Page 67 of If I Could Say Goodbye
Jen is talking to, I was going to say to herself, but it’s not is it? It’s Kerry. I stand in the doorway and watch her as she folds her clothes neatly into her case.
‘I know it’s the right thing to do, can you see my white bra?’ She waits for an answer. ‘Thanks,’ she says.
You would think I would find this creepy or disturbing and I do but I mostly feel sad. Because, at the moment, she still has Kerry. What happens when we fix this? When the doctor gives her whatever medicine she needs, treats her for schizo—whatever this thing is. What then?
I push the door open. ‘Almost done?’
She jumps when she sees me and looks over to the wall beside the window where I presume Kerry is standing. ‘Yep!’
She places her bra on the top of the clothes and runs the zip around the case. She arches her back, leans against the bed with her head down. I walk towards her and rub her back the same way as I did through her contractions. A noise leaves her mouth, a strangled cry in a pitch that I’ve never heard come out her mouth before. I pull her into my arms and try to soothe the sobs that are shaking her body. I don’t know what to say, what to do. I just hold her.
‘Mummy?’ Oscar pushes the door open and rubs the sleep from his eyes. Jen tries to smile at him but turns into my chest instead. I free myself and scoop him up, taking him onto the landing.
‘Mummy has had some sad news, Grandpa has fallen over and hurt his back.’
‘How?’
‘He . . . he was . . . dancing.’
‘Dancing?’ Hailey looks at me sceptically, joining her brother, her hand resting on her hip. ‘Grandpa doesn’t dance.’
‘Well, he and Grandma, well they started dance lessons.’
‘LikeStrickly?’ Oscar asks, pulling his pyjama bottoms from between his bum cheeks.
‘Gross,’ Hailey states.
‘Did he wear sparkly trousers and have a jacket that is too small for him?’
‘Of course not!’ Hailey rolls her eyes but then hesitates. ‘He didn’t, did he Daddy? Grandpa didn’t wear sparkly trousers and a jacket that doesn’t do up?’
Jen joins us on the landing, blowing her nose noisily.
‘Mummy? Does Grandpa wear sparkly trousers when he and Grandma do the dancing?’
‘Dancing?’ Jen asks.
‘Um, yeah. I was just explaining that Grandpa has hurt his back when he went dancing with Grandma.’ I cringe, but Jen starts to laugh.
‘That’s right. Silly Grandpa . . . he . . . slipped on a—’
‘Glitterball?’ I question as she nods.
‘That’s right.’ She smirks. ‘Grandpa slipped on a glitterball and hurt his back. So I have to stay with them for a while to help Grandma look after him.’
‘Oh.’ Hailey looks at me. Her face is confused and understanding all at the same time.
I clap my hands. ‘Right, I’ll get you two some breakfast and then we’ll take Mummy. Let’s see if you can get to the bottom of the stairs before I count to ten. ‘One, two, three . . .’ I plant a kiss on Jen’s cheek as I pass her.
‘Glitterball?’ she asks.
I shrug my shoulders. ‘Four, five, six . . .!’
Chapter Forty-Seven
Jennifer
I’m sitting here watching. Watching as Ed tries to explain to my parents what is going on. Watching the way that Ed’s hands are gesturing in the same way as they do when he’s had a drink. Too much stimulation.
