Page 28 of Monarch
And yet, I’m still crushed when I don’t see a note from Mari or any other sign that they were here other than the creases in my sheets where they slept next to me.
I sigh as I get dressed, trying to rid myself of the melancholy I feel about such a perfect night ending so disastrously, and it helps. Some.
When I walk into my living room to face Lex, I hold my shoulders back, have my wig from yesterday back on, curling around my shoulders and down my back, and I’m wearing a pair of tight blue jeans that I know drives xem slightly out of xir mind.
“I suppose I should offer you a cup of tea,” I say at the doorway.
Lex points at the coffee table and two steaming mugs sitting there. “Already done.”
“You always were terrible at following simple instructions,” I grumble as I sit on the sofa as far away from xem as I can without falling off. Picking up one of the mugs, I don’t need to take a sip to know it’s been made exactly how I like – Earl Grey with honey and a dash of cold water. “So, what do you want, Lex?”
“I want you.”
I make an ugly noise, half-scoff, half-splutter. “You had me. Six months ago. And then you walked away. Again.”
“The first time doesn’t count. We never defined what we were to each other. You knew I was seeing other people, just like you were, and I had to work. You were still asleep when I needed to go. It would have been rude to have woken you just to say goodbye. And I left you a note.”
“Oh, yes, ‘See you around, pretty girl’ written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. Not quite the same as a heartfelt goodbye or, you know, an actual apology!”
“It all worked out in the end. We found each other again.”
“Only for you to leave me high and dry after I fell in love with you!” I shout at xem, putting my mug down because my hands have started to shake.
“I fell in love with you, too,” xe says in a quiet voice, but my ears hear loud and clear. I store the words away. Xe has never said that to me before.
“Then why leave?”
“I…I’m here now. I’m here now, and I want to say sorry, and I want to go back to how we were before.”
It’s funny how a few months ago, those were exactly the words I thought I wanted to hear from Lex. I spent so many nights awake fantasising about xem returning and declaring such things to me. But now, it feels half-assed. It doesn’t even come close to reassuring me. I can’t go back to how it was before. Before was when xe left me.
“What’s the deal with you and Mari?” I ask instead of saying all that.
Lex’s whole body changes, tensing and turning away from me slightly. Xe stares down at my threadbare carpet that the landlord promised to replace two years ago and still hasn’t.
“There is no deal. We went to school together. We were friends, then together, and then we weren’t.” I recognise this way of speaking. It’s what I’ve come to call Lex’s BS Voice.
“They’re pretty pissed with you,” I say, knowing I can’t just challenge Lex’s bullshit outright. That never works. And I feel like I really need to know what their exact history is. Whether that’s because I want to pursue something with Lex, Mari, or both of them, my muddled brain can’t decide.
“We were teenagers.” Lex’s shoulders relax a little as xe turns to me. “First love and all that shit. But when I wanted to move here, I knew it wouldn’t last.”
Xe isn’t telling me much, and yet I can read between the lines. Xe probably left Mari like xe left me. It doesn’t make me feel accomplished or validated, assuming this. It makes me feel exhausted.
“Why do you do it?” I ask, my tone full of defeat.
“Do what?”
“Leave people?”
Xir mouth closes and xir jaw moves as if to lock it shut. “Mari was different,” xe eventually says.
“How?” I prompt and reach for my tea. I try to ignore how perfect it tastes when I have my first sip.
“I was nineteen. I knew fuck all about the world and people and life back then,” Lex says in a rush. “We were too serious too soon, too young. I needed…”
I give xem time to finish, but when xe doesn’t speak, I offer to fill in the blank. “Space? Freedom? To be somewhere else?”
“Yes,” Lex says quietly, xir eyes back on the carpet.
