Page 82 of Secret Nights and Northern Lights
“Apparently that’s part of the problem.” Jacklyn slides off the arm of the sofa, down to the cushion next to my feet. “With subscribership down,Calneeded a home run in order to keep his job. That’s why he was so adamant about bringing on a big name like…”
Ben.
The instant his image forms in my mind, my stomach seizes.
“Anyway,” Jacklyn continues, blowing past her faux pas, “turns out Cal’s job had been on the line for some time. Now with you quitting, he has no cover story for the December issue, no backup plan, and no…”
“You can say his name, J.”
She shakes her head. “Nope. Not necessary.”
“So, wait.” I piece together what she’s telling me. “SinceIquit, Calvin doesn’t have a cover story. Or Ben’s photos. And because of that, he got fired?”
“Well, I think there were a lot of other contributing factors, but that was the final straw. Can you believe it?”
“That doesn’t make sense though,” I process aloud. “Why wouldn’t he put out my article whether he believed in it or not? Wouldn’t that have been better than this?”
She shrugs. “Maybe he’s just another mediocre white man who assumed he was untouchable. It sounds like the CEO had been putting pressure on him to modernize the print division for some time. But good oleCaladamantly refused.”
I shouldn’t be this interested. I don’t work there anymore. And yet…“What does this mean for the magazine?”
Jacklyn smiles in the way that tells me I’ve asked a question she can’t wait to answer. “It means there’s going to be a lot of change. More of a social media presence, which we should have had years ago but Calvin thought that would ruin the prestige ofAround the Globe’s name. Also, there’s a new president taking Calvin’s place, and I think she’ll be fantastic.”
“She?”Around the Globehas always felt like a boys’ club.
“Suki!” Jacklyn’s practically beaming now. “Suki’s taking over as president. It was announced in an emergency staff meeting this afternoon.”
I get why Jacklyn’s enthused; Suki would be amazing to work for. She’s confident, professional, doesn’t put up with bullshit from anyone, and she’s done the actual job and knows what it takes. Also, she’s never once asked me to pick up a get-well-soon card or plan someone’s baby shower. “That’s really great for you, J. I’m glad things are turning around there.”
Her brows pinch together in bewilderment as if I’m missing some vital piece of the puzzle. “You know what this means, though, right?”
“That you’ll get to work for a kickass boss?”
“Yes, that. But also…” She pauses for dramatic effect. “You could come back.”
“Ha!” I bark. “I couldn’t go back after the way I left.”Could I?
Jacklyn doesn’t miss a beat. “Of course you could! They still need a story for the December cover, and Suki always liked you. More important, she recognizes good writing. I think you should call her on Monday.”
My fingertips begin to tingle, my heart rate kicking up a notch. This is the first time in weeks I’ve felt anything other than hurt, so it takes a moment to recognize the feeling ashope.
I know what I need to do.
“I have to get to work,” I say, more to myself than Jacklyn. “If I’m going to ask Suki for my job back, I need to have this article ready for her. And it’s got to be the best goddamn thing I’ve ever written.”
“There she is.” Jacklyn smiles proudly. “Welcome back.”
* * *
I spend the weekend at my laptop, alternating between staring at the blank white screen and typing furiously, only to delete everything moments later. I’d be lying if I denied that Calvin’s harsh rebuke of my outline—like it’d be better suited for my old middle school’s quarterly newsletter as opposed to his prestigious publication—didn’t take a chunk out of my confidence. He may be an ass, but he didn’t get to where he is (or was, I suppose) without having some idea of what he was doing. So I debate my approach to the article over and over again, getting nothing accomplished in the process.
Well, that’s a lie. I accomplish one thing: staying distracted from Ben’s text messages that have poured in over the past weeks. The gist: he’s sorry he didn’t tell me the truth, and he loves me. Idon’t doubt either of those things, and if it were as simple as him keeping some random information from me, I could probably get over it.
What I can’t get over is the humiliation his actions caused me. Ben used to be my safety and my comfort and the person who knew me best in the world. I don’t know how to reconcile the fact heknewfrom reading my articles that my career was nowhere close to where I pretended it was, that I hadn’t traveled the world like I always dreamed of. He knew those things, and he used them to his advantage to step in and arrange this trip, dangling everything I’ve ever wanted in front of my eyes, but knowing the whole time that it was all because of him. Because he is the one with the award-winning career. He is the one living my dream, just in a slightly different way. He’s the one who went out there and created the successful life for himself that I haven’t been able to.
Yet the question that haunts me most during the dark, sleepless nights: Am I really that angry with him, or am I jealous?
No one forced me to stay atAround the Globefor as long as I did. No one made me be the people-pleasing,No Worries!party-planner I allowed myself to become. In my life, I’m surrounded by go-getters who demand attention and go after what they want. What theydeserve. My father, Marcus and Mason, Jacklyn, and now…Ben.
