Page 91 of Is She Really Going Out with Him?
I nod; I’ll think about it. “Since we’re being so open, can I say something else that bothers me—” I pause. “Sylvie said something about the kids having two mums now.”
“I know, it’s too much. I’ll talk to her—” Dan says.
“I don’t want to be precious, it’s just—”
“You’re their mother, Anna,” Dan says, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder. “You’re a great mum, you always have been.” He lifts his glass to take another drink before realizing it is already empty. “I’m sorry, for how things were at the end. I know I must have been hard to live with. You were right about me being depressed. It wasn’t your job to fix me, I see that now.”
Dan has never apologized, never acknowledged that his mental health impacted our relationship. I’m so genuinely surprised Idon’t know how to respond. Eventually, I say, “Thank you. I don’t think either of us were good at communicating.” I smile across the table at him, and his mouth smiles back, but his eyes look sad.
“I know you blame me for ending us, but when I started getting depressed, it wasn’t just about work or whatever. I could see something had gone for you, as far back as when Ethan was a toddler.”
“That’s not true,” I say, shaking my head.
“Yes, it is. You stopped loving me before I stopped loving you, though you’d never admit that, not even to yourself.” His words burn, and I swallow a lump in my throat as he squeezes a hand over mine. “Sometimes I wonder, if we hadn’t met so young…you know.”
“It was still worth having, wasn’t it?” I say.
“It was.”
Then he reaches for my hand and lifts it to his mouth to give me a friendly peck. His eyes look glassy as he quickly wipes at them with his other hand. We exchange a meaningful look, a bridge built over something that was broken.
Stepping out of the pub into daylight, I take a moment to enjoy the feeling of sun on my face. Dan walks me back to my office and we say good-bye in the hall. He leans in to hug me, a real hug. “Thank you,” he whispers in my ear before turning to go. I don’t know if I’ve fully digested this news about the baby, but that’s the most honest, constructive conversation we’ve had since the divorce. If that’s what our relationship can look like going forward, then it’s a cause for celebration.
Walking back to my desk, I realize my long hug with Dan was visible to the whole office. Glancing across at Will, I see he’s watching me. There’s a flash of something—jealousy? Something he wants to hide, because he swiftly pulls his gaze away. That afternoon, neither of us e-mails about the archive.
Google searches:
Tutorial, basic DSLR camera setup
Statistical likelihood of being pregnant if I have an IUD and used a condom?
Do multiple orgasms make it more likely you could get pregnant?
Chapter 30
Will throws the rental camerabag over his shoulder as we walk out of the office.
“Thank you so much for helping,” he says as we walk down Milsom Street. “I really appreciate it.”
“No problem,” I say, feeling strange about how formal we’re being with each other. I tug at my shirt; it suddenly feels too tight. Have my boobs grown? Since my conversation with Dan, I’ve spent the afternoon being paranoid that I could be pregnant. No preventative measures are 100 percent effective. What would I do if I was? Ireallydon’t want a baby, least of all the baby of a man who’s leaving town. Casual sex might have its downsides.
“Do you mind if I grab a sandwich on the way? I didn’t have a chance to get lunch,” Will asks as we pass a popular new bagel place.
“Sure, of course,” I say, and we walk in together. There’s a line, and just as we get to the front of the queue, Will’s phone rings. He looks at the screen, and I can see him deliberate about whether he has time to take it.
“I can order for you if you need to get that?” I offer, and he looks relieved. “What do you want?”
“Anything,” he says, then steps out of the line to take the call.
“Next,” calls the flustered deli owner. “What can I get you?”
“Can I get a bacon, lettuce, and tomato on rye, please, the bacon extra crispy, and do you have brown sauce? Great, thank you.”
“Mayo?” he asks.
“Yes, if it’s Hellmann’s, no, if it’s not.” He nods. “Just a little of that too.” I watch him start to make the bagel in front of me. “Can you put the mayo on that side of the bagel, and the brown sauce on the other? Great, sorry, thank you.”
When I finish ordering I turn around and see Will watching me. He’s finished his call and is giving me a strange look.
