Page 97 of The Truth About You and Me
My voice is trembling when the words come. ‘I’m in love with you, Maggie. And I don’t know what that means for us and our future together but I do know that you’re everything I need.’
‘I love you too…’
I should be filled with joy at those words, but her words are in opposition to the way she is shaking her head, the tears in her eyes. ‘But I’m taking youawayfrom what you need.’
Without warning, without me having the chance to move my hand away, Mum’s words ring in my ears:might you be rushing into a relationship that takes you away rather than immerses you?I try to rein my thoughts in, try to push away all the doubt, the worries I’ve had about how we can have a relationship, but they come crashing through my mind, uncontrolled. Unfiltered.
I start to count, to regain control. One, two…
Three seconds.
And I’m there again, the man back in the hospital bed, clutching onto the rails for life support as she pulls herself and her hand away.
And I know I’ve already lost her.
Something like panic pulls at the pit of my stomach.
It takes me a moment to centre.
‘We belong together, Maggie.’
‘Not if it means giving up on the life you want.’
‘Look.’ I scrape my hand through my hair, trying to regulate my thoughts. ‘I know that this is hard for you and I’m scared too… It’s natural for us both to have doubts about how this will work?—’
‘I know.’
‘Then you know that I want to work through all of this. We can take things slower; I’ll make sure’ – I gesture to our surroundings – ‘this never happens again.’
‘You can’t do that. I won’t take you away from a family that loves you, that you love and belong to… You’re scared, Jack.’
‘Isn’t everyone a little scared when they start to fall in love?’
‘No, Jack. I mean…’
She lifts her chin, a sad smile in place. ‘You’re scared that they’re right.’
I’m speechless. She’s wrong. I try to replay everything I was feeling as I told her I loved her.
‘That’s… No. Let me…’ I hold out my hand. ‘I’ll show you.’
She wraps her arms around herself. ‘You already did.’
While her voice is soft, her words are final. Like the closing lines of a novel.
‘Let’s take a minute. Let me explain?’
But she shakes her head, straightens, and I can feel her pulling away from me. From us.
‘I need to tell you something, Jack. But before I do, I want you to know that my time with you has been the happiest of my life. I…’ Her voice is shaking. It’s the same expression, the same tone, as the night she walked away. I’m not going to make the same mistake as I did last time. This time, I’m not going to let her go.
‘I know this has been hard for you, so tell me; tell me how I can make it easier? We can be together; we just need to work out how.’
‘You never said Fleetwood Road,’ she begins. I’m disorientated, confused at the change of direction this conversation is taking. ‘That’s the way I go home. It avoids all the main streets.’
‘Fleetwood Road? I…’
There is an echo of a memory, but whenever I tried to recall that night, all I remembered was being outside the pub. I was so certain that’s where it all happened.
