Page 36 of We Could Be So Good
“I need you to come with me.”
Understanding dawns and a thundercloud passes over Nick’s face. “Did something happen?” He turns to the stranger and makes an excuse, then walks with Andy toward the door before even waiting for a reply. “Did someone bother you?”
“No! God, no, nothing like that.”
They’re outside now. The temperature dropped while they were in the bar and now it feels like the dregs of winter.
“Care to tell me what the fuck just happened, then?” Nick asks. They aren’t walking, just standing outside the bar, as if Nick thinks he might be going back inside.
“I didn’t think it was safe.” This isn’t a lie, exactly. He’s simply choosing not to mention the hot seep of jealousy that swept over him as he watched Nick and the other man.
Nick stares at him, and it occurs to Andy too late that Nick knows him too well to be taken in by a half truth. Nick knows he’s prevaricating, but he doesn’t need to know exactly what Andy’s not saying.
Nick sets his jaw and looks away. Andy has seen Nick get angry before, but never at him. He doesn’t like it one bit.
“It was your idea! This was your idea.” Nick takes Andy’s arm in a grip that isn’t hard, but isn’t messing around, either, and leads him away from any foot traffic, toward the doorway of a store that’s closed for the night. “I didn’t want to be here, but you wanted a field trip and I figured sure, why the fuck not. But you can’t spend half an hour around f—”
“Don’t say it!”
Nick stares at him.
“Don’t say that word,” Andy says, horrified that Nick has misunderstood him in this way.
“I don’t understand you. I’m not even sure I want to understand you.”
“If you think I have any trouble spending time with gay men, you haven’t been paying the slightest bit of attention,” Andy says. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Do you think I want to get hurt? Or arrested? Or publicly humiliated? Do you think I want any of that? Do you really think you get to decide what kinds of risks I take?” He throws his cigarette to the sidewalk and grinds it under his shoe. “I repeat,this was your idea.”
Andy swallows hard and scrambles to find a way to salvage the situation, and decides that the only way out is with absolute honesty. This is jumping in with both feet, reaching toward something he wants.
“I could do it.”
“What?” Nick lights another cigarette, swears, and hands it to Andy before lighting another one for himself.
It’s not too late to backtrack, but the truth is gnawing its way out. Hewantsto tell Nick. All week, since admitting it to himself, he’s wanted to tell Nick, because not saying it feels like it’s taking far more of an effort than it ought to. Why shouldn’t he tell his queer friend that he’s also queer? The more he thinks about it, the weirder it seemsnotto say anything.
And, yeah, he has an ulterior motive, which is that he’s hoping that Nick will want to— He can’t finish the sentence, not even in his head, but his thoughts supply a series of images: Nick’s hands on him, Nick’s mouth on his, Andy’s fingers in Nick’s hair. But thatwould be good for both of them, right? It could be—nice, maybe. It would be nicer than whatever goes on in restrooms. Safer, too.
“I could...” Christ. The fact that he still can’t think of how to end that sentence can’t be a good sign. “I could take care of you,” he says, the words coming out in one crazy rush.
“What?” Nick’s eyes are wide and his voice is hoarse.
“I could—if you wanted—”
“No,” Nick says, looking horror-stricken. “Absolutely not. Have you lost your mind, Andy?”
Well, probably, but he doesn’t think now is the time to say so. “It’s an offer,” he says, trying to get closer to honesty, nearer to the admission that hewantsNick. The words are right there, but he can’t make himself say them.
“I can’t deal with this—whatever this is—right now. I’m going for a walk.” Nick turns on his heel.
“Wait.”
Nick halts and looks over his shoulder.
“I want to. I mean. I... want to. In the way that anyone wants these things.” And that probably would sound a hell of a lot better if he weren’t such a prude, but at least it gets the point across.
Nick laughs, though, so maybe it hadn’t. “You don’t know what you want.”
