Page 88 of Husband of the Year
“You’re not,” Jill says. “My mother sent so much baby gear when Maria was born that we’d need a mansion to fit it all—and since my teacher’s salary doesn’t quite cover that, I tossed the overflow in the basement. I knew someone would need them at some point. Nick has been bugging me to clean it out, so, really, you’re saving me from having to audition for an episode ofHoarders: Baby Edition.”
“Happy to help,” I say.
“There’s a crib and changing table en route. You should be set with the basics by Monday.”
“Wow. Thank you. I guess I didn’t know what I didn’t know,” I say.
“This is what we do, Marvin. Take care of each other. When Gregory outgrows all this, save it for your next baby or pass it on to someone else.” She wiggles her eyebrows at Sheldon.
“Oh, no babies for us,” Sheldon says. “We have Janice and Walter. We’re good.”
Theo nods in agreement. “Fur babies are plenty.” He smiles and Sheldon gives him a quick peck on the cheek.
“Okay, we need to focus.” Sheldon takes his phone from his pocket and begins flipping.
“I made a list. A long list.” He glances around the great room. “And this place is a baby minefield. Let’s get to it.”
Jill and Theo nod and the three of them huddle around Sheldon’s phone as he gives orders. It’s all a jumble to me—a symphony of table corners, outlet covers, safety latches, window guards, and stairs.
By the time we break a few hours later for the gourmet lunch Theo’s packed in his cooler, the house seems ready.
“You’re ready for an army of babies,” Jill says, taking a bite of quiche. “Holy shit balls, Batman, what is this?”
A massive smile overtakes Theo’s face as he puffs his broad chest out.
“It’s a roasted tomato, basil, and parmesan quiche. The secret is roasting the tomatoes myself.”
“And he grates the cheese, too,” Sheldon says.
“I’m not buying pre-grated ‘cheese’ in the plastic canister. I’m not a heathen,” Theo says.
“He also makes the crust from scratch.” Sheldon rubs his hand up and down Theo’s arm. “No cutting corners.”
“Would you be interested in moving in with me and my husband?” Jill wipes her mouth. “He’s really cute.”
“Not cute. Gorgeous,” I say.
“I’m all set.” Theo leans over and kisses the top of Sheldon’s head. “But thank you.”
“Wait until you taste the potato salad,” Sheldon says. “New potatoes with fresh radishes, red onions, and cucumber.”
“And fennel,” Theo adds.
“Damn,” Jill says. “You’re lucky.”
“I am.” Sheldon beams.
“We both are.” Theo pulls Sheldon onto his lap and the stool wobbles under him, but he steadies himself by grabbing the counter.
“I need a gay husband,” Jill says.
“Excuse me. You have one,” I say.
“One that can cook.”
Theo coughs, but it swiftly evolves into an infectious chortle, causing all of us to burst into laughter alongside him.
“Marvin, hello, you…, um… what…” Isabella stands at her front door, eyes agape. “Marvin!”
