Page 66 of The Good Part
‘Felix!’ I say, exasperated. ‘I am not going to invite Molly and her dad to come on some random outing to find a man in London who may or may not know something about an ancient arcade game that may or may not have magical properties.’ I take a loud breath. ‘Can we please just get to school and discuss this later?’
Felix goes quiet, and we drive in silence for a minute.
‘I’ve lost my school library card. Can I look in your bag?’ he asks quietly.
‘Sure,’ I say, handing him my handbag from the front seat. ‘Look, I’m sorry for shouting. I know you’re only trying to help.’ Felix shrugs. ‘It’s just I really need to get my train today.’
At the school, Felix holds my eye in the rear-view mirror before unbuckling his seat belt. There’s a flash of something in his eyes – guilt. What would Felix have to feel guilty about? Maybe he hasn’t done his homework, or he’s fighting with a friend? Anything could be going on with him, and I wouldn’t even know to ask, I’m too consumed in my own drama. It’s not just my own life I’m going to need to catch up on, it’s the lives of everyone in this family. When I get back from work, I will make time, I will find the right questions to ask.
My morning at Badger TV is spent trawling through emails, trying to get to grips with a myriad of urgent things I’m apparently now responsible for. The pitch off itself is just one small cyclone in an endless storm. Michael tells me to delegate but even delegation feels beyond me. Everything requires a level of knowledge I just don’t have. My inbox is a torrent of tax code questions, building lease amendments, data protection registration, union petitions, staff training requests, a notification about the expiry of my Bamph retention agreement, commissioner meetings, budget meetings, shooting schedule meetings, pre-meetings, post-meetings, wrap-up meetings. How can one person need to be in quite so many meetings? There’s even a meeting scheduled to discuss meeting schedules. I’ve had to block out my diary with pretend meetings just to stop anyone from putting more meetings in.
Trying to focus on something as frivolous as ‘thinking up new TV shows’ also feels impossible. My head keeps jumping back to Sam, to the pain in his eyes as he told me about Chloe. That pain must be mine too, lying dormant somewhere. If my memories return, will that grief come back too? I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to lose a child. Selfishly, I’m not sure I want to know.
By lunchtime I need to take a break from creating fake meetings, so I nip to Selfridges to try and return all the crazy stuff I bought. Well, most of the crazy stuff, I’m not giving back the boots. Unfortunately, the man at the returns desk won’t accept the purple suit. He claims it’s been worn, and that the tags have been sellotaped back on.Outrageous.And he isn’t at all sympathetic when I explain that I didn’t know about having to pay for the nanny and the mortgage and the loft cladding and all this other boring grown-up stuff I’m supposed to spend my money on now. It doesn’t help my case that, for some reason, I don’t have the card I paid for it all with in my wallet. When I lie down on the floor and beg, the manager eventually takes pity on me and offers me sixty per cent of the purchase price in store credit, if I’ll stop making a spectacle of myself.
Just as I’m wondering whether Maria might agree to be paid in Selfridges vouchers, Sam calls. The thought of speaking to Sam adds a little bounce to my step, but as soon as I answer the call, I know something is wrong.
‘Have you heard from Felix?’ Sam’s voice is stricken with panic.
‘What? No. Why?’
‘He ran away from school. They don’t know where he is.’ Sam takes an audible intake of breath; he can hardly get the words out. ‘They wanted to check he hadn’t gone home before they called the police. He didn’t say anything to you on the drive to school, did he?’
‘No, I don’t think so,’ I say. My heart starts pounding in my chest and my lungs contract, leaving no room to breathe. My mind races, trying to remember what Felix and I talked about in the car this morning.
‘He doesn’t have any money; he can’t go anywhere.’ Sam’s voice catches in his throat, as though he’s on the verge of screaming.
‘Sam, my bank card is missing,’ I say, with a horrible sinking feeling as I remember Felix going through my purse to look for his library card. ‘He could have taken it. Where would he have gone?’ The thought of Felix, out alone in the world, possibly in danger, causes an animal ache in my gut followed by a rising tide of panic. What if he’s been taken? What if he’s hurt? A knot of primal fear tightens in my chest, so overwhelming, it feels like I might pass out.
‘The tracker on his iPad,’ Sam says. ‘Find My Child. If he has his backpack with him, you might be able to see where he is on your phone.’
Keeping Sam on the line, my hand shaking, I search my phone screen for the app. A low hum of dread sits in my stomach, as though this is all my fault. The app opens and I see an icon labelled ‘Felix’s iPad’ moving across the map on the screen.
‘He’s between Aldershot and Ashvale,’ I tell Sam, but the dot is moving. ‘He’s... he’s on the train.’
‘The train?’
‘He’s coming to London.’ As I say it, the knot of fear releases an inch.
‘Why would he be going to London?’ Sam asks.
‘I don’t know. I’ll go now, intercept him at Waterloo.’
‘I’ll call the train line,’ says Sam, ‘alert a guard, ask someone to keep him safe until he gets to you.’ Sam’s voice shifts from fear to anger. ‘I’m going to kill him. What is he thinking?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say.
But then maybe I do.
Chapter 26
After shooting a text to Michael to explain that, yet again, I have a child-related emergency, I reach Waterloo in time to see a red-faced Felix being escorted off the train by a guard. ‘This one yours?’ he asks me.
‘He is.’
‘This your mum?’ the guard asks Felix, and there’s the briefest pause as Felix picks something out of his nostril before acknowledging that I am indeed his mother. ‘All right, Dick Whittington, off you hop.’
Crouching down to his level, I pull Felix into a hug. At this busy station, next to the tall guard, he looks so small, so vulnerable. ‘We were so worried. What were you thinking?’
