Page 28 of If I Could Say Goodbye
Sex used to be fun. Sex used to be something that I wanted more of. Sex used to be . . . not this. Not an excuse to silence all the things that need to be said.
Our breathing slows. Jen’s head is on my chest as I run my fingers up and down her arm.
‘You scared me yesterday.’
‘I know.’
‘You said you wouldn’t do it again.’
‘I won’t. I promise.’
I want to believe her.
I don’t.
Chapter Nineteen
Jennifer
I sit down at my parents’ kitchen table, while Dad cuts his homemade flapjacks into neat squares for the kids.
Ed is trying to untangle his watch from Hailey’s hair.
‘Ouch!’ she shouts, fixing him with a vicious glare.
‘Sorry,’ Ed replies.
‘Vladi-vos-tok,’ Hailey murmurs under her breath.
Oscar eats a bogey that he has recently examined and then grabs a large piece of flapjack from the plate. Oats sprinkle onto his white school polo shirt.
‘Why did Aunty Kerry die?’ Oscar asks out of the blue. ‘Was she a really bad person?’
‘No, she—’
‘Did she go to hell because she was naughty?’
‘No, Aunty Kerry wasn’t naughty,’ I explain.
‘She was, she let me have sweets before bed when she was the babysitter and I didn’t have to brush my teeth.’
‘Did she?’
Flapjack-filled faces nod with wide, knowing eyes.
‘What else did she do that was naughty?’ I ask, glancing over Oscar’s shoulder to where Kerry is telling Oscar that he had better not break their pinky promise.
‘She let us watch—’
‘Oscar!’ Hailey warns. My children’s eyes meet and hold a silent conversation, Hailey replying to Oscar with a little shake of the head. He reaches for a glass of milk and takes a large slurp, even though his mouth is still full of flapjack. Kerry ruffles Oscar’s hair, pinches a piece of flapjack, jumps up and sits on the kitchen worktop. She begins dissecting her food, fishing out all of the hidden dried apricots that Dad sneaks in because ‘they’re full of iron’. Oscar’s hair remains tidy despite my sister’s gesture.
Ed takes a moment, his eyebrows raising with sudden clarity. ‘Did she let you watch scary movies?’ Oscar begins shaking his head vehemently, causing him to cough flapjack and milk over the kitchen table. Hailey’s eyes widen even further and she focuses her attention towards a knot in the wood of the table.
‘Uh-oh . . .’Kerry smirks. ‘Busted.’
‘Did she?’ My head swivels away from Kerry towards where Hailey is turning an astonishing shade of red. ‘Hailey? Did she let you watch grown-up movies?’
‘It was only once.’
