Page 104 of Haven't Killed in Years
I yanked my hand back as I turned to see her walking from the park.
“What are you doing? Get away from him!” she yelled.
I wasn’t looking to get in a street fight, so I turned and ran back to my car, this time trying my best to stay out of the light.
I sped away, feeling pretty stupid. I had tried to channel every feeling of guilt and anger I had toward the universe into finding Declan, a guy I hadn’t seen or thought about in years, the only bad guy I could put right in front of my face, and it had really backfired.
This concept of seeking out a single person who’d wronged you in the past, exacting revenge, and finding closure was nice on paper but completely unrealistic. I hoped in the moments before he died, as Abel strangled the life out of him, Cody realized he’d gained nothing from it either.
On my long drive home, I received a text from Dominic. Barbara had died. I had only met her once, the night I terrified the crap out of her, but it was comforting that he thought I was someone worthtelling. It was a reminder that I wasn’t so alone anymore. And for the first time in a long time, that wasn’t a bad thing.
The wake was about an hour north of the city. The parking lot was full, but not so much that I couldn’t find a spot. People were going in and out; I didn’t recognize them and probably never would. I was hesitant to go inside. I didn’t want to walk in alone.
At that moment, I saw Kevin get out of his car and it seemed like a sign. I jumped out of my car and hustled to cross his path.
“Kevin,” I said once I was close enough to get his attention.
“Hey, Gwen.” He called me Gwen and I liked it. Did I have to be Marin now? No, I could be Gwen. I was Gwen.
“It’s good to see you again. C’mon,” he said, guiding me toward the entrance.
“I’m late,” he whispered once we were inside, patting me on the back and leaving me to join the already formed receiving line next to Megan.
Jake should have been there, standing in line with Barbara’s litter of stepchildren. Two months ago and he would have been there, maybe in between Dominic and Megan. Were they in chronological order? They must have all loved her to be there, standing in formation to hug strangers.
When I got to Dominic, he was in assembly-line mode, releasing the previous hug and leaving his arms open to greet the next person—me.
“Hi,” he said, blinking out of robot mode. “I’m glad you came.” He enthusiastically threw his arms around me, and for a sick second I hoped people were noticing how much more important I was than them because of the intensity of the hug I received, as if somehow you could win a wake. Maybe it stemmed from my desire to belong somewhere. That seemed like a more respectable reason. I decided to go with that.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
He pulled back to look at me but left his hands on my shoulders. “How are you? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, stop.” I shook off his concern. “Areyouokay?”
“Yeah, we all knew it was coming.” I could tell it was just something he was reciting to people.
The lady behind me coughed and we turned to see the line was backing up.
“Will you wait?” he asked. “Wait for me outside? This part will be over in like twenty.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said. I squeezed his hand and moved on to smile and hug Megan, Kevin, and four more people who must have lived with Barbara and Dominic at some point.
I exited the funeral home and scanned the area for a place to sit. It reminded me of the day I’d waited for Dominic outside Edgar Valley. That had really been the beginning of it all. Well, I guess getting the arm was the beginning, but that day at Edgar Valley was the beginning of everything that mattered.
A tuft of bleach-blond hair bounced across the parking lot, and when Porter noticed me, a grin exploded on his face and he started to run. He picked me up off the ground, shaking me in his arms, kissing me a million times on the cheek.
“Porter!” I yelled through my own smile. “It’s a wake.”
He put me down and allowed for a moment of solemn silence to acknowledge my point before taking my hand and dragging me to sit on a bench along the sidewalk. Once we were no longer technically on funeral home property, he bubbled up again.
“What the heck?” he said. “Where have you been?”
“I just needed some time.”
“You’re over that though, right?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “I think so.”
