Page 60 of Heart Check
Maybe I was hoping whatever she saw in me was different from what everyone else did. That she’d be the one thing I didn’t have to earn first.
“Are youembarrassedof me?” I ask, mind whirling.
Her gaze flicks away from mine, a little furrow forming between her eyes. Blood rushes in my ears, hot and humiliated, and my vision tunnels in until all I see is the expression on her face that confirms all my fears. Maybe it’s the contrastbetween how on top of the world I felt a few minutes ago and the rapid, harrowing plummet back to Earth. I just gave this girl my heart in my hands—I told her about my biggest insecurities, kissed her like I’ve never kissed anyone, was about to break all my rules for the chance to be with her—and she squeezed it to a bloody pulp right in front of me.
“I— No, that’s not it—” Harper stammers.
But she kept me a secret from her best friend. After everything I was willing to risk for her.
Maybe that’s why Noah’s face appears in my mind, sneering and dismissive. Why his words fall out of my mouth, thoughtless and cutting. “I’m sorry, but anyone would think that’s ridiculous. I’m practically doing you a favor by going out with you.”
Harper reels back.
“I’m sorry,” she says, ice in every syllable. “Doing me afavor?”
Beneath my hurt, I’m aware I’ve really put my foot in it. “I didn’t mean it like that,” I say through gritted teeth. “I just meant… that’s what people would think. If there’s anything to be embarrassed about—”
“It’s me,” she finishes, cheeks flaming and words clipped, already opening her door. “Yeah, I get it, Dawson. For a minute, I fooled myself into thinking there was more to you, but I was right in the first place. You think you’re better than everyone because your coach has flattered your ego or whatever, and this school has happily played into it. But I was just fine before you started brooding in my direction, okay? I have lots to focus on this year without you. More important things. I don’t need someone who’s so aware of his social status andhow outmatched we are that he thinks dating me is afavor.”
Time slows around me. My heart pounds in my ears in panic. Harper’s slipping right through my fingers, and I can see it happening. After all this time of carefully winning her over, I’ve ruined everything in one dumb conversation. Proved all her worst fears right.
“That’s not what I meant,” I say quietly, desperately. “I—”
But Harper’s shaking her head. “I need a minute,” she whispers. “I can’t think straight.”
I’ve done a lot of chasing after Harper this fall.Maybe you should take her at her word,a voice whispers in my ear.You don’t need someone who’s embarrassed of you. Let her be the one to fix things for once.
Even if this time maybe it’s not fixable. Maybe I don’t deserve her and that’s it. I fucked it up for good.
By the time I come back to my senses, Harper’s sliding out the door. She turns to stare at me, face unreadable. No sign that earlier tonight she’d been afraid to let go of my hand.
“I thought you were different from the rest of the team. But oh, I was so wrong.” Quieter, so quiet I can barely hear her, she whispers, “I hate being wrong.”
Then she slams the door in my face, and she’s marching up the front walk and away from me.
21.DAWSON
It’s a miracle I don’thave an accident as I drive home. I’m in a daze, barely seeing anything in front of me.
“How was Skate Night?” Mom calls from the kitchen. I hover at the foot of the stairs, hoping I can escape to my room, but no dice. She’s already emerging carrying a bowl of popcorn. Movie night.
God, maybe I should’ve stayed home instead of skating out on thin ice. Would’ve saved me a lot of grief.
“Fine.” Our living room suddenly feels cramped and claustrophobic, its overstuffed furniture crowding me from all sides instead of seeming comfortingly worn, like usual.
Dad looks up from his recliner. “You ready for next week’s game? I hope you didn’t do anything reckless out there tonight. You know you can’t afford to.”
I try not to stare at his knee. “I didn’t do anything reckless, Dad.” Barely, just barely, I manage not to add:Not like you. I’m not you.
Even though, if I hadn’t messed everything up, I definitely would’ve broken a few of his rules for Harper. And from the wreckage of my emotions right now, I’m beginningto understand exactly why those rules were so important.
He squints at me. “The game’s against Northview?”
I just nod. He knows it’s against Northview.
He looks back at the TV, clicking through movie options. His voice is casual, like he could have this conversation in his sleep. “Jack Petrov still their first line center? You know that guy’s got footwork for days. And their coach is nothing to laugh at. They’re the only team that has consistently outscored Hamilton Lakes. The last time you faced them—”
“I know, Dad.” I can’t help the snap in my tone. He doesn’t need to remind me how much is on the line and how underprepared I feel. How this year that seemed so full of possibility and promise is quickly turning into the greatest disaster of my career.
