Page 62 of If I Could Say Goodbye
‘I guess.’ I reach up and loosen her foot from the netting connecting her way towards the fireman’s pole part, the bit that she is always scared to do. So far, I’ve managed to get her to lean forward and hold it, but she never lets go. ‘Do you think she is feeling better?’ Hailey sits down and reaches her feet forward, crossing her pink trainers over on the other side of the pole.
‘I think so. She’s trying really hard, it’ll take time but yeah, I think she’s feeling a bit better. Now come on . . . you can do it.’
Her hands reach forward as she grips the pole.
‘Good. Right, we’ve got this.’ I clap my hands and rub them together. ‘Come on, Hales . . . you can do it.’
Her bottom shimmies closer to the edge, her eyes peeking over the top of the frame of her glasses.
‘OK. Three, two, one!’
Her eyes screw shut as she pulls her bottom away from the edge and slides down the pole.
‘Yeah!’ I pick her up and swing her around, plonking her back onto her feet and giving her a high five.
Jen and Oscar arrive by our sides, a smile fixed on Jen’s face.
‘I did it, Mummy!’
The smile remains and Jen tells her how proud she is. Hailey’s face is reddening with pride. ‘Well done!’ Jen beams. ‘You did it, you got through the tunnel.’ Then the joy in Hailey’s face drops like a stone.
‘Silly Mummy!’ Oscar giggles and begins swinging Jen’s arms forwards and backwards. ‘Hailey got through the tunnel ages ago!’
Jen flaps her hand, as though there is a fly.
But as the day goes on, I can see it. I can see that she is acting . . . Jen is just playing a part on a stage.
Chapter Forty-Three
Jennifer
‘Harder, sweetheart,’ I say, glancing over to Hailey, who is hitting a plastic bag containing ginger-nut biscuits. ‘Think of something that makes you really angry. Look.’ I take the rolling pin from her hand and begin walloping the bag with gusto, my voice raising so she can hear me above the banging. ‘See? I’m thinking about the woman who pushed in front of us at the ice-cream van!’
Hailey giggles, covering her rosebud mouth with her hand, as though she’s afraid of letting me see that she’s happy.
I pass the pin back to her. ‘Got it?’
She nods and begins hammering the bag, biting down on her lip as she does.
‘That’s it!’
Her eyebrows pull together as she continues. I ignore Kerry, who is licking her finger and turning the pages in the recipe book. I turn away from them and begin breaking up the white chocolate into a pan.
‘You’re doing it wrong, you’re going to burn the chocolate.’
I’m not going to burn the chocolate.
I ignore her. Kerry never baked, she wouldn’t have a clue about the best ways of melting chocolate, but she continues to berate me, telling me the gas is on too high, that I should be using a bain-marie.
You don’t even know what one of those is!
Kerry wouldn’t have known a bain-marie if it bit her on the arse. I grind my teeth, resisting the desperate urge to tell her to fuck off.
Once finished, Kerry has gone and the biscuits inside the bag have been reduced to rubble. ‘All done?’ I ask, but Hailey has started crying. I take the rolling pin from her while tears stream down her face. ‘What’s wrong?’ I ask.
She doesn’t answer but instead runs to Ed, who is standing in the doorway, his face pale. She buries her head in his stomach, wraps her frail arms around him and holds on tightly.
‘I think she’s caught her finger with the rolling pin.’ He nods, concern etched in the lines around his mouth. ‘I’ll grab an ice pack.’
