Page 67 of Harper's Holiday Romance
“That bad?”
“The worst. He taught me a few valuable lessons, but most importantly he taught me how to let go. I thought I was obsessed with him, that I would be nothing without him, and if he didn’t want menobody would, all those fun cruel things we tell ourselves, or if we’re lucky our partners tell us.” I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, he was that guy, was he?”
“He was, but like I said, he taught me a lot, and learning to let go of the things I can’t control and the people who aren’t right for me was a huge life lesson. After that I experimented a little with my sexuality. I spent time dating two or three women, until I met Amy.”
“Is that your ex?” Julia asked.
“Yes, it’s a couple of years ago now, but she was the last person I was in a serious relationship with. I managed to let go because I knew it wasn’t right, but she couldn’t do the same. Since then I’ve been closed off. There are reasons that involve my ex and her inability to move on from what we had, but it’s not just that,” I pondered.
Julia listened intently. She leant forwards and put her hand in mine.
“I blame my inability to date and my general anxiety when it comes to using dating apps on my ex, but it’s not all her fault. I have become so programmed to believe it’s going to fail, I close myself off from opportunities completely. If I don’t feel that instant connection and an instant spark that makes the ground shake and the hairs on my arms stand on end, I don’t want it. The truth is I don’t want any more life lessons.” I reached for my drink. I was conscious of saying too much, but talking to Julia felt genuine; it didn’t feel judgemental at all. She allowed me the space to be open, and she didn’t try to butt in. She didn’t try to make it about her. I could see her being a fantastic doctor. She urged me to continue.
“I don’t want to have another conversation with my family about why my partner won’t be coming with me for the holidays. I don’t want to tell my younger sisterthat she’ll never see my partner again. I don’t want to hold my animals at night and use their fur to wipe my tears because the bond they created with my partner is gone. I’m always left with this embarrassment, this heavy weight on my shoulders, and guilt from having to pick up the pieces, so I stopped. I just stopped trying.”
Julia studied me. I feared I’d said too much, but she didn’t remove her hand from mine. She swapped it between the two, using her index fingers to kneed at the inside of my fingers. She slowly traced the lines of my palm. She pointed towards the top line; it was deeper than the rest. “You know this is your love line?”
“Are you about to tell me you have a side job as a hand analyst?” I sat up straight, allowing her the freedom to manoeuvre my hands at will.
“No, not quite. Although, I hear you can make a killing doing it.”
“I remember someone doing it in high school. I think this one was the lifeline.” I pointed to the longest line, which filled me with confidence. “I’m sure there was a money line and a fate line or something.”
“Well, the love line is the most prominent; do you know why?” Julia asked.
“No.” I shook my head.
“We all want or need to be loved. It’s the most basic human impulse. Sometimes we can cover that want with various forms of self-protection, but deep down that want and desire is always present. From the moment we hear or see our first love story we go searching for it. My first experience of love was the relationship between Lois and Clark.”
“Wait, which Lois and Clark?”
“Smallville.”
“Okay, I didn’t want to be picturing Dean Cain if you were talking about Tom Welling and his beautiful eyes.”
“You know your Supermans.” Julia smirked. I gestured with my fingers, just a little bit. I grew up with a DC crazed older brother.
“Sorry, please continue.” I chewed on my bottom lip.
“I fell in love with Lois and Clark’s story. I cheered them on for years. I had sleepless nights over their chemistry. I watched them fall in love on screen, and it became like real life to me. There was this almighty come down when the show ended. All that build up, and I was like, now what? How do I go out in the real world and find someone when I’m comparing it to that?”
“I see.”
“We search for our own love story, and we get disappointed when it doesn’t plan out the way we naively assume it will. You don’t finally meet the love of your life in a random place. I believe they’ve been there all along, guiding us, teaching us, helping us become the person they need. When you finally meet that person, it isn’t groundbreaking, and it isn’t love at first sight. It’s an understanding. Love is this place of comfort, a sudden feeling of home, and most importantly it’s the start of a long-awaited commitment to be the best version of yourself for that person.” Julia shrugged. “At least that’s how I see it.”
“Erm, I have no words,” I stumbled.
“Sorry, it was too much. I get carried away. It’s the ten years of writing dissertations about the human body.”
I chuckled. “No, I loved everything you just said.”
“Then what is it?” She leaned into me, pulling the arm of her bamboo chair a few inches closer. She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and I couldn’t regulate my breathing any longer.
“Kiss me,” I said softly. I’d said the words a thousand times in my mind. If only she knew how badly I wanted to feel her lips on mine.
She did as I asked. I let my hand linger on the side of her neck. My fingers could feel her pulse quicken as she moved her lips to tangle with mine.
