Page 37 of Hooked On Him
“You should call your boss back and tell them to find someone else. Because there’s a rugby game tomorrow. Sea Serpents against the Grizzly Bears. It’s one of their biggest rivals, and I know Austin would love to see you there while they kick their asses.”
“You don’t even know Austin. So how would you know that?” At least I don’t think she does?
“Okay, true, but any good boyfriend or girlfriend would want their partner there to cheer them on. Especially if it’s something important to him. Rugby is a big part of his life. And so are you now. What better way to show how much you care for him than by beingtherefor him? I don’t mean to be the bad guy, but if you're going to spend your relationship never actually seeing each other, then do you even have a relationship?”
Shit. She’s right. Well, kind of. We aren’t actually in a relationship, but thinking about Austin growing sick of our arrangement because we never hang out, and deciding he doesn’t want to do it anymore fills me with anxiety. I’m not ready to go back to a life without Austin in it.
I’m not sure if I’d ever want to go back to that life.
Honestly, the past few years without him sucked, and I’m only seeing just how much now that he’s back
“I don’t know.” My mood grows sour as an unease fills my stomach. “I’ll think about it.”
And I do. For the whole day.
All I can do is think about Austin. If he’s going to get sick of me—or the lack thereof, I should say.
Abby was right. What's the point of being in a relationship, fake or not, if we’re not actually doing anything?
We could get by with the relationship part, because that's only for show and tell in front of other people, not a big deal. But this friends with benefits thing hasn’t really had any benefits. Not that I’m the only one who hasn’t reached out for something sexual. Austin hasn’t called me up or texted me to come over. Maybe he doesn’t want the benefits part?
Oh god. Did I give him a shitty blowjob and now he never wants to touch me again, but he’s too nice of a person to let me down?
I really need to go home and get some sleep. I’m starting to sound like a crazy person.
I make sure all the animals are good before helping Abby and Mike shut down for the night.
I don’t check my phone until I walk into my apartment.
“Hey, baby.” I scoop up Snicklefritz and cuddle him to my chest as I toss my keys onto the counter and pull out my phone. I head into the kitchen to give Snicklefritz his late-night snack before going to bed, and take a moment to check my phone before I also call it a night.
Austin: Heeeey. I know you're at work, but I just wanted to say hi. Thanks for the coffee this morning. My treat tomorrow. Also, I have a game tomorrow. I don’t know if you're working or not, but I wanted to justthrow it out there. I would love it if you could come. But if you can’t, I understand.
Me: Hey. Of course. I always enjoy our morning coffees. My day was good. How was yours? As for the game, I don’t think I can make it. I have to work.
As soon as I send the text, I want to take it back. Guilt hits me. He asked me, he said he wanted me there. And I turned him down. I might not know anything about rugby, or even like the sport, but part of me wants to go, just to be there for Austin. We’re friends after all, and friends do that kind of thing, right? Go to their sporting events.
The dots on the message thread dance, and my stomach drops, waiting for him to respond.
Austin: Oh. Well, that sucks. But I understand. I hope one day you don’t work on one of my game days. Or maybe you can come by a practice if you don’t have any classes. My day was good, but it would have been better if I got to see you again. You know, if you need anything, you can text or message me. You won’t be inconveniencing me, I promise.
I stare at the message, not sure what to think.
So, I didn’t give him a bad blowjob and scare him off. He’s just been waiting for me... to want to do things?
Wait. What if he’s been wanting to do things but was afraid that he was coming on too strong? Fuck. Damn it. I’m so confused. I don’t know how to handle this.
It doesn’t feel right just slipping over to each other's place for a late-night booty call. It would make me feel weird and dirty. Maybe this friends-with-benefits thing isn’t the right option for us after all.
Or maybe I just need to stop overthinking and actually spend time with the guy. If we’re hanging out, things will happennaturally, right? Then it won’t feel weird because we would already be hanging out together anyways.
I must have taken too long to respond because by the time I managed to pull myself out of my inner freak-out, Austin has texted again.
Austin: Anyways. I’ll leave you be. It’s late and I’m sure you’re tired. I just wanted to check in. I understand you’re working. As for coffee tomorrow, I just remembered I have an early practice to get ready for the game, so I’m going to have to miss it. I’m gonna head to bed now, early start tomorrow. Have a good night, Levi. Sweet dreams. Xox
My stomach drops as stupid tears come to my eyes.Why do I feel like I want to cry?It’s because I hate disappointing people. And that's all I seem to be doing with Austin. Does he really have practice tomorrow, or is he upset and doesn’t want to go to coffee?
Me: I’m sorry. I hope you have a good game tomorrow. Kick ass. Night xox
