Page 65 of Something Good
How was it seeing him again?I wasn’t sure I had a clean answer for that. Physically, I could say he’d only gotten more attractive in the last ten years. Lust had coiled hot in my belly at the first sight of him. As an athlete, he’d been fit coming out of high school, and it was evident he still kept in shape, but that body was all man now. And the way his hair had hung over hisforehead just a little. That beard. Thatfuckingbeard. All of it worked for me.
But as much as I’d always loved Will’s body, it was his heart I’d been most attracted to. The way he cared. The way hesawme, regardless of my shitty home life. The way that no matter our differences, he always seemed to understand me, sometimes before I understood myself. So when I’d seen him Thursday night, I’d been struck by the emptiness that stretched between us. I’d severed our connection years ago, and now, I didn’t know who he was. It had left me feeling unsettled.
Our server came and took our orders, and then we were left with nothing more to distract us. “So, how are things with Steven?”
Jimmy narrowed his eyes. “Oooh, no. We are not gonna talk about my shit until we finish talking about your shit.”
Resigned, I leaned back in my seat. “It was weird seeing Will again. I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, but I don’t know if I could say it was good either.”
“Wow,” he said, completely deadpan. “You have the emotional range of a snail.”
“What do you want me to say, Jimmy?”
“He was the love of your life. Surely seeing him again had more of an impact than, ‘It was weird.’”
He wasn’t the only one who could roll his eyes. “Love of my life? You are such a hopeless romantic.”
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug, completely unapologetic. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to love.”
“Then what are you doing with Steven?” I shot back.
“Quit making shitty comments about my boyfriend.”
“Do you love him?”
“Did you love Will?”
Unconsciously, we’d both leaned forward with our arms resting on the table, squared up in a stalemate. Our serverapproached awkwardly, hesitating like she wasn’t sure she should interrupt. “I’m sorry. Your food should be out in a moment. I just wanted to top off your coffees…”
We both leaned back, moving our mugs over so she had easier access to refill them. She looked back and forth between us before rushing off to the kitchen.
“No, I don’t love Steven. But I’m not like you, Sammy. I’ve never been very good at being alone.” He hadn’t said it with malice, and I didn’t take it that way. He was right. I’d always preferred my solitude.
“I just don’t want you to settle. You deserve someone who respects you. Who treats you just as good as you treat them. A partner.” I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Just because I don’t want that life doesn’t mean I won’t support you if that’s what you choose. I just want it to be with the right guy.”
“You say you don’t want that kind of life, but what if there’s a reason Will’s back? What if your paths were meant to cross again?”
“I don’t know him anymore.” This entire conversation was exhausting. “The guy couldn’t get out of my shop fast enough Thursday night. Pretty sure he satisfied his curiosity about me, and that’s the end of it.”
“But what if?” Jimmy pressed. “What if he’d stayed? Do you think you’d still be together?”
“Stop, Jimmy. Just stop.” I could feel my cheeks heating with frustration. “Nothing good comes from wishing we could change the past. You can’t move forward if you’re always looking back.”
Our server arrived with plates of food, giving me a moment to calm my racing heart. I had never allowed myself to explore the possibility that things could have been different between Will and me, but the thought made something ache inside me. It was an odd feeling, a yearning I didn’t think I’d ever experienced. Ormaybe I had, and I’d buried it. It was madness to think about it now.
Our server departed, and Jimmy opened his mouth to resume the conversation, but I cut him off, voice quiet but firm. “Let it go, Jimmy. Please just…let it go.”
He must’ve seen something in my expression that gave him pause because he nodded and dug into his pancakes. We moved on to other, safer topics, but there was a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that wouldn’t quite dissipate. Jimmy had unlocked something inside of me, and it was like trying to put a sleeping bag back in its sleeve. Once it was out, it never quite fit back in again.
Once again,I found myself staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. I had gone to bed just after eleven but found myself wide awake at two. So now I was standing barefoot in my studio, staring out the window into the quiet night.
The conversation I’d had with Jimmy had stuck with me the rest of the day, playing on a loop in my subconscious, every so often poking through to the forefront of my mind, just to irritate me. I didn’t want to contemplate any of it. Will and I had been over for a very long time, and that was the way it would stay. No need to look back and wonder about what could have been.
Distantly, I heard the sound of my phone buzzing from my bedroom. Nothing good came from phone calls in the middle of the night. Concerned that it might be Jimmy, I rushed around the bed to my nightstand and plucked it off my charger, surprised to see Will’s name next to the missed call notification. I hesitated, but against my better judgment, pushed the button to call him back.
“Hello?” I hadn’t noticed it the other day, but his voice had deepened ever so slightly over the last decade, and the sound of it on the other end of the line went straight to my cock.
“Did you call?”
