Page 5 of The Perfect Verse
“So violent.” She snickered, then tossed his pen back at him. “I was trying not to interrupt you in this big old, fancy office when you texted me to come. I know you have things to do after your already long day, but let me start by saying thank you, and I appreciate you.”
She dropped her head, full of emotion as her chest constricted. Saying “sorry” and “thank you” were new tools she tried to implement as often as she could, but she was determined to get herself together for her.
“No. Thank you. That was one hell of a group you ran out there today. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were trying to talk me into giving you a job here. I saw you using some of my approach, redirecting them when they got off topic or rambled on. I mean, you were still a bit rough on them, but some people need it rough.”
“Tell me about it,” she agreed. “And no, I wasn’t applying for a job. I got money, plenty of money.”
“Money but no solid plan that leads to you not picking up again.”
“Well, tell my ass how you really feel.”
She threw up one hand, immediately having an attitude. The truth hurt, though, and since Shawn was like some alcoholic whisperer, it didn’t surprise her when it seemed like he could hear her thoughts. Money was the least of her worries. She had plenty of that. What she didn’t have was what she knew she still craved–someone to love and them to love her back in a healthy way.
“I just did, so grab a pen. You have an assignment,” he directed, watching her purse her lips. She never liked school, but she was smart, sometimes too smart for her own good, and Shawn knew it.
“As for your group home and your resource center, I know both are due to your history with the system, but don’t discount your presence. Ever wonder why going by either one of them, getting involved, is something you struggle with?”
“Nope.”
To her, her presence meant nothing. She put in the best staff, signed all the checks, and kept people in her communityemployed while keeping children safe. They were both designed to fill gaps in services she wished were available to her and her sister. And while she loved The Crew, the gang that took her in, she wondered if they’d been better off not resorting to a life of crime.
“Can we move on?”
“We can, but you can’t run from it forever. Here.” He lifted a pen, then waved it in front of her face before she snatched it from his hand.
“More of these feelings shit,” she grumbled. “I just spent an hour sharing my feelings and listening to them share theirs, Shawn. Sometimes you just need to chill.”
“I will when you start doing the heavier work. Talk to me, Lee. Let me hear it.” He pushed several tissues into her hand when her eyes teared up. “I have all day. Nothing matters more than you and how you’re feeling.”
“I feel…” She kissed her teeth and threw the pen down. “Why the fuck do you need to know? All that should matter is that I haven’t picked up. I’m still fucking sober, Shawn.”
He sat back with crossed arms, allowing her to unleash her anger. It was a defense mechanism, one she used to push people away. Too bad for her, he wasn’t giving her space. She needed to rest in her frustration, feel it, and then do the work that would prove to give her years of sobriety.
“Yet, Lee. You mean you have not picked upyet.” He placed both arms on the desk, clasping his fingers and leaning forward.”Listen, I’m not the enemy. In fact, I’m your biggest cheerleader, but I also see where you could have a potential pitfall. Remember that five-year-old little girl I told you about? I had to face her, apologize, and as soon as I turned a profit here. I started a fund for her college tuition.” His eyes welled up, thinking about her. She was in high school, due to graduate in two years.
“That’s me not only making amends for some shit my parents caused; that’s me confronting why I left the Bloods. I had to, or the shit they had me involved in would have done more than lead me to addiction. It might have gotten me killed.”
“All of them ain’t bad, though,” she spoke, thinking of The Crew. She’d built lifetime bonds, even learned how to create generational, clean wealth from them.
“Not all, but when your mind is fucked up, you tend to gravitate to what attracts you. I can’t let that happen to you, so as your sponsor, I need you to go deeper. Get to the root cause of why you still desire to pick up. The answer ain’t your street cred and damn sure not your money,” he spoke, praying he was reaching her. “Although I ain’t opposed to you donating a few hundred thousand dollars to the rehab center,” he tossed in with a grin.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see what I can do.” She’d do that and more since she had plenty of money, and it was a write-off.
“The answer is, looking for whatever it is you’re running from and no longer being angry. Confront it, then beat it. Can you at least try?”
She nodded, dabbing her eyes, but she wasn’t so sure.
“You don’t have to do it alone. I’m with you. Remember that.”
“Fine, but this shit sucks, Shawn.”
“For now. I promise you that it gets easier. Like riding a bike. Once you learn how to ride with the training wheels off, having them on is aggravating as fuck. Let me be your training wheels. We all needed some at some point in our life.”
Bill, his sponsor, was his. They remained in communication, both fighting the good fight as they took on more sponsees who battled with tainted versions of themselves, numbed by drugs and alcohol.
“When does this ever become fun?” She laughed. “I confess this, I confess that. I pray about this, I pray about that. Then when I do more of this, then…”
She went on and on as he patiently waited for her to get it all out, regurgitating her journey that still had her stumped. When Shawn slid both hands behind his head and kicked his feet up, she immediately ceased talking.
