Page 9 of Something Good
I gently placed my hand on his knee and asked, “Has this happened before?”
He nodded.
“Look at me.” He shook his head again, squeezing his eyes tighter and gasping for air. “Come on, Jimmy. Look at me. I can help.”
He slowly opened his eyes, struggling to focus them on mine. His pupils were blown wide in panic as he continued to struggle to breathe. “Keep your eyes on mine and breathe with me. In-2-3-4, out-2-3-4-5-6-7, in…” I repeated the pattern over and over again, moving steadily through the counts, keeping my voice low and calm as he breathed with me. His eyes remained locked on mine like I was offering him a lifeline in the midst of a stormy sea. I could feel the tension in his body relax ever so slightly as he took more and more air into his lungs and the panic began to ease from his features.
A commotion behind me caught my attention, but I kept my gaze on Jimmy, not wanting to break eye contact with him. I wasn’t convinced the panic attack had fully released its grip on him and didn’t want him to regress.
“What the fuck is going on here? Get your hands off him!” Sammy pulled me back by the shoulder and shoved me out of the way, taking my place and kneeling in front of Jimmy. He placed his hands on Jimmy’s cheek, gentling his voice as he said, “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re okay.”
Jimmy nodded and his face crumpled as more tears fell, but his breathing seemed to be steady and even, so it looked like this was a post-panic attack letdown rather than a continuation of the panic attack itself. I watched as Sammy pulled Jimmy into a hug, holding him while he cried, seemingly forgetting I was even there.
After a few moments of murmuring between them, they both rose, still facing each other. Sammy’s back was to me, his hands behind Jimmy’s neck like he was inspecting him to ensure he really was okay. Jimmy swiped at his tear-stained cheeks, and then, for just a moment, his eyes caught mine. Something passed between us as he gave an almost imperceptible nod before ducking his head and turning to walk with Sammy out of the lot.
“So what wasthe deal with that kid in the parking lot today? He’s Sammy’s brother, right?”
Jason and I were at Sherry’s, sipping on milkshakes after having eaten dinner with our respective families. I’d been restless at home, my chest heavy with worry about Jimmy and frustrated with my continued estrangement from Sammy. I’d texted Jason to meet up, hoping the distraction would help.
“Jimmy, yeah. How do you know Sammy?”
He shot me a look of disbelief. “Dude, there were a hundred and fifty people in our graduating class and most of us grew up together. We all know each other.”
“Fair point.”
“The question is… How do you know him?”
“You don’t remember Sammy and me hanging out back in the day? We were practically inseparable.”
He shrugged. “I mean, I guess I do. But everyone was kind of friends with everyone back then. Plus, you and I mostly hung out at sports and shit, and Sammy didn’t play. At least not that I remember.”
“Nah. Wasn’t really his thing.” Though he came to most of my games when he wasn’t watching Jimmy. He’d ride his bike to the field and watch from the other side of the fence. It’d always made me feel good to know he was there. Like I was somebody special.
Longing, hot and intense, shot through me at those memories. I wanted those days back. The days when our friendship was simple and it was just him and me and nothing else mattered.
“So is that Jimmy kid okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I shrugged, not really wanting to gossip about him. Jason was cool and his interest seemed genuine, but still. It didn’t feel right to talk about it, and I didn’t really know much about the situation anyway.
Jason glanced at his smartwatch, which looked like a text had just come in. “Shit. My mom needs me to pick up my sister from her dance class.” He stood, sucking up the last of his shake with a slurping noise. “You work tomorrow?”
“Nah. But I’m in on Friday.”
“Cool, me too.” We fist-bumped and then walked to our cars. I got in my Jeep but didn’t start the ignition, instead watchingas Jason’s truck disappeared down the street. My chest still felt heavy, and I was filled with restless energy I didn’t know what to do with. It was just after eight o’clock, and I wasn’t ready to go home.
I sighed as I pressed the button to start the Jeep. I backed out and turned in the opposite direction from home, unsure where I was headed, just knowing I needed to be somewhere else, anywhere I could clear my head.
It shouldn’t have surprised me when my car rolled to a stop at the entrance to the trail Sammy and I had often frequented as kids. It wasn’t even an entrance, really. There was a tiny track you could barely make out among the brush and overgrowth that started just beyond the curb and met up with the trail a short way through the trees. I wasn’t sure where the trail officially started or ended, but this was where Sammy and I had always picked it up.
I got out of my car, pocketed my phone, and headed through the brush. Stepping onto the main trail, I stopped, closed my eyes, and breathed deep, fighting through the constriction in my chest, using the same breathing pattern I’d given Jimmy earlier. As the weight began to ease, I opened my eyes once again, marveling at how a forest could look relatively unchanged despite my absence over the last eight years.
Feeling steadier and breathing easier, I turned to the right and made my way down the path.
The weight of anxiety was with me always, but most of the time, it was light enough that I barely noticed. Some days, it was heavier for no apparent reason, and others, it was clearly due to one stress or another.
Today’s symptoms had likely been triggered by Jimmy’s panic attack. It was sometimes like that. As if it was contagious, someone else’s anxiety could trigger my own. Thankfully, I’d had it under control with medication and coping strategies longenough that most situations didn’t trigger an actual attack. Still, the weight on my chest could be annoying.
My mind wandered as I traversed the familiar path. Images of a younger Sammy and Jimmy blended with the versions of who they were in the present, sending a confusing swirl of emotions swimming through my veins and causing my pulse to beat erratically. While my chest no longer felt constricted, there was still an underlying thrum of anxiety humming through me, like the vibrations an animal feels moments before an earthquake. I’d hoped a walk in the forest would help alleviate some of the tension in my body. It had eased some, but I’d been unable to completely escape those thoughts that still left me feeling edgy and agitated.
