Page 66 of If I Could Say Goodbye
For better or worse. In sickness and in health. I picture her face as I lifted her veil away; the absolute trust in her eyes that she was marrying the right man was there for all to see. Was she wrong? Would another man have been able to help her? I want to be able to protect them; I want to be the one they turn to when they are scared. Jen is my other half. The other half of me. And she’s broken. I have to find a way . . . to fix us.
Google is still blinking at me. It’s like it’s daring me to type the words into the search bar as I sit down.
I rub my temple and lean on the table. My fingers flex and then I type the letters and stare at them as I take a sip of tea.
‘My wife is seeing someone who isn’t there’. I click the mouse.
The word I don’t want to see is the first word I read: ‘schizophrenia’.
‘Ed?’ Jen’s voice startles me. I close the laptop and turn to face her.
‘Hi. Sorry, did I wake you? I couldn’t sleep.’
She gives me an unsure smile. ‘Kerry keeping you up?’ she says, but she’s joking. I think.
‘Is she, um, is she here?’
Jen yawns and shakes her head. ‘No. Come back to bed?’
I drum my fingers on the top of the laptop. It’s warm and for a moment I picture the word ‘schizophrenia’ burning away beneath my palm. ‘I’m just reading through this proposal for the meeting on Friday. I’ll need to make sure it’s a good one before I ask to reduce my hours for a bit.’
‘What will you say to work?’
That my wife is in pieces, I almost say. ‘The truth. That my wife is ill and needs some recovery time.’
She exhales loudly. ‘Come to bed. It might be the last time we’ll be together for a while.’
‘Sure. I’ll just finish up. Five minutes?’
She nods, chews her bottom lip as if she wants to say something more. ‘OK.’
I wait until I hear the click of the bedroom door before I open the laptop. The words blink at me, but I exit the screen. There are going to be plenty of nights alone when I can read through this stuff.
Jen is still asleep when I call my mother-in-law.
‘Sorry to call so early, Judith, but I just wanted to let you know what, um, what has happened. It’s Jen.’
‘What’s the matter? Is she hurt?’ Her voice rushes from the phone and I curse myself for not starting the call better.
‘No. She’s fine, nothing like that. But. No, well she’s not fine actually. She’s—’
‘We’ve noticed she’s been . . . different.’
I breathe out a sigh of relief. ‘Would she be able to come and stay with you for a while? She needs some space. I’ll explain when we get there.’
‘Of course. Of course.’ The line goes quiet for a moment. ‘You’ve not had an affair have you, Ed? Only Brian told me about the sailor hat and the . . .’ she clears her throat, ‘handcuffs, and I wondered if you were trying to spice, uh-hem, things up and I thought that there might be problems with things. It’s not unusual for a man of your age to have problems with getting a—’
‘Please stop. For both our sakes. No, I am not having an affair. Jen is ill, Judith, she—’
Jen’s amused voice interrupts. ‘Is going round the bend?’
‘What did she say?’ my mother-in-law asks.
Jen kisses me on the cheek and takes the phone from my hand. ‘Hi, Mum. I’m going nuts and need to come and stay. I’ll explain later, OK?’
‘Nuts?’ I hear Judith’s panicked voice as Jen moves the phone from her ear.
‘Mmmhmmm.’ She pauses. ‘Pretty nuts, Mum. Pretty nuts. Do you mind if we tell the kids that Dad is poorly? So, if he could pretend to have a bad back or something?’
