Page 40 of Shattered Stars
My first thought is Rhianna. Did she change her mind? Is she begging for my forgiveness?
But that hope fades as quickly as it appears. She isn’t going to forgive me.
I bring myself back, rolling up to sit, every part of my body hurting, and pick up my phone. I glance at the first message, then the next and the next, leaping to my feet. Then I’m sprinting out of my room, down the stairs and banging my fist on the door.
He doesn’t answer right away, but I keep on hammering and yelling his name, until finally it clicks open and I’m treated to the view of his retreating back. I follow him inside, noting the boxes already stacked up inside his room.
“You’re leaving?” I say. It’s a rumor, right? It can’t actually be true.
“Yes, I’m leaving,” he says, stopping by his desk and tossing things inside the box resting there.
“You can’t leave. We haven’t graduated.”
“I’ve earned enough credits. My mother put in the request to the principal an hour ago and she agreed. I have permission to leave the academy and join the forces at the West immediately.”
“What?” I say, his words spinning around my head, none of them making sense.
“I think you heard me the first time.”
“I did, but it made no fucking sense. Why the hell would you leave? We have another half of a year to go.”
“Staying is just a vanity. We already know everything we need to know. Hell, Tristan, you and I are a hundred times better than all the other losers in this place. I’d rather be out there fighting, making a difference, rather than sitting around with these deadbeats.”
“You’re wrong,” I tell him. “There’s more to learn. More that would be useful.” I’m not even halfway done with all the knowledge I want to suck from this place. Every little piece of information, each nugget, is a step closer to being the best, to being better than him.
Spencer shakes his head. “I’ve had enough of this place.”
I take a step towards him. I want to rest my hands on his shoulders and shake some sense into him, but I know he can’t stand to be touched, not with the beast prowling inside him.
“Out there isn’t like the dueling pitch, Spencer. Fuck, it’s not even like the Warehouse.”
“Do you think I’m fucking stupid?” he snaps. “That’s half the reason I’m going. I’m tired of play acting, of pretending. I want to do something real. To push myself to the limits. Isn’t that what you want too, Tris?” he asks, finally turning to face me, his eyes curious for my reaction.
Fuck, but it is tempting. To throw it all away. To give the finger to my father and head to the front. To show everyone just how powerful I’ve become, to show them just what I can do.
But there’s more than just knowledge and information and the opportunity to grow and learn that’s holding me back, keeping me tethered to the place.
Rhianna.
“We’ll be giving them five years of our lives as it is. Why give more?” I say.
Spencer laughs bitterly. “Let’s not pretend I have any kind of life beyond my time in the service. What I am, Tristan, the monster inside … There’s no life for me. No fucking position on the council, no pretty little wife, no family.”
So this is the reason, therealreason. I’ve never thought any less of my friend for his affliction. Fuck, when I was young and he made me swear not to tell a living soul, I thought it was the coolest thing ever. Now we’re older, now I understand more, I see it for the burden it is. For the prison. There’s nothing cool about it.
“Your father has those things,” I tell him softly.
“My father is one of the lucky ones.” He looks away from me. “Look what happened to Tobias.”
My heart aches for my friend and I glance down at my chest. I thought I’d ripped this organ from my body long ago. Seems I was wrong.
Seems I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.
But so is he.
“You can have whatever life you want.” He shakes his head. “You can. Because, I promise, I’ll be right by your side.”
His chestnut eyes flick back to mine and for the first time I see he doesn’t believe me. He doesn’t trust me anymore and I have no idea why.
