Page 45 of It Takes Two to Tumble
“What? My God. Are you all right?”
“Yes,” Ben lied. He almost always told the truth, but there wasn’t even a truth to be told right now, standing in the arms of the man he loved, in the kitchen of a house he’d soon leave, the sounds of a summer day whispering outside the windows.
“Why the devil didn’t you tell me any of this? I thought you knew you could talk to me about anything. Instead you left me that blasted note.”
“The resignation is... hard to explain.” He didn’t want to tell Hartley’s secrets. “As for Alice, I couldn’t marry her after what happened with us.”
“Why not?”
“I told you.” Ben felt his face flush. Words that were easy to say while naked and sated with one’s lover were rather harder to articulate fully dressed in the vicarage kitchen. “I couldn’t say the marriage vows. Not after what we did.”
“What we did.” Phillip’s voice was faint, incredulous even. He held Ben’s chin so he couldn’t look away.
“I don’t know if I can explain.”
“Try. For me?” Phillip whispered.
“Until we were together, I hadn’t really understood what it meant to love a person, to worship someone with your body,” Ben said. “That’s what you have to swear to do in the marriage vows, and I can’t make that promise.”
“Is that what happened between us?” Phillip’s voice wasn’t skeptical, only curious, but Ben felt put on the spot, called to explain something he didn’t quite understand.
“I’m fairly sure that’s what I was doing, but I can only speak for myself. All I meant was that it meant something to me to be with you. And—” he took a deep breath “—I know I mean something to you, and I felt that when we were together.”
The next thing he knew he was pushed up against the kitchen wall and being kissed within an inch of his life.
“How long do we have?” Ben asked, only lifting his mouth from Phillip’s enough to speak.
“I’ll be missed if I don’t return for dinner,” Phillip said before kissing the spot below Ben’s ear.
Phillip needed to be leaving soon, then. Ben stepped back and straightened his collar, waited for his breathing to return to normal.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do after you leave St. Aelred’s? Would you consider staying at the hall as the children’s tutor? I know it would be a step down in the world for you, and I’m not a rich man, but I could pay you a fair salary.”
“I wish I could.” He couldn’t stay at Barton Hall as the recipient of Phillip’s charity while Phillip was far away. He didn’t hate himself enough to embrace that fate. “But it’s out of the question.”
Phillip knew he could spend the rest of his life memorizing the ways Ben responded to his touch, charting the way his strong frame went supple when Phillip pushed close. Now, pressed against the wall, he seemed to almost melt against Phillip’s body.
“Come back to the hall with me,” Phillip murmured into Ben’s ear. “Even if it’s just for dinner.” He’d take whatever hours and minutes he could get.
“I can’t,” Ben said. “I need to write this week’s sermon. It’ll be my last.”
“The children miss you.” Phillip was not above this naked attempt at manipulation. He felt as much as heard Ben’s answering laughter.
“They’d have to go without seeing me to actually miss me. Jamie was here at first light today, knocking on the kitchen door to beg sweet buns off Mrs. Winston.”
“Did she give them any?” A fortnight ago, Phillip would have been outraged at the idea of his children roaming the village unattended and unauthorized. Now he was amused and rather touched that his children felt happy and welcomed everywhere they went.
“Of course she did. He acted like he had never been fed before in his life. And he took two back for Peggy.”
“They’ll miss you if you leave Kirkby Barton.”
Ben was silent for a moment. “That’s a low blow.”
“I know.” He would use every unsporting trick if it kept Ben near. “Stay at the hall.”
“I can’t be there without you. It would break my heart, Phillip.”
“I’d like to know that you were there.” Oh God, it would be such a relief to imagine all the people he cared about safe under one roof.
