Page 38 of If I Could Say Goodbye
‘Ed, wait!’ I head out of the room and look up to where he has stopped on the stairs, his one hand holding on to the banister. ‘I need you, I don’t want you to sleep in the spare room, I—’
‘This marriage isn’t always about what you need, Jen. I think we both need a bit of space.’ He gives me a sad smile. ‘I’ll see you in the morning. Night.’
He takes his hand off the banister as I stand and watch his retreating back.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
Kerry sits on the bottom stair and takes off her shoes.
‘Doesn’t love mean you shouldn’t have to say you’re sorry?’she asks.
I don’t know why my subconscious is thinking aboutLove Storyright now, when, right now, my life couldn’t be further away from one.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ed
I bet everything looks OK to everyone else here. Look at me . . . my arms are swinging by my side, both hands clutching my children’s as we make our way to the park. I look like the dad that I always wanted to be. The dad that you think about when you find out that you’re going to have a kid. Jen was all about the tiny shoes and the soft blankets, but me? I wanted to be Park Dad, Kids-on-my-shoulders Dad, and I bet that is just what I look like. What I bet I don’t look like is Wife-is-having-a-nervous-breakdown Dad.
Oscar pulls his hand from my grip and runs towards the open gate. Hailey stops walking and looks up at me. ‘Where is Mummy?’ The question doesn’t bother me, the look in her eyes does.
‘She’s in bed, having a lie in.’
Obviously, I don’t tell my daughter that Jen barely sleeps during the night and that I often hear her mumbling to herself in the early hours of the mornings.
‘Will that make her better?’
I turn my back and close the gate behind us. She sucks the end of her plait as we sit down on the bench and Hailey repeats her question.
‘Will it?’
‘Mummy just misses Aunty Kerry very, very much.’ I pull her under my arm and kiss the top of her head, both of us laughing as Oscar hangs upside down from the monkey bars, his ribcage exposed from beneath his red T-shirt, his pale ribs swinging back and forth.
‘Is that why she keeps doing weird stuff?’
My breath catches in the back of my throat. I turn to face her and brush her hair out of her eyes. ‘Sometimes when we lose someone close to us, it can make us do silly things. Mummy just needs a bit of time to fix her broken heart.’
‘Will it fix mine?’
‘No, tickling fixes yours.’ I pull her towards me and begin tickling her under her armpits. Just as I knew she would, she squirms and laughs until no noise is coming out. ‘There . . . better?’
‘A bit.’ Hailey scrunches up her nose and pushes her glasses up. ‘What about when she is late to pick me up from school. What should I do then?’
‘Mummy is late picking you up from school?’
She begins sucking her plait again, avoiding my gaze and focusing on Oscar. ‘Sometimes.’
I reach out and wiggle her knee to get her attention back. ‘How often is sometimes?’
‘Not many, only once, maybe twice?’ She frowns and the purple frame of her glasses moves up with the action.
‘Maybe Mummy was stuck in traffic. That happens sometimes.’
She nods. ‘It hasn’t happened since Mrs Woodley talked to her after school.’
My mouth has gone dry. ‘Mrs Woodley spoke to Mummy about being late to pick you up?’
She nods. ‘Mrs Woodley and Mr Newton.’
