Page 108 of Things We Fake
Eventually, I parked near the Hudson. It was late, and the riverside was quiet. The water moved lazily, moonlight dancing across its surface. A couple strolled down the path, arms linked, murmuring in low voices. I watched them pass, a knot tightening in my chest.
I leaned against the hood of the car, the night air cool against my face. My thoughts circled, not knowing where and how to land.
My phone buzzed and I glanced at it. It was a text from Susanne.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
I gazed at it for a while, unsure of what to reply.Don’t worry? No problem?
Those would have been lies. There was a problem, but it wasn’t hers to fix. Probably neither of us had it in their power to fix.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket and my fingers found the ring. I stared down at it for a long time. Why had I bought this? Why had I told Sue I’d keep it for my future wife? It was always for her.
Name it to tame itwas my mother’s favorite mantra when it came to dealing with emotions.
I decided to give this a try. What was I feeling?
Angry? Not really.
Hurt? Definitely.
Confused? Hell, yeah.
Above all, I felt… exposed. The walls I’d so carefully built around me since Britt and I broke up had been knocked down by a five-foot-three woman who hadn’t even tried to break them. Sue had just been herself—that’s all it took. And the worst part was that I didn’t want to rebuild them.
I already missed her. I missed her laugh, her sense of humor, the scent of her freshly-washed hair, the feel of her creamy skin under my mouth… God, I wanted her in my life. All of her—the stubborn, funny, insecure, radiant mess who could make me laugh with a single look, and drive me into ecstasy.
What had I even expected tonight? That we’d pull it off? That Sue’s parents would buy the act, toast our imaginary future, and then we’d go back to our fake lives like nothing had happened?
No.
At some point I’d started hoping it wasn’t fake at all. That was the real problem. Somewhere along theway, it had stopped being a game. I had stopped pretending.
I stayed out there a long time. Long enough for the wind to turn sharp, for the streets to empty, for the ache in my chest to settle into something that felt like clarity.
Then, I got back in the car and finally drove to Sebastian’s. The moment I stepped out of the vehicle, I felt the weight of everything crash onto me.
I climbed the stairs slowly, feeling drained of energy.
Sue’s apartment was silent. No noise coming from inside, no sliver of light under her door.
I hesitated in front of it, waiting—hoping—for a sign. The silence and darkness persisted. There were no signs of life, no shuffling footsteps, no angry pacing.
I wanted to knock, to make sure she’d made it home safely. But I sensed she needed space. So did I. And for once in my damn life, I wasn’t going to fix something by charging in and taking over.
I walked past her apartment and into Sebastian’s place, closing the door softly behind me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Sue
I’d had the presence of mind to grab my purse before I stormed out of the restaurant, so I was able to call an Uber. As it drove off, I stole a glance back to the entrance. In a tiny corner of my mind I hoped Cam would follow me. Obviously, he hadn’t. I’d left him with a mess on his hands. I would be lucky if he ever talked to me again.
I shouldn’t have done that to him. He, of all people, didn’t deserve it. Neither did my father, or Helen, or Becky. I couldn’t forget the hurt look on Cam’s face when I’d snapped and told everyone the truth. He was probably embarrassed to within an inch of his life, and with good reason.
But I couldn’t have stopped myself. I had been a ticking bomb for years, and tonight was the climax. Had it been a bad time to stand up for myself and grow a spine? Oh yeah. Did I regret it? No. I couldn’t. It was now or never. Standing up to my mother was the most liberating feeling I’d ever had. I just wished I’d done it before things had gone so far, before hurting people I lovedand respected.
I reached for my phone to type a message to Cam. I started and stopped several times, typing apologies and explanations, even love declarations where I confessed I loved him for real. In the end I deleted them all and settled on three words:PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
