Page 23 of The Slipper Scandal
"You did it on purpose?" Arabella gasped, nearly dropping a biscuit before recovering. "Lizzy!"
"Not entirely," Elizabeth clarified hastily. "At least, not initially.” She sighed. This was not simple to explain in a way that others would believe. She could hardly believe it herself. “The first mishap was entirely accidental."
"Firstmishap?" Mrs. Abernathy repeated, aghast. "You mean to say there was more than one?"
Elizabeth felt a flush rising to her cheeks but maintained her composure. "I believe I shall require more tea to relate this story."
Arabella eagerly refilled her cup, then settled back into her chair, waiting for Elizabeth to begin. Mrs. Abernathy regarded her daughter with a mixture of curiosity and fond exasperation, the look of a woman who knew them both very well and was therefore unsurprised by almost anything they might admit to having done.
“You must both keep this to yourselves, of course.”
The women assured her that they would, and Elizabeth set her cup down with care. "It began when I turned rather suddenly during our conversation and startled poor Simms as he was filling Mr. Darcy's wine glass. A small amount, the merest splash, really, landed on Mr. Darcy's trousers. In a most . . ." She paused. “Unfortunate place.”
"Ah," Mrs. Abernathy murmured.
Arabella's eyes widened. "Do you mean—"
"Precisely," Elizabeth confirmed. "Mr. Darcy was horrified. He seemed convinced that the gentlemen would notice and draw certain unflattering conclusions."
"Men do tend to notice and remark upon such things," Mrs. Abernathy observed drily. "They find them endlessly amusing, for reasons I have never comprehended."
The door to the morning room opened to admit Mr. Abernathy, who had a folded newspaper under one arm. "Are we discussing the Great Fish Calamity? I should hate to miss thetelling.” He frowned. “Or . . . perhaps it should be 'The Trout and About'? Because the fish was certainly about Darcy's person. Or 'The Fish Out of Water'? No . . ."
Elizabeth found herself torn between mortification and reluctant amusement. There was something almost endearing about Mr. Abernathy's determination to immortalise her crowning moment of disgrace.
"Oh! I have it!" He snapped his fingers triumphantly. "'The Trout Swims a Lap'! Do you understand, Mrs. Abernathy? Because it landed in Darcy'slap!"
Mrs. Abernathy closed her eyes briefly, as though praying for patience. "My dear—"
"No, no, that is still not quite right," Mr. Abernathy mused as he set the newspaper on the table and wandered over to where the food was set out. As he began to fill his plate, entirely oblivious to his wife's exasperation and his daughter's barely restrained giggles, he offered, "What about 'The Scales of Justice'? For surely the fish exacted some manner of revenge for its untimely demise!"
Despite her embarrassment, Elizabeth felt one corner of her mouth twitch. "I am not certain Mr. Darcy had any hand in the fish's execution, sir."
"An innocent party then," Mr. Abernathy agreed solemnly, piling his plate high with eggs, bacon, and toast. "All the more tragic. Perhaps 'The Béchamel Baptism'?” He paused. “No, too religious in tone."
"Father, please," Arabella said, though her plea was somewhat undermined by the laughter in her voice. "You are making Lizzy uncomfortable."
Elizabeth, whose cheeks were indeed rather warm, picked up her cup again. "Not at all," she replied, summoning a smile. "I find his creativity quite impressive. Though I believe the event hardly merits its own title."
"You are too modest, Lizzy," Mr. Abernathy declared. "It was a masterpiece of social theatre, and I am determined to give it a name worthy of its impact. 'The Fish That Flew'? 'The Trout Trajectory'? No—"
Mrs. Abernathy sighed audibly. "Mr. Abernathy, I believe the eggs require your attention. You do not like them cold."
"Just one more attempt, my dear," he pleaded, before turning back to Elizabeth with undimmed enthusiasm. "'Trout and Consequences'! Ha!”
“Or ‘A Fish-ous Attack’?” Elizabeth offered.
“Elizabeth, I beg you, do not bait him.” Mrs. Abernathy closed her eyes when she realized what she had said.
“You are quite right, Mamma,” Arabella added with a small snort. “Papa is just fishing for trouble.”
Mrs. Abernathy emitted a soft sigh, and her husband sat in the chair next to her with a boyish smile.
"You are just in time, Papa," Arabella assured him. "Lizzy has revealed that there were two incidents. The initial one was merely a wine stain, but it was located in a most distressing location."
"I see." Mr. Abernathy settled himself in the chair next to his wife. "That would explain Darcy's expression. I thought the man might expire from mortification." He gave Elizabeth a sly glance. "But how does one progress from an errant bit of wine to an entire fillet of trout?"
"That," Elizabeth admitted, "was a more calculated decision."
