Page 59 of Happy Harbor
Josie smiled. “Sometimes, when I was a kid, she’d used them in my pancakes too.”
“She was an exceptional mother. She was the kind they write about in sappy novels.”
“Yes, she was.”
Diane’s face fell a bit. “I should’ve been there for you, Josie.”
“Let’s not do this right now.”
“I need to say it. Please.”
“Okay,” Josie said, leaning against the counter.
“I don’t know when I became an alcoholic. I started drinking when I was about thirteen years old, but I didn’t think it was a problem until you were born, honestly.”
“Thirteen? Did Nana know?”
“Eventually.”
“Why did you start drinking that young?”
“I had so many reasons, but something happened to me when I was around that age.”
Josie had never heard that before. “What happened?”
“I don’t like to talk about it, but suffice it to say that I had a best friend whose house I would stay at sometimes. She had an uncle come to stay once...” Her voice trailed off.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“That’s when it started. I never told anyone. Nana never knew. She just thought I was a rebellious kid.”
“You never told her? Ever?”
“Nope. I knew she’d blame herself for allowing me to sleep over there, and it wasn’t her fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault either.”
“I felt so guilty that it happened. I felt dirty and unlovable. Later, I felt responsible for any other kids he did it to because I was too scared to tell.”
“You were a kid. You weren’t responsible for that.”
“He died about eight years ago. I saw the obituary in the paper. I just remember feeling so sick thinking about how many other girls he...” Her voice broke, and Josie didn’t know what to do. Instinctively, she reached across the counter and held her hand.
“I’m so sorry.”
“That night when I saw the paper, I went on one of the worst benders of my life. I just couldn’t bring myself to think about all of it. I ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning that time. It was one of the last times I was truly drunk.” She wiped her eyes and continued. “I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me, Josie. I want you to know that I didn’t just decide to start drinking so I could ruin your childhood. Even though there were reasons, that still doesn’t excuse my behavior or me not getting it together once I knew I was having a baby.”
“So you were already drinking when you got pregnant? Did you drink while you were pregnant with me?”
“No. Absolutely not. I was a good mother at the very beginning.”
“I’m glad you told me the story, but there’s nothing we can do to change the past between us. You know there was a lot that happened.”
She nodded. “I do. And I also know you have no reason to trust me. I get it. All I can do now is show you who I am today and maybe remind you that we had some wonderful memories when I was sober for short bursts of time.”
“What do you remember?” Josie asked, taking a sip of her tea.
“I remember when you were about four years old, and I took you to see my friend’s horses. You held out your hand with a piece of carrot in it, and the horse bit your little finger. It wasn’t funny at the time, but it’s kind of funny now.”
