Page 96 of Beyond Protection
"She died." Mac's voice turned gentle. "Your client. Three years ago. We all know that now. She died, and you blame yourself, and now you're terrified that caring about me will compromise your judgment the same way."
I fought for a breath.
Mac asked, "Am I wrong?"
"No," I said. "You're not wrong."
He moved closer. Stopped three feet away.
"I can't do this," he said quietly. "Can't have you close enough to kiss me and far enough that you won't talk to me over breakfast. I need you to decide, Eamon. All in or all out. Not thismiddle distance where I don't know which version of you I'm getting."
"I'm trying to keep you alive." The protest sounded weak even to me.
"I know." He reached up and placed his palm against my jaw. "But I need you to keep me alive as someone who wants to be alive, and who has something to look forward to. Merely breathing isn't living."
I covered his hand with mine.
"How do I do it? Keep you safe and be… close."
"Be yourself and do both." His eyes held mine. "I'm not asking you to stop being scared. I'm asking you to stop using fear as an excuse to shut me out."
He saw right through.
"I didn't know what to do this morning," I admitted.
"You could've said good morning, and touched me—hand on the back, kiss on the cheek. Could've stood beside me. Could've done anything except throw up a wall and take notes like I'm just a job."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you? Or just sorry I noticed?"
Fair question. Devastating.
"Both," I said finally. "I'm sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry I keep hurting you while telling myself it's for your own good."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"That's honest." He moved back to the bed and sat. "More honest than downstairs."
I sat beside him. The bed dipped, and our shoulders touched.
"I can't lose you," I said. "If she gets to you because I missed something. If I fail you the way I failed Kyra—"
"Stop." He reached out for my hand. "You're not going to fail me."
"You can't know that."
"No, but I can choose to believe caring about me makes you more effective, not less. You give a damn whether I make it through this. You have something much worse to lose than just a client."
I looked at our joined hands. "Ma said something similar."
He smiled. "Ma's usually right." He leaned into me. "Annoying how often she's right."
I nearly smiled back.
My phone buzzed.
