
We passed through the gate, and I unclipped Goldie’s leash. She stood for a moment, watching the other dogs, before heading over to greet a black lab about her size. Sammy and I took a seat on the bench nearby, keeping an eye on Goldie while she played with her new friend.
He pulled our pastries out of the sack he’d been carrying and handed me a croissant before pulling out one of his own. “I didn’t want to hurt you, Will. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
“Then why’d you do it? I’m tired of speculating. I want to hear it from you.”
He abandoned his croissant, instead reaching over and grabbing my hand, rubbing his thumb back and forth in a motion meant to soothe. “I’ve spent a lot of time in the last week thinking about the way I handled things between us all those years ago. I truly thought I was doing the right thing when I let you go. I fucked up the way I went about it, but I really thought it was what was best for you. I thought you’d be upset, but then you’d get over it once you got to college and realized how much better you could do without me dragging you down.”
I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I hated that he’d valued himself so little that he really thought I’d be better off without him. “I loved you, Sammy. I wassoin love with you that it was like a living, breathing thing. How could you ever think I’d be better off without the other half of my heart?”
“Jesus, golden boy.” I’d told him he no longer had the right to call me that. It was a painful reminder of what we’d once been. But since he’d told me what that name meant to him, it didn’t hurt quite as much, so I let it slide. He brushed his hand across my cheek before pulling my hand into his again. “I didn’t see it that way at the time. I didn’t think it was possible for you to love someone as fucked up as I was. You wanted to sacrificeeverything for me, but I was sure if you just left, you’d realize how ridiculous that was. You’d move on.”
I looked down at my coffee. “I thought you regretted me,” I said, my voice soft.
“Jesus, Will. I never regretted you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.” He yanked his hair tie out, combed his fingers through the strands, then set to work taming it back into the ponytail at his neck. Fiddling with his hair had always been a habit of his when he was agitated.
“But that night, you said you shouldn’t have let me talk you into a relationship…”
“Because I knew I wasn’t any good for you and would only end up hurting you. Which is exactly what happened.” There was misery in his eyes, mixed with pain and sadness. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
I accepted that. And this time, I really did believe it. But there was one more thing I needed to know. One more thing that had been eating away at me for years.
“Did you love me, Sammy? Was there ever any part of you that loved me?”
“Do you really think I didn’t?” His words were soft, but they were said with so much intensity that it took my breath away.
“I said I loved you, and you got out of my car without looking back. What else was I supposed to think?”
