Page 59 of Take It Till You Make It
A loud, high-pitched squeal erupts over the phone, filling my car and making me cringe and duck.
“I knew you guys were going to date. I just knew it. You thought I was crazy.”
“I know. I was wrong. You were right. But it’s only one date. We might not actually click. It still seems really wrong.”
“What seems wrong?”
“I can’t picture anything developing between Crispin and me. We don’t have anything in common. Our lifestyles are totally different. There’s the age difference.
I swear I hear her eyes roll in her head.
“Get over the dang age difference, Ari. Four years isn’t a big deal.”
“When one of the people is a minor, it is.”
“Oh, so you can tell he just wants to seduce you. Steal your innocence.”
I groan. “Do I have any innocence left? And no! I don’t get any impression that he just wants a conquest. But that doesn’t mean…”
“You are days away from turning eighteen and being declared an official adult. What is the big deal? Attack that man with your mouth. If you don’t, I will.”
“Um…ew. And it isn’t just the age difference. Even if he doesn’t make a move on me until I’m legal, I still can’t imagine us together. It gives me a… Oh, I don’t even know. The feeling is like, ick and ew and whaaaa? All at the same time.”
“Ari, this is about your dad, isn’t it?”
“What? No. How could that even be?”
“Because I know you, you feel guilty about the potential of enjoying something when he can’t. You don’t like the idea of moving on without him. You don’t want to take the chance that any relationship you have won’t be as good as your parents. You don’t want to rub a new relationship in your mom’s face while she continues to grieve.”
I suck in a breath and realize tears are streaming down my cheeks. My breath hitches over a sob.
“Oh, Ari, honey. Don’t do this to yourself. Your big, happy, fun-loving, jolly dad would absolutely want you to be in a relationship. And I’m guessing your mom would too.”
“She really seems to like him,” I say, though Glory might not understand me since it’s all hiccuppy. “Though she might just be stunned by his beauty.”
“I bet she is.” Glory chuckles but then sobers. “Ari, seriously. Is that what you’re doing right now? Holding back out of guilt?”
I’m nodding, but it’s hard to say yes aloud. Like when I admit to her that I have been self-sabotaging, I’ll have to stop and then…what? Jump feet first into dating Crispin Moore? Is that what I want?
“Ari? You know I can’t see you right?”
I laugh and sob at the same time. “You know me so well.”
“Girl, I know you better than you know yourself.”
I nod again. She really does. With a sigh, I finally give in. “You’re right. I’ve built a wall around me. It’s a stack of guilt and grief and confusion and memories. And as long as I’m staring at them, I’ll never be able to proceed past them. How can I have moved us across the country, yet still managed to hobble myself?”
“I don’t know hon. I think the movie is a way to still feel connected to your dad without it being as painful as the original podcast. And because of it, it was easy to put the rest of your life on hold.”
I wave to the guard as I pull through the gate. Concern crosses his face when he sees I’m crying. I give him a thumbs up. I pull into a parking space that faces the side of a building and throw my car into park. “But how do I move forward? I can’t even imagine it. Me dating. Me graduating. Me getting married. None of that can happen without Dad.” I picture myself walking down the aisle dressed in white. Alone because I don’t have Dad by my side. My sobs are so strong it hurts to draw breath. I stare at the dirty concrete wall but imagine me accepting a diploma and looking into the audience and only seeing the blank spot where Dad should be.
“Oh, Ari.” Glory’s voice is gentle and sad. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Ari.”
“I’ve been…” my voice hitches, and I suck in a breath. “I’ve been avoiding thinking about my future. Whenever the thought starts, I become terrified. Glory, I can’t do this without him. I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.” Glory’s soft declaration fills the empty space in my car and in my chest. “You just don’t want to. And that is understandable. But, Ari, you know you have to move forward. You have to start creating a life for yourself, not for your father’s memory.”
“But what if I forget about him?” I bury my face in my hands and let my sobs take over. Whispering, I say, “What if he thinks I’m forgetting him?”
