Page 32 of If I Could Say Goodbye
I open my mouth to offer her some words of comfort, but I find that I don’t have any. Kerry is dead. She’s not coming back, not to Nessa anyway. Instead, I reach for the plug. The bath begins to fill as I open the shampoo and wash her hair, bringing up her chin and tipping her head back as I would with Oscar. I add conditioner and comb it through, the ends of her black hair resting in a neat line along her back, rinsing it while her eyes stare blankly ahead, conversation knowing its place and staying silent.
After some time, I wrap her body in a towel and lead her into the bedroom. I carefully remove the duvet and replace it with a fleecy throw from the bottom of the bed; Nessa slips on a clean pair of pyjamas, and climbs in.
‘Oh, Ness.’ Kerry has wiped away her black camouflage smudges and is wearing pink pyjamas. She climbs into bed and cocoons the curve of Nessa’s back with her body, wrapping her arm around Nessa’s waist and closing her eyes.
I reach for one of Nessa’s notepads from the desk, ignoring the pages screwed up into balls that litter the carpet, and write her a note, letting her know that I have Erica, that I will take her to school and that I will call her later.
Erica is still awake when I return to the lounge, even though the rest of her body looks like it should be beneath a duvet. She looks up and smiles at me.
‘I’m glad you’re here.’ Her voice is caught in a yawn.
‘I have an idea. How would you like to come for a sleepover?’ I glance at the clock on the wall. It’s just after half-two.
‘Yes please! I’ve never been invited to a sleepover before but—’
‘I’ve asked Mummy, she said it’s OK,’ I reassure her.
‘It’s not that . . . will Oscar still be cross with me?’
‘Not once he sees those biscuits, now let’s grab your uniform, shall we?’
By the time I pull up outside my house, gentle snores are coming from the back seat. I turn off the ignition.
‘Can you help her, Jen?’Kerry is still wearing her pyjamas and is sitting in the passenger seat.
I’ll try my best.
‘Nobody is perfect.’ Kerry quotes the closing line fromSome Like it Hot, her voice fading like the credits on the screen.
Chapter Twenty
Jennifer
Ed is wearing a suit and is standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his expression folded like origami. His skin, originally relaxed and smooth, has creased into confusion, lines forming around his forehead and wrinkling into a frown; his eyes dart from Erica to me and back to her. The tumble dryer tosses Erica’s clothes while she sits with freshly showered hair next to Oscar, who is blowing bubbles into his Coco Pops with a straw; Hailey is trying not to laugh. One of Oscar’s giant chocolate milk bubbles has just popped all over his face, leaving them all dissolving into laughter.
‘Good morning, Daddy,’ Hailey announces, her mouth full of cereal and her spoon gesturing at Erica. ‘Erica has stayed at our house because her mummy is poorly.’
‘Right. Um, Jen?’ Ed cocks his head towards the hallway. ‘Can I speak to you please?’
I finish putting chocolate spread onto the final piece of toast, pile it on top of the rest of the slices and slide the plate onto the table. Eager hands grab at them before I’ve barely moved away and into the hall.
‘What’s going on?’ A look of panic crosses Ed’s face and I can tell he’s trying to keep his emotions in check. ‘Please tell me you didn’t kidnap Nessa’s daughter.’
I burst out laughing. Ed takes a step backwards and watches me with trepidation. My laughter catches in my throat as I realise he is actually serious.
‘What?’ I ask him. ‘Do you really think—’
The words hang in the air. His expression folds again, and lands somewhere between embarrassment and apology. ‘I . . . no but—’
‘You thought I’d kidnapped a child, Ed?’
‘No, not really.’
‘Not really?’
‘No. Anyway—’ He scratches the back of his head. ‘What happened? And how is it she is in our kitchen playing sword fights with a spoon? Look, Jen, there is chocolate milk getting splattered all over the place.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ I wave my hand dismissively.
