Page 49 of The Perfect Verse
She looked over at Kaleela, watching her and Travis as they cleared the table and placed dirty dishes into the dishwasher. They had something quick, tacos. The boys wanted it, and, instantly, tears crowded her eyes. She hadn’t been able to breathe since she overheard Sashay talking to and about Donovan in the Mexican restaurant.
“I am.”
It was almost a whisper. She hoped they were, as they spent time mostly ignoring the elephant in the room. It was hard, but needed, since they were both present and very inquisitive. Although her heart still ached, having them to distract her was a gift she never expected, especially where her ex was concerned.
“How come we just meeting you?” Travis asked with slitted eyes. “We try to give her her ‘me’ time. That’s what Auntie Shona says she needs, but when we are with her, she makes us work. Doesn’t that mean we need some ‘me’ time too if all she’s doing is watching us?”
“You get ‘me’ time each time you enjoy the comfort of your bedroom, all your toys, and unlimited free snacks my money pays for?”
“That doesn’t sound like ‘me’ time?” Travis mumbled while Rell snickered.
“Let me call Shona and—” He quickly dashed in her direction and wrapped his arms around her. “Un huh. That’s what I thought.”
Rell yawned. He’d been trying to stay up, hoping he didn’t miss the fun. They’d play Connect Four, Chutes and Ladders, and Sorry. Chaney grew emotional as she played, remembering when she, Kaleela, and Reagan would sit around and play board games and cards. By the third win on Connect Four, she couldn’t wait to get in on the other games as they all pouted and whined, even Kaleela.
“Mama Kaleela, I love you, but I’m going to bed.” Travis hopped on the chair next to Chaney like they were on a Netflix and Chill date until Kaleela cleared her throat.
“Fine,” he muttered.
“I love you, too,” Rell spoke, squeezing in between them.
“I love both of y’all.” She tapped each cheek and grinned before they kissed her on each side. “I’ll be there in a few to tuck you in, but go brush your teeth.”
Off they went. She smiled as they dragged their feet, and she watched them until she couldn’t see them anymore. She knew before she made it to their room that, more than likely, sleep would have found them. When she sat back, there was Chaney, staring, a faint grin on her face. She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
“It’s getting late,” Kaleela offered. “And I need to sweep and mop.”
“I could help.” She stood, heading to the kitchen, when Kaleela called out her name. She stopped, but she didn’t turn around. “I don’t want to be alone,” she confessed.
Kaleela pushed out a snort. If Chaney thought she was there to wipe away her tears, tears she’d caused, she had another think coming. She cried for days, all day, to the point her days blended into nights. Escaping a prison sentence still didn’t make her feelfree, not even AA. Shawn made it better, but it was a daily battle. She’d be damned if she allowed her ex to detour her. The only solution in her eyes was to send Chaney on her damn way.
“Being alone is physical but mostly mental, Chaney. I ain’t sure what’s going on, and keeping it real, it’s not for me to know. Shit happens. It happened to us all the time. I apologize for the role I played. It may not be enough to right my wrongs, but it has to be enough because ain’t shit else coming.”
“What happened to us, to me?” she asked, turning around.
“I happened to us, and you let me. Never idolize a bitch on two feet.” She laughed, realizing she didn’t stand on two feet, but the message was the same. “I was fucked up, still fucked up in some ways. It’s a process when I wake up each day and still want to drink, but I know one thing. I haven’t picked up since the day I shot at Donovan.”
Chaney’s eyes misted, yet she quietly stood there.
“Hell, seeing you makes me want to drink. We did that shit a lot. You thought it was for fun, part of our usual routine, but I knew differently. It was to numb all the fucking pain I felt. I had these streets on lock, niggas bowing down at my name being mentioned before I entered rooms, and I still had no peace, Chaney. No fucking peace.”
“Even when you were with me?”
“Especially when I was with you. I did to you what bitches did to me as a child who just wanted to be loved,” she admitted. “I made you pay for their fucking sins because wanting to be loved got me sitting here, trying to figure out why I even let you in. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and I’m done beating myself up for not knowing how to love you correctly. I still can’t fucking love myself correctly, but for once in my life, I’m trying. I have to for me, and I have to for the person that’s trying to love me.”
Kaleela’s cellphone rang, probably the first time all evening. She blinked, her chest heaving as a lone tear hit her cheek. Itwasn’t until it stopped and rang again that she realized it was her cellphone that was ringing.
“Maybe you should get that. It’s kind of late. Could be an emergency.” Kaleela couldn’t imagine who would call her about an emergency unless it was her sister or about her sister. She sighed and headed to the living room, frowning. It was Shonasia.
“Yeah?” She cleared her throat. Her eyes stretched then grew into slits as Shonasia rattled off in her ear.
“Look, I should leave.” Chaney grew nervous when she saw Kaleela growing frustrated. Her forehead creased, her lips pursed.
“Okay, okay. I’m barely on that shit,” she replied to Shonasia, rubbing her forehead. “Probably some fucking groupie, Shona. I can’t deal for real.” The mention of a groupie caught Chaney’s attention. “I’ll look. Calm the hell down. Yeah, I know.”
Chaney couldn’t stand it, quickly taking a seat next to her when Kaleela disconnected the call. “What did she say?”
“Damn, nosy.” Kaleela may have pretended she wasn’t concerned. She was more than that. She was scared. She waved Chaney off, who sat on the edge of her seat. “Fuck. Here it is.”
