Page 41 of Monarch
“It’s not about you,” they whisper as their eyes search my face.
“It never is.” And then I grip the back of their head with one hand and slam my mouth against theirs.
Chapter Seventeen
Mari
Iremember, when I was a kid, I would open my eyes in the morning and be immediately, instantly wide awake. There was no adjusting to the light, or lack of it. There was no closing my eyes again to drift back to sleep. There was no rolling over, hitting a snooze button, or burying myself further under the covers. As soon as I woke, I was awake. Really awake, with energy bursting out of me, the sudden urge to enjoy the day propelling me out of bed and rushing down the stairs. I was all smiles, all busy limbs, all sudden and unstoppable need for the day to start.
I don’t wake up like that anymore. I doubt I ever will again.
And yet it’s this exact feeling washing over my body as Lex presses xir lips onto mine. And it is a press. A push, and somehow at the same time, a pull too. I don’t know how many seconds it takes for my brain to catch up with my body, to fully understand what is happening, but my mouth moves to accommodate xem almost immediately. It’s awake. It’s alive. It wants. And it takes. It pushes back. It kisses Lex back. It forgets that I hate this person. That this person caused me so much pain. That they continue to be a jagged-edged thorn in my side.
My mouth doesn’t seem to care. All my lips can focus on is the cool hardness of Lex’s piercings in xir bottom lip and the fact that xe tastes the same as xe did ten years ago. Fruity and tangy with the slightest hint of bitterness. Like a bowl of juicy cherries or a cool glass of tangy cranberry juice. And I hate it. I hate it because I love it. I love it, and as soon as xir upper lip nudges my mouth open, I use mytongue to find as much of it as I can, exploring xir mouth, licking xir teeth, battling for space with xir tongue.
And a battle it is. Xe is kissing me like xe hates me, and I know I’m doing the same. Using my teeth to nip at xir lips. Rolling my tongue over xir piercings – inside and out. Forcing xir mouth open wider and diving deeper into that hot, wet space than I imagine is comfortable. Not that Lex doesn’t give as good as xe gets. I start wondering if lips can bruise when xe grips the back of my head and applies force there, locking me in place. I can barely move, and yet, there is a whole universe of activity forming in the space our joined mouths make. And I hate it.
I hate it because I love it. And I can’t stop it.
That is, until I moan.
I moan with the pleasure of it and the pain. It’s too loud and too revealing and too much. It’s also what I need to jolt me out of Lex’s spell, to push back and escape xir hold.
“Enough!” I say and immediately regret it. Just like the moan, it shows too many of my cards.
Lex has xir fingertips at xir lips as xe smirks at me. “Shame. We were just getting started.”
“We were…we were not getting started. We’re finished. So very finished. In the past. And I wish I could keep you there.” My voice is raised and as tight as a guitar string just before it snaps and breaks.
“That makes two of us.” Lex drops xir hand, and xir eyes have a new glazed, distracted look in them. I frown as I try to study xir expression more, but xe is too quick, turning around and walking away from me.
“It didn’t mean anything.”
Xe snorts again as xe settles in front of the canvas xe was sat at earlier. “Oh, I know.”
“God, you have no idea how infuriating you are, do you?” I shout at xem. I feel like a dam has broken inside me, and I no longercare about holding back how I really feel. Maybe this is what I need: to tell xem exactly how much xe hurt me, how cruel xe is to other people, how xe won’t get away with treating people the way xe does. “You think you can do whatever you want with people. Drop them when you want. Pick them back up when it suits you. Kiss whoever you want, when you want.”
Xe lifts xir head the smallest amount, offering me xir side profile, that perfectly straight nose, and that pointed chin. “You could have used your safe word at any point.”
“Since when do you give a fuck about safe words?!”
Xe turns away again and starts painting. “I’m not the same person I was back…there.”
“No. You’re worse. Because you haven’t learned. You should know better at this age.”
“Maybe,” xe says, and it’s so quiet I wonder if I imagined it.
My breathing is still shallow and rapid, unchanged since our kiss, and I have too much to say and yet don’t know where to start. I already feel like I’ve given xem too much. And yet I’ve still not been able to achieve what I came here for.
“Stay away from Roos,” I say through gritted teeth.
Lex turns towards me. “Or what?”
“Or I’ll make your life hell.”
“I’m not sure how you’re going to do that from England?” Xe looks me up and down, and it’s all condescension.
“Who says I’ll be in England?” I fold my arms and hold xir stare.
