Page 114 of Monarch
But it tracks because the last month has been nothing but surprisesandbeing turned on.
We left QISS as a three that night when Lex submitted and confessed all, and we went straight back to our apartment, where we stayed for four whole days. I worked from home. Mari called in sick. And Lex borrowed our toothbrushes and our clothes rather thanleave us to go and collect xir belongings. When xe did finally go to xir studio and pack a bag, Mari and I went with xem.
We spent those four days mostly in bed. Fucking, talking, sleeping. And repeat. We cried, we came, we confessed our deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings. I was in heaven. I never wanted to leave the cocoon of my bedroom, but eventually, we’d run out of food, Mari didn’t want to risk losing clients they cared about, and Nadia from QISS was pestering Lex about retrieving the paintings xe had on display that night. But again, when xe went to collect them, Mari and I went too.
After that first dream-like week, we settled into a routine not dissimilar to the one we were in after I left the hospital. Mari went out to work. I alternated days in the office and days at home. And Lex stayed mostly in the apartment cooking, cleaning, and occasionally picking up a paintbrush or a pencil. The difference was our nights. Back then, I only went to bed with one of them, but now, both Lex and Mari were in my bed. Now, they kissed and held and played with each other just as much as they did with me. When they do, I am speechless, mesmerised. I doubt I’ll ever get used to it.
This is not a version of polyamory I am used to. A throuple. And while my heart finds it too easy,necessary, even, to love them both, my brain is still adjusting to the logistics of having two partners.
Mari was the first to suggest a shared digital calendar, and while I thought it overkill at the time, I now check it multiple times a day. And then there was one day when I came home from after-work drinks with my team, and I found Lex and Mari in bed together. They weren’t fucking, but I could tell, couldsmell,that they’d not long finished. For some naïve reason, I’d never imagined this scenario, and my lack of foresight meant I had no idea how I would feel. So it was a terrible shock when I burst into tears right there in the bedroom doorway.
And so came the rules. Or rather, guidelines.
Lex had insisted we not call them rules. I sensed if we did that, it would only make that rebellious part of xem want to break them, so I agreed, and Mari rolled their eyes but went along with it too.
Our guidelines took hours to define, and that late-night discussion was when I started to wonder if we’d all bitten off more than we could chew.
Mari wanted us to be able to fuck as pairs whenever we wanted. I wanted us to get the third person’s consent first. And Lex… Lex posed the question, ‘What about other people?’
Immediately, I felt my breath catch. I felt affronted that xe would even suggest such a thing so early on in our reunion. Part of me couldn’t believe xir nerve at even hinting that xe wanted to play away after everything we’d all been through finding each other again. But then I let my lungs regulate my breathing and – as I have learned to do since my epilepsy diagnosis – I let the shock and discomfort pass through me, refusing to hold onto it.
And once I’d calmed down, I realised I wasn’t shocked that xe still wanted to sleep with other people. It was one of the first things xe had told me after we met. Xe said that side of xem would always be there, and it didn’t dilute xir feelings for me, or now, for us. But I had wondered after all xir therapy and thinking and feeling and focus on personal growth, maybe this would change.
Had I hoped it would change? Yes, that’s probably a fair assessment. But then I thought about what that freedom had given me when Lex and I were together. All the nights I shared with others. The way I got to enjoy other people and still go home to Lex afterwards. The way sometimes, when the mood was right, we told each other about what other lovers had done, what we had enjoyed, and sometimes, with gentle laughter, what we didn’t. It brought us closer together. It gave me a whole new dynamic to romantic love that I didn’t think was possible. And when Lex had left and I’d met Mari, I’d wanted to hold onto that.
But now we were a three. And we’d shared so much. We’d grown so connected and so close. Was there still room for that freedom in our relationship?
It was when Mari responded to Lex’s question with a, ‘yes, I’d like to know how we all feel about that too,’ that I realised where this conversation was going to go. And after a deep breath, I realised I was okay with it too.
So now we tell each other. We tell each other when two of us are going to fuck, and we will tell one another when we feel the need to play away from home. We will keep it mostly sexual, and if romantic feelings get involved, we will talk some more. We can play at QISS all together, or separately, or in a duo if one of us can’t or doesn’t want to join in. And we report back on all the above with respectful and delicious details, knowing full well it will result in us all tumbling into bed together.
Our home is our sanctuary; we don’t bring other partners there without express permission and all agreeing in advance. We don’t – and this had been stated by Lex – disappear without informing the other two where we are and when we expect to return. We keep in touch. We check in regularly. We update the calendar. We revisit these guidelines whenever needed.
We are yet to put many of these into practise – not one of us has actually played with anyone else, and we haven’t been back to QISS yet – but I know the time will come.
I feel a mild sense of apprehension about the future and Lex and Mari playing with others. I still find myself waking up half-expecting Lex’s body to not be sandwiched between mine and Mari’s like it is most nights. But I know that is to be expected, and indeed Lex tells me so. Xe has asked me to come with xem to one of xir therapy sessions when it’s the right time. Xe hopes it will help me, and xe hopes for the same for Mari, who will also attend.
Regardless of how the future plays out, I know my life is forever changed by these two humans. Which is why I wanted to have the same Monarch butterfly tattooed on my chest that Lex has. And it’s why Mari is doing it, too.
I know, I know, a butterfly tattoo for a trans person isn’t exactly original, but so what? Like most of my efforts during my transition, I’m not doing it to stand out; I’m doing it to blend in. To be seen but not studied. To be witnessed and not discussed or debated like I’m a question. To be. To just fucking be.
My thoughts become less clear and succinct when I feel Lex lift my arm to xir lips and xe starts to kiss my wrist and the palm of my hand.
“Stop, Lex,” I giggle. “That tickles.”
“Lex.” Mari’s tone is warning, but they’re smiling as they look up and watch.
“What?” Lex asks with an innocence xe shouldn’t be capable of.
“You shouldn’t be bending over like that either,” Mari tells xem. Topless, Lex straightens up and looks down at xir exposed stomach. Mari finished xir new tattoos before starting mine. An R and an M formed out of tiny red dots, just like the tracks of a pinwheel. “I’m fine. This is not my first rodeo.”
Mari gives xem a cautioning look as they lift the needle from my skin. I appreciate the reprieve. “Are you saying you know more about tattoos than I do?”
“I’m saying you don’t need to worry about me,” Lex says, xir tone less challenging.
Mari returns the needle to my skin. “It’s my job,” they say, and I don’t know if they’re referring to being an artist or being in love with Lex and me.
“Hurry up and finish,” Lex groans and lets my hand fall limp, still cradling it with xirs. “I want my turn.”
