Page 27 of Monarch
I’m right in front of the door. I could be gone in two seconds. I’d never have to see either of them again. And yet, I turn back to her.
“Can I see you again?” she asks me, her grey-green eyes wide and pleading as she adds, “I want to see you again.”
I wonder if I squint, would Lex just blur out of my vision? I try it. It doesn’t work. Besides, I can smell xem – that same heady scent from ten years ago, sage and lily and rain on a summer’s day. And even if I closed my eyes completely, my mind would probably and cruelly conjure up xir image behind my eyelids. Those cropped black chinos, xir bright red moccasins, xir thick baby-blue woollen jumper that has loose threads all over it but not in a ‘oops, I snagged one’ kind of way, more in a ‘some knitwear designer intended for this piece to look just like this and charged hundreds of pounds for it too’. Fuck, Amsterdam is treating xem well.
“Please.” Roos steps forward, and while it brings her closer to me, it also places her directly in front of Lex, closing the triangle that we have accidentally become.
“I want to see you again,” I tell Roos and only Roos. “I really, really do. But this…” I wave my hand around, although I may just as well point directly at Lex. “This is the last thing I need right now. And I really should go to the convention. It’s why I’m here, after all, and if I go back on Tuesday and haven’t met half the people my mum asked me to–”
“Tuesday?” Roos looks almost ready to cry. “You said last night you’d try and stay another week.”
I bite my lip, just to feel something sharp. Or rather, something else sharp. “That was last night,” I say.
“Can I at least have your number?” Roos asks. “Then we can talk more. Later.”
I know exactly what she means. Later. When Lex isn’t there, which suggests xe is going to stay for a while. Because Lex always gets xir own way.
“Fine,” I agree.
“Great.” Roos’ smile is quick and weak. She rushes off to find her phone, calling out, “Stay right there!”
I do as I’m told, although it costs me. It costs me to stand less than two feet away from Lex and all xir silver piercings covering both ears. Xir thick silver septum hoop, the piercing my mum did for xir, as a fucking gift. From this side angle, I can see just how short xir hair is – shaved close enough to the scalp to reveal a couple of tattoos on the back of xir head. One looks like a traditional American piece, a phoenix rising from red, orange, and yellow flames, and I hate that I want to have a closer look at it. So instead, I look away.
It's no surprise that xe doesn’t look at me either, nor do we share any words.
And then Roos is back, unlocking her phone and thrusting it into my hand.
I type in my number and call it. As I hand it back to Roos, Lex looks down at the screen.
“You’ve still got the same number,” xe says, and I’m so startled by the implication xe remembers my number from ten whole years ago that I don’t say anything. I just blink at xem.
“I’ll call you,” Roos says. “Later. This evening. Okay?”
I nod at Roos. If only Lex could just disappear.
“Later, then.” I move to step past Lex so I can kiss Roos. It feels as natural as taking my next breath or lifting my head to the sunshine, but I see Roos flinch before I get close enough. Her eyes dart to Lex and then back to me. I pull back.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I say to nobody and all of us. I’m shaking my head as I turn away and finally, finally walk out the door, too petty to stop myself from slamming it shut behind me.
Chapter Eleven
Roos
The sound of the door slamming reverberates in my ears, and I feel the loss of Mari’s presence immediately. A tsunami of emotions washes over me – fear I’ve pushed Mari away, regret for not telling Lex to fuck off as soon as I saw xem, confusion about Mari and Lex’s shared history and that it’s not a pleasant one, relief that Lex is back even though I shouldn’t feel that, curiosity about what Lex wants to say. I’m overwhelmed by an immediate need to sit down, to catch my breath, but first I need to not be standing here in my underwear.
“Go and sit down,” I say grumpily to Lex. “I need to get dressed.”
I don’t wait to see if xe replies. I go to my bedroom and close the door behind me.
For a moment, I don’t move. I look around and realise I’m searching for something from Mari. An item of clothing they forgot, or maybe a note they left. The regret rises to the surface above all other emotions. I shouldn’t have let them go. I should have told Lex to leave.
And yet, I don’t want xem to leave. Not yet. I want to hear what xe has to say. I want to know why xe came back.
Because stupidly, naively, I want to believe it’s for me.
I tell myself that Mari was never going to stay for longer than a few days or a week. I tell myself that Lex and I have more history. I hadn’t even talked to Mari about polyamory, about that side of me. Maybe that would have been a deal-breaker for them.
Lex knows me. I don’t need to explain myself to Lex. Despite everything, I believe that Lex loved me once. Maybe xe still loves me. And maybe Lex is here to stay this time.
