Page 95 of Puck You
A quiet sob broke free from my lips.I covered my mouth to muffle the noise.
“I was so scared,” I admitted, a perfect imitation of Gabby’s confession to me over the phone.“And I’m scared for Gabby.I don’t want Mom anywhere near her.”
“I felt the same way in the beginning.I was terrified when she showed up on our doorstep asking to see Gabs.But I couldn’t be the one to stand in the way of a daughter and her mother.And despite her past mistakes, everyone deserves a second chance.Don’t you think?”
Every particle in my being screamedhell no.I didn’t want to give Mom the chance to fuck up her other child.“Is she different?”
His head tilted to the side in consideration.“In some ways, yes.In others, no.”
“How can you stand to be around her?Isn’t it painful?I can’t even think about her without feeling like my lungs are going to collapse.”
“It is painful.It always will be.But it’s worth it to see the excitement on Gabby’s face when I mention her mother’s comingto visit.My pain will always be worth her happiness, and yours as well.”
>> <<
Gabby didn’t say a word to me when we left the hospital in the early hours of the morning.I didn’t want to push her after the stressful day we’d both endured.Silence filled our walk to the parking lot, and the car ride home, and the space in our front foyer where we stood and watched each other in a strange tension until Gabby disappeared into the privacy of her bedroom.That night, no five-star podcast or curated playlist was enough to stop me from reaching out for a warmth that wouldn’t be there or dreaming about Sebastian.You were a mistake.I couldn’t un-hear his words.Sebastian was just another person who regretted me, and it was my own damn fault.I’d been afraid to open up.Instead of listening to his pleas for me to be honest about how I was feeling, I’d used him to distract myself from the pain.And when it was finally time for me to return the favor, I’d chosen numbing myself on shitty tequila over showing up for him.
A feeling of bone-deep exhaustion followed me into the next day.When I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror before heading downstairs, I was greeted with the sight of bloodshot eyes and swollen skin, half-moon smudges of purple decorating the flesh below my waterline.Thankfully, my dad was a coffee lover, and just the smell of roasting grounds was enough to ease some of the tiredness from my body.After a fifteen-minute check-in with my dad, I set to work preparing breakfast, determined to have something ready by the time Gabby woke up.I’d just poured the final pancake onto our countertop griddlewhen she walked into the kitchen rubbing sleep-bleary eyes.
“I spoke to Dad this morning,” I said as she slipped onto a stool along the kitchen island.“He asked if we could bring him some lunch just after noon.”
Gabby remained silent, though she reached for one of the plates I’d set out and used a fork to snag a pancake off the top of the leaning stack.I hadn’t heard her voice since she’d called me in a panic the night before, and I was beginning to feel desperate for her to speak.
“Do you want any coffee?”
Dad didn’t let her drink coffee on a regular basis, but I figured she could use the caffeine after the last twenty-four hours.Gabby glanced up from her barely eaten pancake, brow furrowed in a look of disbelief.
“Dad doesn’t let me,” she said, and I had to hold in my laughter at the unexpected response.
“He’d make an exception for today.”
She scoffed.“Like you’d know.You haven’t spoken with him in weeks.”
I schooled my expression to keep the pain of her words from showing on my face.With a determination to win her over, I grabbed a mug from the shelf above the stove and poured a cup of coffee.I topped it off with a good amount of hazelnut creamer before setting it on the counter in front of her.
“Do you want me to call him and ask?”
Gabby just shook her head and pulled the mug closer, letting the steam waft up and warm her face.After removing the last pancake, I turned off the griddle and leaned against the counter directly across from her.Despite her earlier feistiness, she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I know you think I’m a coward,” I said, ripping off the bloodied bandage, “and I might be, but there’s a lot you don’t know about our mother.If you really want to understand why I’m so hesitant to forgive her, I’ll tell you.”
Gabby looked like she was holding her breath as she nodded for me to continue.
“You were too young to see how devastating it was when she left.Dad blamed himself every day for years, even after doing everything right to help her.And I had to step up and help take care of you.”I winced at the confession, hoping that Gabby realized I’d never resented her for it.I’d do it all over again, and I told her that, but it shouldn’t have been my job as her sister.I was still a kid, and she’d needed a mother.We both had.
I talked about how cruel the other kids had been once their parents found out, how no one had wanted to be friends with me after Mom’s stint in the hospital.Gabby hung on to every word I spoke, and I could see in her eyes that this was what she’d needed all along—the truth.
“I felt so alone back then, even before she disappeared, and eventually all the sadness I felt at losing her turned to anger.Up until recently, I couldn’t fathom why you even wanted to know her.And then I realized something.You’ll never understand what it felt like waking up in the morning to learn that she was gone.You were a baby, barely three years old.The truth is, I’m terrified that she’s going to break your heart like she did mine.But you’re old enough to make your own decisions, and I can understand wanting to know our mother, even if part of me thinks it’s a mistake.”
For the first time in over a year, Gabby was looking at me like she used to.Like I was someone she wanted to be, someoneshe could trust with everything.I focused all my efforts on blinking away the pressure behind my eyes.
“I’m sorry for calling you a coward,” she said, and then, after a moment of hesitation, she added, “What if I want you to know her too?At least, the person she is now.”
I was already ready with my answer.The idea had come to me while I was lying in bed this morning, unable to sleep.“If you agree to start seeing a therapist, I’d be willing to give her a chance,” I said, and disbelief flashed behind the blue of her eyes.Our mother’s eyes.
“You’ll meet with Mom?”she asked excitedly.
“What if I start by reading one of her letters?Baby steps, okay?”
