Page 20 of Blinded By Forever
I know I’m giving him a hard time and I should be spending these few days with him and enjoying him being here while I have him because who knows when or even if he’ll be back but I don't want to think those thoughts.
Hayden’s side of the bed is cold when I wake up, like it has been for a couple weeks with him getting up super early in the morning instead of me. Usually we get up together or I get up before him but lately he’s been waking up early to take the kids to school and leaving to see Killian right after.
It almost feels like he checked out physically and emotionally.
I got through my morning routine with that pit in my stomach again, the one I thought was in the past. The one that used to live in me like a second heartbeat when things were at their worst.
Now it was back.
The constant overthinking and self doubt.
I walk downstairs and see the kids are already at the table. River has oatmeal smeared across her face, babbling nonsense as usual to her brothers while Easton tries to steal her spoon and Junior rolls his eyes at the both of them.
Hayden is in the kitchen with his back turned, packing his last protein bar into his duffle bag on the island. I saw three bags near the front door, black, heavy, and filled with God knows what.
Seeing the bags near the door feels like a goodbye I don’t want to accept.
He glances over when I walk in. “Morning, princess.”
I don’t respond. I can’t. If I open my mouth, the anger might spill out before the kids finish their breakfast and I don’t want them seeing us argue, even though Junior and Easton notice it and have asked me about it.
River just notices that there is a shift between Hayden and I but she can’t really bring it up since her vocabulary is kind of short.
Junior catches on fast. “Are you leaving today?”
Hayden nods his head, coming over to ruffle his hair. “Yea, bud. Just for a little while.”
“How long is a little while?” Easton asks, narrowing his eyes. He always needs specifics, structure. He doesn’t do well with vague answers.
Hayden hesitates. “A few days. Maybe a week at the most.”
Bullshit.
God knows how long he’ll be gone or if he is even going to come back. And who knows if he’s even telling the truth since all he’s been doing is lying.
River drops her spoon and blinks up at him. “Daddy’s leaving?” she asks, her little voice cracking.
My throat tightens and I force myself not to cry.
“Yea, baby,” he says gently, picking her up and holding her against his chest. “But I’ll be back before you know it. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”
Her little arms wrap around his neck. “I will.”
God. My chest cracks in two.
He kisses the top of her head and hugs her tighter.
The rest of breakfast passes in tense silence. The boys eat slower than usual and River keeps glancing at the bags. I keep glancing at him, even though I don’t want to. He isn’t wearing his usual clothes like when he leaves for work. Just black joggers and a hoodie. Something easy to move around in.
After Hayden and I get breakfast cleaned, he says his goodbyes to them before sending them off to the living room to watch cartoons.
I stand by the front door while he stands by his bags. The silence stretches between us so thick I can barely breathe.
He looks up at me. “Princ-”
“Don’t,” I say, stepping back and blinking away the tears that are threatening to fall.
“I don’t want it to be like this.”
