Page 90 of Switch
I lean back, sliding myself a few inches away.Less subtle this time, and this time he gets the hint.He drops his hand and picks up his own glass.
“You know, I don’t think I did a good enough job of hiding my crush on you, all those years you were with Marina.I even asked to play with you more than once, but she always said no.”
The information catches me mid-swallow, and I wind up sputtering probably fifty dollars’ worth of red wine out of my nose.
Tomás laughs as I grab a napkin.“I guess she didn’t tell you.”
“She did not.”More coughing.“Which is strange because she didn’t particularly have qualms about sharing me.As long as she could be there to watch.”
Honestly, I didn’t mind it at the time.It was hot, getting touched by so many hands at once that I didn’t know who was doing what.The way PJ growls at any mention of someone else touching me, though?Honestly even hotter.
It shouldn’t be.I know it shouldn’t be.I’m sure I could use some therapy.But having someone want me so badly all to themselves really does it for me.
So, here we are.
“She probably realized my intentions were less than honorable.”Tomás glances down, for once not exuding the air of confidence he always seems to have.“When I noticed the two of you were having trouble, I was tempted to try and step in.”
Shit.I nearly choke on my wine again.This is what I get for trying to fill my emptiness with wine and a man I don’t want.
“You knew we were having trouble?”
His smile isn’t unkind.“Everyone knew.You both did an admirable job of keeping it to yourselves, but our community in Belle Argo is a small one.If one person sneezes, the rest of us catch a cold.”
“Probably because of all the orgies,” I mumble around my wineglass.Which I now realize is empty.Dammit.
Tomás’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes.“I always did enjoy your sense of humor.And your kindness.I’m not exaggerating when I say that hearing Marina had refused your wish to have children broke my heart.You’d make an amazing father, and it wasn’t fair to deny you that chance.”
Whether calculated or sincere, Tomás’s words punch me straight in the chest.My eyes burn.“It would have been unfair to pressure Marina into having a child she didn’t want.To her and to the child.Besides—” I nod to Bruiser, who is stretched out a few feet away from us on one of his beds.He’s paused gnawing a chew treat to growl at the air around him.Most likely someone walking their own dog past the house.“—I have Bruiser now.”
Perhaps the only productive thing I’ve done since leaving PJ was to text his friend who worked with the animal rescue to let him know that I would be keeping Bruiser.After I found fault with each of the first few adoption applications the rescue forwarded my way, I made the decision that he was already home.
“Yes, I see,” Tomás agrees.“At any rate, it’s neither here nor there.I’m getting the distinct impression that the feeling isn’t mutual.”
It’s not a question, but I answer him.Or I want to.The second I picture the devastation on PJ’s face when we last spoke, my throat tries to close.
“I’m hung up on someone.His name is PJ,” I manage.“We’re not…we’re not exactly together right now.In spite of all the reasons why we don’t make sense, I can’t stop thinking about him.Or missing him.”
Needing him.
Tomás, God bless him, pours me another glass of wine.“I’m an excellent listener if you’d like to tell me more.”
And strangely, I do.Sitting there with my not nearly full enough, but I guess it will do, glass of wine, I spill everything.All the people who blamed me when Marina died, because if I hadn’t brought up having children again, we wouldn’t have fought, and she wouldn’t have decided she needed a girls’ trip in Miami.She wouldn’t have been in that hotel when it collapsed.
I confess to not wanting to run into Marina’s best friend, and how that led to me kissing PJ.The way we owned each other so thoroughly.The way he took care of me after.The way he got me Bruiser, to have a routine and someone to care for.The fact that he was my student, and how that should’ve been the final straw, but it hadn’t been.My family’s disapproval, especially Wes’s.
The fact that I’d realized I might be a switch, and how it had felt to top PJ the night we’d found out Marina’s brother was alive.
“Here’s the worst part.”I unbutton my shirt, showing off the temporary tattoo that says “Owned.”It’s a bit faded after wearing it for a week, but still there.
“He wanted me towear it to class this past Monday, but on Sunday we broke up.I wore it anyway.”I poke at the itchy spot right over my heart.“Shaved my chest hair and everything.I’m the one who said I didn’t want to see him anymore, so I don’t know why.He hasn’t even shown up at class since then.I thought trials made couples stronger, but in the end it was all for nothing.”
Tomás smiles sadly.“Not nothing.I think you wore the tattoo because your heart has decided you belong to him, even if your brain is having some issues with the idea.”
“He lied to me.Submission requires trust.”
Tomás looks up to the ceiling.“Oh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can genuinely see how he would have been in a very difficult position.He knew your brother was the one to set up the date, and it sounds as if he also knew your social circle had become rather small after Marina’s passing.It makes sense that he wouldn’t want to harm your relationship with your only sibling.”
I groan, leaning my head back against the sofa.“I know.You’re right.He told me Wes asked him not to tell.”
