Page 32 of Holly Jolly Heresy
He loved this little bubble they were in, but it was littered with landmines. How was he meant to navigate this in between where they kissed and touched and acted like a couple and also keep himself from wanting all the things he’d vowed never to have? When they returned to Aster Bay in the morning, he would go back to being a priest and she would go back to being the schoolteacher he couldn’t stop thinking about. He’d always known that was the only way this could end, so why did the reminder sour in his stomach?
Molly leaned forward and cupped his jaw with her palm. “I’m sorry. It was a stupid joke.”
“Except it’s not a joke. I’m not your fiancé. I’m not your anything.”
Determination sparked in her eyes and she scratched lightly at his stubble with her nails. “Right now, you are. Here, you are.”
His hand curled around her ankle, his thumb gliding over her skin in slow strokes. Here and now. That’s all they had promised to each other, all he could offer, a brief intermission from real life. He’d spend the rest of his days trying to learn how to atone for a sin he couldn’t regret. They hadn’t taught him what kind of penance to assign for that during his formation.
“How aboutElf?” she asked. “No brothers involved.”
He nodded, allowing her to navigate the conversation back to safer territory. As she selected the movie he tugged her against his side, tucking her head beneath his chin. “I’m pretty sure there’s a brother inElf.”
“Half-brother. And he’s a child. Doesn’t count.”
His lips brushed against her hair, and he breathed in her scent. “You have a lot of rules for Christmas movies.”
“Shhh. It’s starting.”
She snuggled against his chest. If he hadn’t known such a thing was biologically impossible, he would have sworn his heart grew three sizes, just like the Grinch she’d once claimed to be. He hardly watched the movie, reveling in the weight of her curled against him, legs draped over his lap, hands and face on his chest, the tips of her middle and index fingers slipping through the holes between the buttons on his shirt. He wanted her there always, warm and sleepy, a tangle of limbs.
He kissed her forehead and she tilted her chin up to him, a small, secret smile on her lips. A smile just for him. She pressed that smile against his mouth, a quick brush of lips before she turned back to the movie, as he struggled to place the emotion suffusing every part of him.
Happiness, yes, but not only that. Or maybe it was more about what hewasn’tfeeling—doubt, shame. Somehow their absence was so much louder than the emotions themselves had been when they howled in his chest. Because how could he doubt he was meant to hold this woman? How could he be ashamed of caring for her, of—
Careful, Caleb.
It took Molly exactly thirty-seven minutes to fall asleep curled up in his lap, her cheek resting against his heart. Thirty-seven minutes for him to picture what life could be like—the little condo they would rent near his brother’s house in Aster Bay so they could be close to family and friends, the evening walks through town to get ice cream, the way he’d hold her hand as they strolled the farmers’ market. Falling asleep in her arms, reaching for her in the night, making love to her for the rest of his days. Her belly growing round with his child, the family they could build…
She nuzzled closer, rubbing her cheek and nose against his chest like a contented kitten. They’d both need new jobs. He would never be welcome in a Catholic church again and she wouldn’t be able to keep working at St. Anthony’s, not after having an affair with a disgraced priest. Then there were the townspeople—his parishioners, most likely—who would talk...
But you’d have her.
In his pocket, his phone dinged and he moved to retrieve it without jostling her too much. The dings continued rapid fire, as his brother and their friends shot off message after message in the group chat.
Gavin:How’re you guys holding up? Haven’t heard from you in a while.
Jamie:They’re fine. It's just Maine.
Gavin:They’re snowed in!
Baz:In a massive cabin.
Ethan:Jo told Hannah she heard from Molly this morning.
Gavin:Send proof of life!
He grinned to himself and held out his phone, angling the camera carefully to make sure none of Molly’s hair was in the frame, the tips of her fingers just beyond the edge of the image. He snapped a shot and sent it back.
Caleb:We're fine. Watching Christmas movies. Hopefully we’ll be headed home tomorrow.
Baz:Where’s your collar?
Shit.He traced the space at the base of his throat where his clerical collar usually sat, but his fingers only met bare skin. How could he have been so careless to forget he wasn’t wearing it before he sent that picture?
Ethan:You won’t even take that thing off for family dinner, but you take it off to watch a movie?
Caleb:It’s not a big deal. I’m allowed to take it off.
