Page 110 of Things We Fake
My throat tightened. I had longed for so long to hear her say these things, to acknowledge them. Now that it was happening I didn’t know how to react, or how to feel.
“I didn’t mean it the way it came out,” she continued. “But that doesn’t matter, does it? I hurt you. I made you feel small, like you weren’t worthy unless you had a husband or a perfect life wrapped up in a bow.”
I swallowed hard, forcing my tone not to tremble. “What changed?”
She exhaled slowly, turning her head to look at me. Her blue eyes shone with pride and tears.
“You did. You left that restaurant with your head held high, and I realized that for the first time in your life, you weren’t looking for my approval.” She shook her head in wonder. “That moment terrified me. It made me so proud. And it made me hate myself because I realized I failed you in a way I never wanted to.”
I moistened my lips. I thought I would enjoy this self-flagellation, but I wasn’t feeling too triumphant.
“Mom… You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“No, I’m not. I was too hard on you, honey. I thought I was protecting you, I justified it to myself in a million ways, but the truth is… I was selfish.”
I couldn’t deny that.
My mom inhaled deeply.
“You’re my only daughter, Susanne. I never wanted you to leave my side. I never wanted you to leave Warwick. That’s why I pushed you so hard to marry Neil. Even after you left, I kept hoping you would come back and that things would be the same. I disregarded what you wanted, what you needed.” She moistened her lips. “They say when you love someone you should let them go. I love you with all my heart, sweetheart, but I held on too tightly, and I realize that now.”
Well, it looked like this was the moment of all truths. Hearing her say all that filled me with a cocktail of emotions. There was the fury I’d felt for years, but there was also compassion, because I’d never known how my mother felt about me. And love—so much love.
It was time I contributed to this revelation with another piece of the puzzle.
“Neil cheated on me, Mom. I didn’t want to tell you because it was humiliating. You were the perfect wife, the perfect woman, and because my man cheated on me, I felt it was my fault, that I’d failed somehow.”
Tears shone in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. “Oh, honey… How could you think that for a second? My God, this is all my fault. I failed as a parent. I should have given you confidence, not crushed the little you had all these years. I can never make up for the things I took from you.”
I fought back tears, watching her shatter in front of me. I had never seen my mother so vulnerable, so broken, and in so much pain as she buried her face in her hands and wept. It made me feel awful that I was causing her that pain, even though some of it had been warranted.
I squeezed her shoulder hard. “Mom, please don’t feel like that. You were a good mother, and the fact that you were so strict helped me become a stubborn, ambitious woman. I owe you that, and a lot more. I know you never meant to hurt me. I should have grown that backbone a long time ago. As tempting as it is, I can’t blame you for everything that’s wrong with me,” I joked.
She gave me a watery smile. “You have the right to do it. I’m sorry I never told you how proud I am of the woman you’ve become.”
A rosy warmth spread up into my cheeks. “Thanks.”
Her eyes were steady on mine. “I mean it. You are the best of me and of your father, and a lot more that is solely you. You’re beautiful inside and out. Strong, fiercely independent, and smart as a whip.”
I couldn’t hide the smile, nor contain the overflowing tears. I had been waiting all of my life to hear those things.
Mom didn’t stop there. “You’re loyal, and kind, and forgiving. You have a heart of gold.”
I scoffed, swallowing tears. “Neil would disagree.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t give a crap about that two-timing, dickless, spineless excuse of a man.Verme traditore!”
I was shocked. “Mom, you never curse.”
“Well, that scumbag deserves it. The way he sucked up to me all these years makes me nauseous. Cameron told us about Neil cheating on you.”
“He did?”
“Yes. When we all started to put two and two together, I don’t know who was more furious. I wanted to go hunt Neil down and hang him by the testicles in the men’s room; your father and Paul kept talking about their shotguns; I think Cam was the scariest though. He was calm on the surface, but I can tell a dangerous man when I see one. That man seriously wants to hurt Neil.”
I smiled faintly. “Cam hates cheaters. He was the victim of one, too. Remember Brittany Howard?”
She scrunched up her forehead, thinking for a few moments. “That little floozy who made out with every boy in Warwick, including your brother?”
