Page 60 of The Truth About You and Me
‘No. Not any more.’
‘If it’s OK, I’d like to look in on him? I have a friend here, and it would be no bother.’
‘That would be lovely…?’
‘Maggie.’
‘Maggie. Good to meet you.’
We follow the large staircase down to the reception area. Sounds from the communal area leak towards me: a TV, a cough, laughter, something like ping-pong being played from further along. I pick up the pen and sign myself out. My thoughts return to Jack. Is he already trying to forget me, the time we spent together? I push the thought away.
I might not be able to have Jack in my life, but maybe my curse doesn’t have to be something I hide from, not all the time.
27
FRIDAY 1ST NOVEMBER
Jack
The rain powering down distorts the road signs flashing by. I flick on the windscreen wiper. If only clearing my questions about Maggie was this easy. I’ve relied on the Google Maps narration to get me to Guildford. I know the roads well now and I trust myself enough to navigate my way to Dr Levin’s.
I follow the instruction to join the motorway, checking over my shoulder as I join at speed.
I’ve spoken to my parents and they’ve confirmed that it was eleven when the ambulance came. And that I was not found outside the pub but two streets along. Completely the wrong direction to where I should have been heading. As I have for the past week, I try to force my brain to remember more details. But there is just Luke’s face.
The next episode of the podcast I’ve been listening to is waiting like the guilty secret it is. But instead, I put on the radio.
Today will be my fourth session with Levin and every time I think I know what to expect, he comes out with something new. Last time it was listening to Darth Vader’s imperial march as I stepped on a huge letter J laid out on the floor in bubble wrap, popping the air pockets beneath my feet. For ‘Ch’ it’s Bob Dylan’s ‘Times They Are a-Changin’’ And honestly? Even though his methods are… unique, I’m glad of them, and I’d be lying if I was to say that I’m not starting to be able to spot my name on a list, even if I feel like a walking cosplay fan on his way to Woodstock when I read it.
And coming here fills my spare time with something other than thoughts of Maggie and what happened that night. Maybe my drunk ass fell over and that was that. All this time, I’ve been trying to blame someone else, when in fact, it’s probably my own fault, that and a shot of Sambuca.
I’d walked towards Flicks last week, desperate to see her, to talk to her. Every day I think of something I want to share. Hear her laugh as I acted out the bubble-wrap death march; see her smile.
My finger taps on the steering wheel are becoming relentless. I’ve resisted for about half an hour before I click on the podcast.
Thanks for joining us, listeners. Last time we ventured into the realm of premonition, but this week we’re going one step further: Are we hearing people’s thoughts without knowing it?
Sounds crazy. And sadly I haven’t suddenly found the ability to read minds like a superhero, but current studies are saying that the idea of hearing someone’s innermost thoughts is not just something for science fiction lovers, it might actually be possible.
I turn up the volume a fraction.
Let’s dig deeper into the facts, firstly with a very real piece of the brain called ‘mirror neurons’ the part of the brain that allows us to feel, or mirror, the responses of others at the same time as they do. Researchers have found that not only is ‘mirroring’ a reality, but that it’s more dominant in empathetic people. When they observe someone experiencing a deep moment of emotion, or are experiencing pain, these neurons spring to life as if they are experiencing it too.
I think of Maggie, the way she cares for Riz… the way she can almost sense when I need space and when I need to talk…
These clever little neurons are why we cringe when someone slams their fingers in a door, or why we feel so awkward that we blush when we watch someone in an embarrassing situation. Empathetic people in particular, often simulate the experience, kind of like eavesdropping on someone else’s lives.
I know, I know, you’re waiting to get to the nitty-gritty; so what if those lines become more tangible and it’s not only second-hand emotions those neurons are capable of? Here’s the kicker, folks – scientists now believe that these neurons might be able to actually simulate internal ideas or even modes of thought.
Stay tuned after this short advertisement.
I sigh in frustration and slip down a gear.
I know I should turn it off, but over the last week, I’ve found more and more ‘evidence’ of this ‘hearing thoughts’ thing. Have I shared this with Nell or my family? No. If I could see myself from the outside looking in, I’d be questioning who the hell this person is, who listens to podcasts about seeing the future and reading minds. But if there is even a tiny little thread of truth in what Maggie said, then I’m going to listen.
I exit at the next junction, and wait at the traffic lights.
Welcome back! Glad you’re still with me. To recap, we’re looking at how mirror neurons might be capable of more than simulating emotions when we take into account other somewhat unexplainable functions of the brain.
