Page 17 of Blinded By Forever
“I know. I’m trying to talk to him about this but he isn’t answering my calls.” Rowan sighs over the phone. “Have you talked to him?”
“I did but he just shuts down and avoids it. We had a huge fight last night because he came home late with blood on his hands and shirt. I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.”
“He always had a habit of shutting people out when shit gets heavy, especially you, since he never wants to worry you or make you scared because of your guys’ past. He’s not shutting you out because he doesn’t love you, that would never be the case. But, he thinks he’s protecting you by not pulling you in.”
“I was in the moment I met him. He shouldn’t push me away or shut me out, that’s just what made things worse between us. I just want the truth and for things to go back to normal. I want Hayden to be home and spend time with me and the kids.”
“You’re right. I told him this when he started helping Killian again. I told him to remember that he has a family to come home to every single night and to not take it for granted. That’s why I’m pulling away because I have Jane and the kids I need to worry about. I need to focus on protecting my family.” Rowan’svoice softens. “He thinks he’s protecting you by keeping you out of it and pushing his problems away from you but he needs a reason to stop.”
“I’m not going to give up.”
“That’s good. If you were, then you wouldn’t be talking to me about it while spending the day with your daughter.” I smile a little as I push the cart around the store. “He’s not cheating on you,” Rowan says, almost like he needs me to hear it. “I know that’s not where your head went but if it did, don’t let it stay there.”
“I know, I never thought he was but it feels like he is whenever he is gone and not paying attention to me and the kids. I’m starting to feel invisible to him.”
Rowan pauses for a while before saying. “He loves you. He’s just scared of losing you and sometimes fear makes him do stupid shit.”
I nod even though he can’t see me.
“Mommy, look!” River points to something and I smile at her while nodding my head.
“Thanks for calling, Rowan.”
“Always. You love and care about my brother. You’re considered my family too. Call me if you need anything. I’m going to talk to Hayden.”
We get off the phone as River starts to whine about me not giving her attention.
She’s just like me.
Maybe Hayden is scared but so am I.
I’m scared of losing the man I’ve loved since college and that he’s slowly starting to fade into the background and I won’t be able to get him back.
Nine
Hayden
When it wastime for Killian to put Luna to bed, I saw myself out.
This whole day Killian has just been going over what I’ll be doing in California and my arrangements for when I get there. He said I shouldn’t be there long, two to three days at the most if everything goes well.
I don’t want to and I tried to tell him I need to get out of this, but he just hung shit over my head. Like I can’t live without the rush or the adrenaline. I needed some sort of stimuli in order not to go crazy.
By the time I pull into my estate, it’s hitting 9. The lights inside are all mostly turned off except for the one in my and Jaclyn’s bedroom.
Jaclyn is still awake, of course.
Probably writing since that’s what she does whenever she has a flicker of alone time which hasn’t been much because of how much I’ve been gone.
The kids are probably all in bed by now since their bedtime is 8 p.m..
I didn’t mean to stay this long, again. I never do but sometimes Killian’s meetings run over or an issue comes up that Killian sends me to fix.
The wounds on my knuckles reopened, they started bleeding a little bit from how I’m clenching and unclenching my fists constantly throughout the day.
I lock my car when I get out of it and walk through the front door of our house. The house is quiet, the kind of thick, eerie quiet that says more than yelling ever could.
I walk upstairs to my and Jaclyn’s room, passing by the kids’ rooms and just going straight to her.
